


Alexander & Jane

by LordofKavaka



Series: What's In A Name [1]
Category: Castle
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Betrayal, Chance Meetings, Deception, F/M, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, From Sex to Love, Lies, Love Confessions, Misunderstanding, Past Relationship(s), Romance, Secret Identity, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-11
Updated: 2012-03-02
Packaged: 2017-10-30 22:49:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 75,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/337049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordofKavaka/pseuds/LordofKavaka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She met him once, long ago, thinking he was someone else, and fell in love. Caskett AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Richard Castle loved the spotlight and being the center of attention. He played the role, and played it well, though it wasn't the real him. Sometimes he lost himself in the persona, letting himself forget his own hopes and dreams… and insecurities. But his argument with Gina about his writer's block for the past couple of months really ticked him off. It annoyed him how well she pushed his buttons and knew just how to stomp on him when he was down. What he ever saw in her, he would never know.

Shaking his head, he waded through the crowd, making his way over to his mother and daughter, the only ones in his life with whom he could be himself.

"Give me a hit of the bubbly," he heard his mother call out to the bartender.

"Make that two!" Castle added as he walked up to join his family.

"Hey, kiddo," his mother said, turning to face him, lowering her voice almost conspiratorially. "Sales must be slipping, they're only serving the soft stuff."

"Hey Dad," Alexis chirped with a soft smile that calmed his heart.

He leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Hey sweetie." Sometimes it seemed like Alexis was the only one that truly understood him. After some small talk with his mother, he discovered she'd been the one to let slip to Gina that he had been having trouble writing.

"I would just appreciate it if you didn't share with my ex-wife," he said, once she'd confessed her part.

"Oh, what's the big deal…," Martha arched her neck to spy over his shoulder. "Hang on sweetie, I just got a hit on my grey-dar." She paused, narrowing her eyes. "Bingo, no ring!" She turned and grabbed her clutch. "Stand back kids, momma's goin' fishing."

Castle stepped aside and let her go. He sighed and paced forward lowering his head. He looked out at the revelers, letting his mind wander. Alexis watched with him keen eyes. Castle closed his eyes and let out a long sigh, then looked up at nothing, then back down at the partygoers, his eyes not truly watching them.

"You're thinking of  _her_  again, aren't you?" Alexis asked, giving him a small sad smile.

"Huh?" Castle blinked and looked over at his daughter, giving her a scrutinizing gaze. There was no way he was going to ever admit that out loud, and she knew it.

Alexis sighed softly, and averted her eyes for a moment, recognizing some of the pain and hurt in his eyes at having not seen or heard of  _her_  in almost eight years. "The one that got away," she elaborated, gazing at him with sympathy, wishing she could just take all her father's hurt away as she watched his shoulders slump.

Castle swallowed hard and gave a nod. He always thought of  _her_. Their lone month together was seared into his memory. He would never forget that time. In those four weeks he had found happiness and love for the first time ever. True love, in his opinion. He had thought she felt the same, but after the  _incident_ , she disappeared and he never saw or heard of her again. Before  _her_ , his one that got away had been Kyra Blaine. But now, no. It was  _her_. It would always be  _her_. She was his refuge, his sanctuary. Whenever he felt lost or alone, he would think of her and remember their brief yet happy time together.

" _Jane_ ," he whispered her name softly in a wistful voice, staring off into his memories. That is all he knew. He had no surname, nothing to help him find her. And he had tried. God knows he tried! He had spent the better part of three years looking for her, before deciding it was time to stop searching for a phantom and find a mother for Alexis. And that's what had led him to Gina. Not his best decision, but it was one he could live with.

Castle shook his head, shedding himself of the memory. After all this glitz and glam, he knew it would come back to him when he went to sleep to a lonely bed. He might be flirtatious with the airheads here, gladly signing their breasts, but when it was all over, he'd be going home to an empty bed, thinking of Jane, the one that got away.

"Sorry, Dad," Alexis said, giving his hand a gentle pat. "I didn't mean to remind you of her and put you in a funk for the rest of the evening."

He looked back at his daughter and placed his other hand over hers and squeezed it reassuringly. "That's alright, pumpkin," Castle gave her a meek smile. "At least I'll always have you."

"And the fangirls," Alexis said, jerking her head towards a giggling group of coeds.  _Seriously, who invited them?_

Castle actually groaned. He couldn't help it. Sure, they were hot and had great bodies, but up there, where it counted, they were empty. They could do for the short term, but for the long time… for the whole nine yards, he wanted something more than ordinary. He wanted extraordinary. And thanks to Jane, that bar was set pretty high.

Glancing back out at the floor, Castle spotted his mother. "Oh lord, here it comes… she's making her move," he mumbled, leaning slightly over to Alexis, like he was passing along State secrets. She just chuckled softly and turned back to her homework.

Castle watched his mother for a time, and then turned away, unable to watch anymore. "You should have me committed," he whispered to Alexis, almost sounding serious, if it wasn't for the bemused look on his face.

"For what? Letting her move in? I think it's sweet," the young teen replied, glancing over at her grandmother.

"Well, it won't be when I strangle her," Castle quipped back, accepting the drinks from the bartender, placing one in front of Alexis as he raised the other to is lips.

"You know I'm only fifteen, right?"

"Well, you're an old soul," he replied, then took a swig of his drink. Yes… it was strong. Something to help dull the pain of his memories.

"Well, my  _soul_  can wait," Alexis told him, picking the glass up and moving it away from her.

Castle smirked, and turned more fully around to face Alexis. "When I was your age…," he paused, and raised his eyebrows. "No, I can't tell you that story. It's wildly inappropriate. Which, oddly, is my point. Don't you want wildly inappropriate stories that you can't tell your children?" He moved and sat down on the barstool.

Alexis smiled, laughing slightly. "I think you have enough of those for the both of us."

"Life should be an adventure," Castle said, leaning back against the counter. He sighed and looked at his daughter. "You want to know why I killed Derrick?"

Alexis paused in her studying and looked up at him.

"There were no more surprises," he explained. "I knew what was going to happen, every moment of every scene." He sighed and slumped back. "It's just like these parties, they've become so… predictable." He changed his voice to match the sycophants out there. "I'm your biggest fan! Where do you get your ideas?"

Alexis rolled her eyes, interjecting, "And the ever popular, will you sign my chest?" She added finger quotation marks to that last word.

"That one I don't mind so much," Castle said, smiling slightly as he brought the glass back up to his lips.

"Yeah, well, FYI… I do," Alexis gave him a little heated glare.

Castle gave a nod, letting her know that he understood where she was coming from. "You know, just once I want someone to come up to me and say something new," he sighed.

"Mr. Castle?"

He closed his eyes for a moment, a little peeved about the intrusion into his private little world with Alexis, but something was oddly familiar about that voice. It was like an echo of something heard before, but not entirely forgotten. He took a moment to put on his mask, the face of his persona, of the playboy author Richard Castle. Turning around, plastering a fake smile onto his face, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a felt pen. "Where would you like me to sign?" he asked, expecting some empty-headed blonde woman wanting him to sign her chest.

Instead he was met by startling green eyes that were so very captivating. He was stunned, left breathless. He knew eyes like those. Castle blinked and stared at her. She was gorgeous, yet seemed unaware of the power she held. His eyes flicked down to her lips… god, he wanted to kiss those lips! He remembered lips exactly like those, lips he had kissed so many times in the heat of passion.

And then a badge was being shoved up in front of his eyes.

"Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD," she spoke quickly, almost like she was afraid if she paused to take a breath, she would be unable to continue. "We need to ask you a few questions about a murder that took place earlier tonight." When she was finished, she sucked in a breath, her eyes scanning his face as if she was worried about his reaction.

Castle's eyes widened. He sat stark still on the barstool, completely caught off guard for the face he was now seeing. He knew those eyes. He knew those lips. Her knew that face. He _knew_  her. He… he remembered. It… it was so long ago, but he still remembered. It was like staring at a ghost from your past, and it left him utterly stunned.

Taking advantage of his shocked state, Alexis leaned in over his shoulder and grabbed the pen. "That's new," she said, and took the pen away, though she was still interested in what was going on. She had never seen that expression on her father's face.

Finally, he blinked and gazed up at this Detective Kate Beckett, his jaw slack, yet he was still able to make it move. "Ja… Jane?"

XXX

_Here she was, celebrating her 20th birthday—if you could call it celebrating—without her mother. Kate Beckett was a mess, really. She barely ate anymore, was failing her classes, and generally still moping about like it was the end of the world. In short, nothing was going well for her. Her Dad had turned to the bottle for comfort, so he was of little help. So, to feel alive, she started hanging out with the wrong sort of people, which lead to going to some club with her "friends" to celebrate her 20th birthday._

_The club was loud and crowded. She hated crowds. They reminded her of life and the living, and that her mother was no longer a part of that group. She was dead; buried six feet under in the cemetery she visited almost weekly. It didn't matter that it had almost been two years... Beckett would never get over her mother's death. It had destroyed her life, sucked out the happiness of living it, replacing it with what her shrink called survivor's guilt._

_If her "friends" hadn't fake IDed her into this club, Kate would probably be curled up in her bed back at the off-campus housing, crying herself to sleep in an empty apartment—her roomies were out of town. Instead of that, she was knocking back shots of vodka and flirting with any good-looking guy. It was her birthday; she might just take one of these studs back to her place for some fun. God knows she needed it. She'd done it last year… found some guy on campus… a bad boy sort, and had really rough sex with him. Afterwards she had to see her OB/GYN about some bleeding... luckily it wasn't too severe._

_As she flung what was probably her fifth or sixth—she really wasn't quite sure what number—shot of vodka back, burning down her throat as she swallowed, Kate caught sight of a man gazing at her from the end of the bar. He was probably ten years older than her, but damn was he hot. Yet there was also a sad quiet look about him, something that she could identify with._

_Wanting to know his story, she brushed passed the pre-med student who kept talking about how he wanted to save the world, and squeezed her way through the throng on the dance floor, heading in the ruggedly handsome guy's direction. His eyes followed her, like he knew she was coming to him._

" _Hi!" she said, a little drunk, but still coherent enough to know what she was doing. "Wanna buy a girl a drink?" And then, for good measure, she added, "It's my birthday!"_

_His eyes were a cobalt blue that fascinated her and she could not help but stare at him. He smiled at her, and called over the bartender. Kate was so lost in his eyes that she failed to hear what he had ordered, but frankly she couldn't care less. She was already enthralled by this man. There was something about him. For a second, she frowned, trying to get past her slightly buzzed thoughts to think of what it was that was so fascinating about him. It was almost like she knew him. Like she'd seen him before._

" _Do I know you?" she asked, catching him off guard._

_He looked at her for a moment, and then averted his eyes. "No… we… we haven't met, I… I'm Alexander Rodgers," he said, extending a hand._

_Kate smiled, and took his hand, shaking it. She liked him. All the other guys just tried to grab her ass after introductions and then just stared at her breasts. Alexander… he looked her in the eye. She must have been smiling like an idiot, because he looked at her awkwardly as he waited for a response._

" _And you are?"_

" _Oh," Kate blushed, embarrassed. She was just about to tell him her name when one of her "friends" spotted her and intruded on their conversation._

" _Hey… Jane!" her "friend" gave Kate a wink, using the name on her fake ID. "How's the birthday girl? Hopefully you're getting plenty drunk and finding some nice hunk to take home and have your way with." She looked over at Alexander and gave a salacious look._

_Kate blushed all the more, glancing over at Alexander and giving him an apologetic look. He gave her an understanding nod, and sat back, ignoring the look her "friend" had given him. Yet, unlike she had expected after the intrusion into their moment, he did not leave. Her heart clenched with silent joy. He wasn't going to leave. She didn't know why she was so happy about that, but she ignored it, and just lived in the moment, something she'd rarely done in the past two years._

_Giving him a grateful smile, Kate pulled her "friend" aside and quickly gossiped with her about things; useless stuff, if she was being honest. Really? Why was she hanging out with these people? Kate was seriously going to have to reconsider some of these so-called "friendships" she had made during the past two years. Some of these people really weren't good influences._

_Once when she had partied hard with them, Kate had awoken the next morning in some strange place with some strange guy—sure he was hot, but it kind of scared her that she didn't know his name or how she ended up there. She didn't remember anything, and that was sort of a wake up call that she needed to start changing her life. But she was still grief heavy with her mother's absence. So, whenever they called or showed up, she'd dropped what she was doing to go out and live vicariously through whatever high jinks they got up to (mostly it was just going to clubs, drinking and partying, and finding some guy to have a one-nighter with._

_Kate was pleased to see that Alexander was still there when she turned back around. She took the barstool next to him and smiled, thrilled to get a second chance at talking with him. "Thanks, I'm sorry about that," she said, gesturing back to her "friend"._

" _You sure she's your friend?" Alexander asked, glancing over at said "friend" dancing with the pre-med guy out on the floor._

" _No," Kate answered honestly._

_He seemed surprised. "Well good, Jane, because I'm sure you can do better than that," he laughed softly and Kate's eyes dropped to his lips. God, she barely knew him, yet she already wanted to kiss him. She was so absorbed in that fact, she hadn't even noticed he called her "Jane"._

_Somehow that fact got lost during the rest of the evening, and soon they were heading to her off-campus apartment. They couldn't even make it back to the bed, and collapsed on the couch, and damn did she have her wicked way with him. He was good, too… great, really, if she was being truthful. She'd never slept with someone who seemed so in tuned with her needs, her wants. Thankfully, her roomies where gone for the weekend, so she had the apartment all to herself, meaning she could scream as loud as she wanted… and dammit, did Alexander make her scream!_

_In the morning, he had made her breakfast… like a real breakfast with bacon, eggs, and toast. She hadn't had one of those for like forever. It was really sweet. As they ate, looking guilty, Alexander confessed to her that he hadn't done anything like last night in a long, long time… which made him feel sort of old. She laughed at him, did some teasing, and he did this adorable little pout that she soon wiped off his face with a searing kiss as she jumped into his lap. Then she proceeded to show him that he wasn't as old as he thought._

_And God… was it amazing!_

_To clean up after their morning escapades, he joined her in the shower, and they necked like teenagers (well, she was 20, so it was only natural). She enjoyed it so much, and was beginning to feel like this thing they had could go places other than just for one night. He later confirmed this, when he asked her out to dinner, which—of course—she enthusiastically said yes too. Before leaving, he gave her the address to the place, some bar called the Old Haunt. And at the door she kissed him while clutching the paper with his cell number and the address to the bar scrawled on it. To her it was nothing short of a map to a buried treasure._

_It was not until he left that she realized she had a pounding headache. Kate was truly amazed that being with him, not just in the physical sense, had blocked the gripping hangover she had from last night. After floating on air for a couple of minutes, still swooning over their goodbye kiss, Kate sauntered back to her room and collapsed on the bed, but not before she set her alarm clock. She wasn't going to miss having a real date with this guy. He was so much more than a one-night stand._


	2. Chapter 2

Castle sat in what he believed was either an interview or interrogation room, he could not decide which. The label probably depended on whether you were a suspect or not. Whatever it's current classification, it was sparse and spartan, painted in muted colors, and the table was flat and cold. The chair—needless to say—was uncomfortable.

He looked up as the door opened and she came in, nearly slamming it shut behind her. Her face was a mask, completely blank of any emotion, making it difficult for Castle to assess her mood. Her nose was buried in a file, presumably one about the murder she had referred to back at the launch party. To tell the truth, he was still a little overwhelmed. It was  _her_. It was his Jane from all that time ago, yet not. This was a homicide detective, and right now, as she dropped the file on the table and he risked a glance up, she looked pissed.

"Am I under arrest?" he choked out, barely able to talk, wishing his first question could be something else.

"No," she barked out, scowling. Though it was clear from her tone she wished he were. Jane pulled the chair out on the other side and sat down, not even looking at him. "Alison Tisdale?"

"What?"

Jane looked up at him, her green eyes in a heated glare. "Alison Tisdale? Ring a bell?"

He gulped, swallowing hard. "No. Should it?"

"Ignorance? That's what you're going with?" she asked, flipping through the file.

"Look, Jane… what's this about?" Castle was eager for answers, not just to why he had been hauled downtown, but also about her, about why she never called him after their month of bliss. Sure, the last time they'd seen each other had been as close to emotionally traumatic as humanly possible, at least on his part, but he had still believed in them. His feelings had never changed. And neither had his cell phone number; obstinately hoping she'd call him someday, despite almost everyone he knew calling him foolish to even thinking such a thing. Pathetic, he knew, but Jane had been extraordinary… worth the craziness.

"Name's Beckett," she snapped, her eyes darting up to glare at him again. "Detective Kate Beckett."

Castle swallowed again, a little unnerved to have her beautiful face looking at him with such hostility. He remembered it differently, eyes half closed and loving, mouth opened, exquisite rapture painted across her features.

"Mr. Castle?" Detective Beckett shouted.

"Huh?" Castle blinked and the image in his mind faded, dissolving into the picture of the woman before him. Despite the years since he'd last seen her, she still looked good. Very good. Hell, except for the short hair, she looked almost exactly the same… more mature, maybe, but her essence, the small bit he could see in her eyes, was the same. "Jane?"

"Beckett," she growled. "I said my name was Beckett. Detective Beckett!"

"Yes, Beckett, sorry," he nodded, his mind working on overload. Castle needed to get her to be less hostile. He wanted her back. He wanted his Jane.

Beckett—not Jane (she was gone)—clenched her jaw and glared at him, not yet accepting his apology. He could literally see her muscles moving under her porcelain skin; it looked just as soft as he remembered. God, he wished he could reach out and hold her cheek in his palm and caress away the hurt and anger reflecting out of her eyes.

" _So_ …," Castle drawled out, trying to think of something to say. He appraised her with his eyes, and noticed a starting point. " You've cut your hair."

"And your name's not Alexander!" she snapped back. "It's Richard Edgar Castle!"

"Yes, it is," he said softly, inclining his head. "I changed it to that after I started writing. My birth name, however, is Richard  _Alexander_  Rodgers."

Beckett blinked at him, and a little of Jane seeped through, if even for a second. But then it was gone, replaced with the steely gaze of Detective Beckett. Castle tried to smile, thinking that perhaps he could charm his way back in, but it wasn't working.

"You look good," he said, trying to bring back Jane.

"So do you," Beckett actually smiled a bit. Her eyes softened again. But then, just like before, they hardened. " _For murder_."

"Murder?" Castle hooted, ready to object. He wrote about murder; he did not commit it.

"Yes, murder!" Beckett stood up, seeming to need the height over him to feel in control. Castle didn't mind. He vividly remembered images of her rising over him… probably best to keep his mind focused on the present. She opened the folder and spread out crime scene photos of a beautiful young woman before him. "Alison Tisdale… remember now?"

"Hey, this looks familiar," he exclaimed, glancing over the photos. "Yes." He nodded, a little too vigorously, and he thought he might have pulled a neck muscle. He paused and rubbed the back of his neck. "Yes… this is  _Flowers For Your Grave_. Exactly as I wrote it."

"Exactly," Beckett smiled and leaned back, giving a triumphant nod.

"Oh, wait there, just a minute, I did not do this," he objected, waving his hands at the photos.

"Writing about it got a little dull, Castle?" she asked. "Needed the thrill of the real thing?"

"What? No," he stammered under her hard gaze. Why was she so hostile? Where was the woman he had made love to nine years ago? Yes. He had fallen in love. He couldn't help it, Jane… Jane was just too perfect not to.

Beckett flipped open another folder, and looked down at it. "This wouldn't be your first brush with the law, Mr. Castle," she said, her eyes looking down at the paper inside.

He craned forward, but then felt the sharp pain again in the back of his neck and leaned back, figuring she'd inform him about the contents of the pages she was glancing over.

"Public intoxication, public nudity, resisting arrest, and whoa… hold the horses… theft of police property," she raised an eyebrow and looked at him, as if imagining the scene.

"Ha-ha," he chuckled. "So I took a joyride."

"On a police horse?"

"It… it was there."

"And you were naked… why?"

Castle balked at that. There was no way he could answer that and still retain some dignity, or still have any respect left—if she even had any of that for him right now. He sighed and rubbed his hands over his face, wishing this reunion had been different. Very much different. He'd imagined it being without clothing, and filled with gasps and moans. If she had been any other hot female detective (which was rare, in itself), he'd be cocky as hell and charming his ass off. But not with her. Not Jane. Not Kate Beckett.

"Well, Castle? What do you have to say for yourself?" she was crossing her arms, looking a little too pleased with herself, like she had him nailed for the crime.

His mouth dropped open, not knowing what to say, but knowing he needed to say something. Yet before he could say anything, the door opened and a Hispanic detective stuck his head in.

"Yo, Beckett," he said.

Beckett shot him a glare, not pleased with being interrupted. She turned back to Castle and gave him another glare, warning him that she'd be back, expecting an answer to her question. Castle let out a sigh of relief as she stomped out of the room, the door slamming closed behind her.

"Not the sort of reunion you were hoping for, Rick," he mumbled to himself as he raked his fingers through his hair. Again, Castle began to imagine the heated pants and moans of the reunion he had always envisioned for him and the "mythical" Jane.

The door opened and a disgruntled looking Beckett reappeared. She stepped over to the table, scooped up the files and looked down at him. "You can go."

"What? Just like that? No more questions?"

"Yes, just like that," Beckett grumbled. "There's been another murder, and seeing as you were here,  _in police custody_ , when it occurred, you're off the hook… at least for now."

Castle stood, not wanting to leave it at that. She was already walking out the room. He rushed to follow. Pushing pass the door, he hurried after her. "Detective Beckett!" he called out as she ignored him. "Hey, come on, you owe me more than just that!"

She stopped, her back straightening. Castle held his breath.  _Please, oh please say I did not just wake the dragon?_

Beckett spun on her heels—killer high heels—and marched back to him. She lowered her brow and glared at him. "We're done, Mr. Castle," she said in a low voice, filled with so much venom that it left him completely stun and mute, unable to respond. Not many people could do that to him. And it felt oddly right that Ja—Beckett was one of them. He wondered what it was he had done to deserve her wrath, though, to be honest, he had one idea. "Call whoever it is you need to, and then leave."

With that said, she pirouetted around like a beautiful ballerina, and stalked off, ignoring him as he finally regained control of his vocal cords and hollered after her. Slouching his shoulders in defeat, he glanced about the bullpen of the 12th Precinct. His eyes immediately caught interest, and slowly, he sauntered over to the desk, and surreptitiously opened the folder lying there.

XXX

_Kate met Alexander outside the bar, the Old Haunt, at seven. Her hangover was gone, thanks to her long nap and one whole pot of coffee. When he greeted her it was with a tight hug and a quick, almost chaste, kiss. She bit her lower lip and giggled as he slipped his hand down and held hers as they walked down the stairs and into the bar._

_She had brought her fake ID (which said she was 23) with her, just in case, but when they walked in, no one asked. Part of her felt guilty for not telling Alexander the truth (about her age and name), but she just couldn't bring herself to spoil the fun they were having._

" _It may not seem like it, but this place has some of the best burgers in the city," Alexander enthused as they took a booth. They sat down and held each other's hands across the tabletop, grinning like lovesick teenagers. "I used to come here all the time to do some writing," he said absently as his fingers played around with hers._

" _Really? What sort of writing?" she asked, highly interested in finding out more about him now that she wasn't drunk or hungover._

_For a split second Kate saw panic flash across his eyes, but then it was gone, hidden behind a relaxed grin and his natural charm. "Just some doodles, nothing much," he said, almost a little too quickly. "Anyways, as I was saying, this place has got some great burgers."_

" _Sounds great!" she grinned, ignoring his deflection. In all honesty, she felt it was only right, considering she was letting him believe she was 23 and that her name was Jane._

_There was no waitress or waiter, so Kate didn't know how they were supposed to order their burgers. Alexander held onto one of her hands as he reached over to the side of the booth, pulling a small laminated menu from a sleeve against the wall. He flipped it up and placed it on the flat table surface between them. Beckett smiled, and played with his fingers as she leaned in to take a look at the menu._

_"Fries... we've gotta get the fries," he insisted with a smirk. "Best fries in all of New York... trust me."_

_"Really?" Kate smiled back, watching as he animatedly nodded and grinned like a little boy._

_She liked seeing this side of him. He was definitely more upbeat than some of the guys she usually hung out with. Well, that—and—he was the oldest, but she didn't mind that. He was good to her, and actually treated her like a person, not some object whom his sole interest in getting to know was to get at what was between her legs... though she didn't mind letting him down there. In fact, she was kind of hoping they'd be going back to her place after this dinner date. Oh God… was she actually on a date?_

_"This looks good," she said, pointing at a menu item labeled the Ye Ole Haunt Deluxe, as she desperately tried to push down the previous thought that had popped into her head._

_Alexander wiggled his eyebrows and grinned. "Great!" he shifted and arched his body towards the bar. "Hey, Al! Two orders of the Ye Ole Haunt Deluxe… with extra fries."_

_"Anything to drink?" the man asked._

_Alexander turned to her. "Jane?"_

_"Oh... um... just some water would be fine," Kate said, not wanting to consume any more alcohol._

_He nodded and turned his attention back to the bartender. "Two waters."_

_The man chuckled, and then hollered back, "Right you are, Rick!"_

_Kate frowned, and looked back at him, confused. The hand she was holding had tensed when the man had called him "Rick". And now, as she looked at him, Kate could tell that Alexander was worried... almost panicked looking. "Rick?" she questioned slowly, not wanting to ruin the evening, especially if it was headed where she thought—and hoped—it was._

_"Uh, yeah," he said, attempting to smile and falling flat. "A nickname... of sorts."_

_"Should I be calling you Rick, then?" she asked, wanting to make sure._

_"No," he shook his head. "With you... I... I want to be Alexander."_

_"Alright," she nodded, knitting her eyebrows together, growing a little cautious. Perhaps things weren't as they had appeared. She hoped he wasn't some married guy who was looking for an affair with a younger woman, because, even though the sex was beyond great, she didn't want to be "the other woman"._

_They sat quietly in uncomfortable silence, avoiding each other's gazes. Al came out from around the bar with two red basket plates containing the deluxe burgers and a generous helping of fries. Alexander had been right. The fries did look just as delicious as he had made them out to be. Al disappeared, and then returned with two glasses of water._

_Kate disengaged her hand from Alexander's and picked up her glass, taking a slow and delicate sip. She wanted the awkward tension that was hanging over them to disappear. She wanted the fun loving Alexander back. Glancing up at him, she watched as he sighed, looking despondent as he adjusted the burger in his hands._

_"Alex?"_

_"Yeah?" he looked up with worried eyes, placing his burger back down on the plate._

_"You're not married, are you?"_

_A sigh. Oh, god, he was! Kate tried not to hide her disappointment. She should have known, should have seen the signs. But then, just as she was about to reclaim her purse and make a break for it, she caught him shaking his head._

_"No," he said. "I'm not."_

_Kate narrowed her eyes, sensing a 'but'. He remained silent, however, so she had to take the initiative. "But?"_

_"I was," he answered, looking away... almost like he was what… ashamed?_

_"Hey... it's all right," Kate said, reaching over to grab a hold of his hand. She interlaced her fingers with his. "I'm not going to judge."_

_He swallowed hard and looked up at her, their eyes locking. He smiled, it wasn't completely his dazzling smile that melted her heart (boy, that was a fact), but it was close. Kate squeezed his hand and gave him a reassuring smile._

_"If you don't want to talk about it, that's okay," she said._

_"No... I should," he said. "Jane, I like you... a lot. And hell, I know it's only been a day, but... I feel this connection with you... I just don't want my past ruining things."_

_"Don't worry about it," Kate said, rubbing her thumb across the back of his hand. She was surprised by that, finding it a much more intimate and familiar gesture than she had ever used with anyone outside of family. "Here, how about this? You tell me yours, and I tell you mine."_

_His eyebrows came together in confusion. "Huh?"_

_"Why we were both at that bar," she said. "I know you weren't there to pick up women. You looked sad... introspective. It's what drew me to you. And, though it was my birthday, that's not really why I was there."_

_"Oh," Alexander chuckled softly and nodded. "Alright."_

_He swallowed hard, and then dove in, telling her about how for over three years he'd known for sure that his wife had been cheating on him. But he had tolerated it, even turned a blind eye to it, because at the end of the day, Meredith (his ex-wife) had always come home to him and his daughter. He tried glossing over the fact that he had a six-year-old daughter, but Kate really didn't mind—she had told him that she wasn't going to judge him, and she had been honest with him on that point. She had enough skeletons of her own. She had no right to judge others._

" _What was the final straw?" she asked, knowing something had to have happened to make him finally file for divorce._

" _Alexis—that's my daughter," he said, sighing deeply. "Meredith… I don't want to speak ill of the mother of my child, but… damn, she was a terrible mother. When the lifestyle Meredith wanted to lead began interfering and spilling into our home… that… that's when I had to end it. For Alexis… to keep her safe from that destructiveness."_

_Kate nodded, not sure how to respond. It felt somewhat wrong to impose her own feelings onto the matter, considering her own past. She really felt sorry for the girl, Alexis… truly sympathizing for her. To have a mother, but not really have a mother. It was a terrible thing._

_Alexander let out a sad kind of laugh. "I was actually kind of afraid to tell you this," he admitted, his eyes looking at her with concern. "I mean, come on, what sort of woman wants to date a man who's just recently got divorced and has sole custody of his six year old daughter. I… I didn't want you to think that last night was… was just a fling to me, something to help me recover and lick my wounds from the hurt of being… of being—"_

" _Abandoned?" she supplied._

_He nodded. "Yeah, I guess that's how I felt. And lonely. It seems like everything I reach for dissolves away and turns to ash. Except Alexis… she's the only bright thing in my life right now. And with… with you, Jane, I didn't want to a make another mistake like I did with Meredith. I… I want to do it right."_

_Alexander took a cleansing breath when he was done, looking more at ease, more relaxed than he had been before._

" _If you ask me," Kate said, bringing her other hand over to join the one already holding his. "It's Meredith's loss, and my gain."_

_Alexander smiled, and it was that joyous smile she had seen in the morning when they had woken up snuggled close. Though, when she saw it, a little pang of guilt jumped up in her gut as she talked, knowing that she was not being completely honest with him. She'd make it up to him. But not yet… it was too soon to try and fix that mistake. But she'd fix it. She would._

" _Now… mine," she said, leaning back and letting out a long sigh. Kate wasn't looking forward to this, but her therapist had told her that sharing the burden with others would help lessen the pain, even if just a tiny bit, and be both a_ _cathartic and liberating experience._

_So she did just that. Kate told him about her mother, and how, for two years, she'd been allowing that awful tragedy to consume her life. Kate confessed to him, telling him all the things she regretted that she had done… all the drugs and alcohol, the shallow friends who weren't really friends... everything (except that which was most important… her age and real name)._

" _Oh, Jane, I'm so sorry," he said, leaning across the table, their burgers long forgotten. He cupped her cheek in his hand and his thumb tenderly brushed away a stray tear._

" _No… it's okay," she fought back her overwhelming emotions, trying to smile. "I… I'm dealing with it." Kate raised a hand and touched the side of his face, surprised to see tears in his eyes. Never had she seen someone moved to such extremes by her sad little tale._

" _It's all right to cry, Jane," he said, backing a way and sliding out of the booth to join her on her side of the table._

_She turned a little and easily leaned against him, accepting his arm as it wrapped around her waist. She rested her head on his shoulder as he soothingly ran his hand up and down her back. His lips touched the top of her head, and she had a feeling he was pulling up his fatherly instincts to comfort her. But it was more than just that. It was genuine. His comfort and concern was genuine. Real. Like him._

_Tilting her head up, she looked into his dark blue eyes, and was stunned to see such compassion and caring reflected back. She smiled, and wiped her eyes. "Just being with you, Alex… it… it makes me feel better, stronger, like I can finally get over that wall and be the woman I want to be."_

_He smiled and she pushed up, grabbing his face and kissing him hard. Alexander let out a quiet moan as she pulled back. Kate smiled, and let her hand fall to his chest. She fiddled with the lapel of his blazer. "Can we get this to go?"_

" _Huh?"_

_She smirked, loving it that she had made him so speechless._

" _Oh, the food, yeah, sure… yeah," he nodded, absently turning around and flicking his fingers, trying to snap them and get Al's attention._


	3. Chapter 3

First thing he needed to do was call Alexis. He knew she'd be worried about him. He had, after all, been hauled out of the launch party by the police last night, a pallid tint to his face, like he had just seen a ghost. Well, he had… in a manner of speaking. Jane had always been on his mind, ever since she'd disappeared from his life. Hell, he'd even dedicated a book to her. Gina had asked him about it once, but he refused to answer. Jane was his. He wasn't going to share her with Gina.

He shuddered. Best keep Gina and Jane on separate wavelengths. Jane was much more pleasant to think about than his mistake ex-wife. He shuddered again, remembering the hostile and aggression displayed by Ja—Beckett. Right…  _her name is Kate Beckett, Rick… not Jane_ , Castle slapped the palm of his hand against his forehead. He groaned and pulled out his phone to make the call to his daughter.

After assuring a very anxious Alexis that he was okay, that it was just a misunderstanding, Castle found a street vendor already serving hotdogs (only in New York). Some people might gawk at him for eating one so early in the morning, but he couldn't care less. He loved these mystery meat dogs.

Castle scarfed down the hotdog as he hurriedly walked down the sidewalk, the folders he'd swiped from the station precariously held under one arm. He needed somewhere he could study these in peace and quiet, without being interrupted. Ah, the library! There was a branch opened nearby.

As he rushed passed the check out counter. The stern librarian gave him a hard look as if to tell him "no running". He gave her a tight smile, and slowed his pace. A quick glance around proved that he was not the only early riser, so the speak. He found some people reading the morning edition of the Times in the lounge area. Bypassing them, he headed to a secluded part of the library. Finding an empty table, he laid out the folders before him and pulled out the files, photos, reports and all.

This guy was some sort of copycat... plain and simple. It was the only explanation Castle could come up with as he examined the photos of the crime scene. Either that, or he was a complete nut job. Everything was exactly the same as  _Flowers For Your Grave_. It was almost poetically beautiful, if it hadn't been so grizzly. Knowing that someone had patterned a murder… a  _real_  murder… after one of his books did not give him the sort of thrill he had expected it would. Instead, Castle felt sick to his stomach.

But there was more to it than just that. It was  _her_ … Jane… no—Beckett... Detective Kate Beckett.  _Damn it, Rick… you need to get that straight otherwise you'll never get an in_ , he thought.

Despite himself, Castle smiled. His feelings for Jane had never changed. And now that they had reunited, even if it was not under the circumstances he had hoped for, he felt that love bubbling up inside him again. Even when he had married Gina—to give Alexis a mother figure—he had still always been in love with Jane. It had been unfair to himself… and even to Gina, if he was being honest.

Sighing, and shaking his head to clear it of those thoughts, he turned back to the photos and police reports he had "borrowed" from the station. Yeah… he was probably going to get in some trouble for this, but he didn't care. Especially if it brought Detective Kate Beckett back into his life. He smiled wistfully. Whether she liked it or not, he was going to find a way to squeeze his way back in there and find her inner Jane. He knew Beckett still had her, he'd seen it in her beautiful green eyes. Jane was still hidden away somewhere within that gorgeous homicide detective. She just needed the right man to coax her back out.

"Castle!" her irritated growl brought him back to the present.

Turning in his chair, he spotted the detective stalking across the library, ignoring the peeved look of the librarian. God she looked hot… pissed as hell, but hot, yes. He took in her long stride and those killer heels. Yeah… he wanted her. Still did. Always. He paused, smiling at the word. Seemed appropriate enough to describe what he felt for Jane. He was positive it would be the same for this Detective Beckett. She just had to be the same woman, despite having different names.

"Why, Detective Beckett," Castle smirked, pouring on the charm. "What a surprise to see you here!"

"I should haul your ass out of here in chains," she grumbled, closing the distance between them, her brow set lower, eyes glaring like fire. "I mean, damn it, Alex, what the  _hell_  were you thinking?" She paused, her eyes going wide as she took in her slip.

He grinned triumphantly. She was already falling back into old habits; perhaps it wouldn't be such a long shot of getting past her hostility and rekindling that passionate fire.

Beckett looked none too pleased with having to come all the way down here to look for him. She placed her hand on the top of his head and he shivered as an electrical spark jolted throughout his body at her touch. Narrowing her eyes at him suspiciously, she maneuvered his head back around until he was looking down at the photos and police reports.

"Care to explain what you were thinking, taking these from my desk?" she asked, her voice low, appeasing the disgruntled looking librarian, who had been sending death glares over at them for making too much noise.

"That was  _your_  desk?" he squeaked out, finding it hard to breath with having her so near. He turned his head, just as she turned hers, and they found themselves so close… so very close to each other. Castle could smell something, it was sweet and wonderful, and it was coming from her. He quirked his lips up. "You smell like cherries."

"I… uh…," she fumbled, her expression changing drastically between annoyed and flattered, before she leaned back and gestured back to the photos. "Castle…  _explain_. And please," she closed her eyes for a moment, "don't tell me you took them because they'd be good for sales."

"What?" he hooted, coming back out of his trance. "This is not about the books, Ja—um… Kate," he caught his slip, remembering how annoyed she was when he kept calling her that back at the station.

"Looks like the books to me," Beckett said, looking over the photos. "Just like your book. In fact,  _exactly_  like your book."

"Hey, you know what I meant," he smiled, his eyes flicking up to look at her teasing eyes.

She quickly frowned and backed away, crossing her arms under her breasts. "So?"

"Uh, yes, I was going to return them, honest," he blinked innocently, trying to use that charm again. It didn't work. It never would, not with her. She knew him too well, the real him. She was the one that he had broken down in bed with because of how difficult things had become for Alexis with just him and no stable mother. She had held him as he had sobbed, grieved his daughter's stolen childhood, caressing his back and murmuring soothing words in his ear. He sighed. "I thought I could help, Detective. I mean, come on, whoever this killer is, he's modeling his murders after the ones in my book."

"Books, actually," Beckett said, a little more softly, like she was taking pity on him, remembering the same things he was.

"That murder that cleared me of the Tisdale one?" he asked, almost looking eager.

Beckett sighed and lowered her head, nodding. "Yes."

"Look, Detective," he started off fast and quick, needing to make his case before she railroaded him back into the ground. "This guy is obviously well versed in my books. I can help."

She looked at him for a long moment, chewing on her lower lip as she decided. It was an incredibly adorable mannerism. He tried very hard not to stare, but it was difficult.

"Please?" he pulled out his soulful pleading eyes, hoping it would help.

Beckett chuckled and rolled her eyes, turning her back to him and slouching her shoulders. "I can't believe I'm doing this," he heard her huff. She turned back around, forcing a smile on. "Alright, Mr. Castle, you can help."

He suppressed a squeal of delight, and turned back around to collect the photos and reports. Picking them up, he made a move to stand up, but was stop when Beckett jabbed a finger on his chest.

"But you listen to me, Castle, and you listen hard," she hissed. "If I tell you to stay in the car… you damn well better stay in the car."

Castle gulped and bobbed his head. "Whatever you say, Detective."

"Okay," Beckett gave a nod and backed away, turning to lead the way out of the library. She took a half step and then stopped, pausing and looking at him over her shoulder. "Oh, and no funny business, you got it? We're working a case, not going out on a date. And remember, Castle, it's accompany and observe, not participate and annoy. Got it?"

"Participate and annoy is a lot more fun, but all right," he did a dramatic sigh as she gave him a little glare. "Don't worry, Detective, I'll be a consummate professional." He batted his eyelashes innocently for effect.

Beckett scoffed, not buying it and turned back around. She didn't stop him, though, from following her, at least. Castle grinned. He was in. Now all he had to do was convince her to take another step and he'd finally have the love he had longed for. But first they had to deal with this case. He didn't like the fact that someone was using his books to murder people. They'll deal with that. Then… then after that, he'd go searching for his Jane.

XXX

" _Oh God, Alex! YES! YES!" Kate screamed as he brought her over the edge. Oh god, he did have talented fingers! She clutched onto him, pulling him back up to worship is mouth in a searing kiss, drinking in the sultry scents of their sweat mixing as their nude flesh pressed together._

_Alexander's rumbling chuckle shook the bed as they tumbled around, knocking a stray pillow off. "Do you think we woke your roomies?" he asked._

" _I don't care," Kate mumbled under her breath, silencing him by ramming her mouth against his. Using her long legs for leverage, she rolled them over, pushing him onto his back as she climbed up on top, straddling him. She continued in her exploration of the depths of his mouth. Meanwhile his talented hands ran up and down her back, causing shivers of delight to run down her spine._

_Growling loudly, Kate pounced on him, bringing them back together and taking complete control. Alexander gasped at her sudden charge, but he met it with just as much intensity and passion as she gave. His hands were on her, holding her close as they swayed and moved together, each taking and giving. It was a dance. One they'd done for nearly every night since they first met._

_Alexander spun them around, and pinned her under him, pressing her into the mattress. He kissed his way down her neck, blazing a hot trail between her breasts._

" _Alexander?" she hissed, her voice pleading._

_He answered her with a vibrating hum against her chest. That didn't help. She growled, hooked her neck up and gave him a fierce glare. He grinned mischievously while he moved back up, locating that sweet spot on her neck, just under her ear. She moaned and squirmed under him, and then they reconnected._

_Alexander's hands ran up and down her long legs, his fingernails digging into her thighs as she wrapped them tightly around his hips, pulling him closer. Kate rocked with him, both pulling and pushing, each gasping and grunting… sometimes crying out as they each hit a certain point that had them overcome with ecstasy._

_It was during one of those overwhelming moments of pleasure that someone pounded against the wall behind the head of the bed._

" _Can you two keep it down? Some of us got finals in the morning!"_

_Kate visibly blushed. But if that was from embarrassment or from the flush of repeated releases, she didn't know. Alexander stopped his movements and chuckled, resting his forehead against hers. She laughed, as well, and then pushed up to kiss him sweetly._

_He returned the kiss and gently wrapped his arms around her, continuing at a tortuously slow pace that had her softly panting and clutching his shoulders to keep herself grounded in reality. It would be far too easy to slip away and float off into the cloud of bliss._

_The high of release came and she bit her lower lip, stifling the boisterous moan (no man had made her scream like him) that wanted out. Alexander dipped his head down and open-mouthed kissed her, allowing her the escape she needed._

_When they were done, Kate curled up alongside him on top of the covers, slinking her arms around his waist and resting her head against his chest, loving how both their bodies were slick with the dew of lovemaking… oh, had she just thought of it as lovemaking? That happened quickly._

_Playing with the hairs on his chest, Kate looked up at him, finding that, for the moment, she didn't mind that it had been the name "Jane" he had called out in the height of passion. One morning, after he had left, her roomies cornered her in the breakfast nook and questioned her on it. She babbled until one of them helped out, asking if it was some strange role-playing thing. Kate jumped on that, and let them think that. It was easier than the truth… at least for now. She could deal with that later. Right now, she just wanted to enjoy her time with him._

" _So… we woke the roomies," Alexander chuckled._

" _Yeah, we did," she giggled softly, and couldn't remember the last time she felt this great… this loved._

_He kissed her forehead and sighed. It was a sigh of contentment and satisfaction. Kate felt a warm feeling in her chest knowing she had been the one who had made him sigh like that. She smiled, and snuggled closer._

_This was nice, being with the same guy more than once… especially when it was so good. And it was more than just the fact they seemed to fit perfectly together physically; it was the way in which they did it. Hence her calling it lovemaking and not sex._

_Now it was her turn to sigh with contentment and satisfaction. She could feel his smile of pride at that and she dug deeper into him, burying her head against his shoulder._

" _Got any plans for tomorrow?" he asked, his fingers tenderly running up and down her back._

" _Hmm… staying in bed with you?" Kate suggested, half sleepy._

_Alexander chuckled. "I'd loved to do that, believe me, but I promised Alexis I'd take her to the zoo… wanna come?"_

" _Really?" she asked, pushing up on an elbow to look down at him._

_He nodded. "Yeah…," he asserted, giving her a charming smile. "We've been doing this for almost two weeks now—not that I don't mind, but I'd like to show you off, as it were."_

_She chuckled. "Show me off?" Never in her wildest dreams did she ever think she'd meet a guy who wanted to show her off. She wasn't that great really._

" _Yeah, got a problem with that?" he laughed, but his shaky voice betrayed his worry. Alexander must be thinking he might have ruined the mood._

" _No… not at all," Kate said, shaking her head and grinning at him, her eyes sparkling… from real emotion and not the buzz of alcohol (another thing that was thanks to Alexander). "Just… damn… I have classes tomorrow." She frowned. "I could cut class."_

" _No," he shook his head. "You should go to class."_

" _But what about Alexis?" she asked._

" _You can meet her when the semester's over… when things are less, um, hectic," Alexander replied._

_Kate bobbed her head. "Alright." She leaned back down, placing her head on his shoulder and slinking her arms back around his waist. "So… you'd really introduce me to your daughter?"_

" _Yeah, why not?" he asked._

" _Because I'm only twenty, remember?" she said. It had felt better that she'd made that confession, even if she still hadn't yet told him her real name._

" _I know, and again, I'm sorry about earlier," he said. "I… it was just a bit of a shock, is all."_

" _It's okay," Kate mumbled against his chest, fiddling with her fingers. A sly smile grew across her lips. "You've more than made up for it."_

_After she had told him that she was only 20, and not 23, like she had led him to believe, Alexander had stormed out of the apartment in a series of grunted curse words. He had disappeared for thirty minutes. And those thirty minutes had been some of the most heart wrenching minutes of her life. Kate had been so afraid that she had scared him off... that he wouldn't come back. Because like it or not, she needed him. Needed this stable relationship to get her life back on track. And being with him did that for her._

" _I'm still sorry," he said, rubbing her back. "I shouldn't have stormed out. Rather childish of me, really." He chuckled._

_Suddenly Kate thought of something. "Hey, Alex?"_

" _Huh? Yeah?"_

" _If you're here with me, who's with Alexis?"_

" _Mother," he said._

" _Mother?"_

" _Yeah, my mother agreed to help me out after the divorce was final," Alexander answered._

_Kate adjusted herself against him, bringing her elbow back up and playing with her hands on his chest. "Does… does your mother know where you are? Whom you're with?"_

" _Jane? Is something the matter?" he asked, turning onto his side to look at her._

_She swallowed. Better get it out now before she lost the nerve. "Nothing, really," she lied. "Okay… well, it's just that you always come over here, we… we never go to your place."_

" _Oh," he said, then frowned. "Sorry. I… I just thought… thought you liked it better here."_

" _I do…," she shrugged. "It's just, you know, sometime it might be nice to see where you live."_

_Alexander gave a nod, like he understood, but he also looked unnerved and anxious about something. Kate bit her lower lip, feeling her chest clench in concern. She didn't want to scare him away. God, she hoped she didn't seem too needy._

" _Don't worry about it, Alex," Kate said, moving a hand up to caress the side of his face. "As you said, it's only been two weeks. And… and I still got a lot of make up to do with my classes if I'm to advance after the semester."_

_He nodded. "I'm sorry."_

_Kate couldn't get over the deep sound of regret in his voice as he said that. She swallowed and moved closer, pulling his lips to hers, kissing him softly. "Can you stay the night?" she asked when she leaned back._

" _Of course," he said, smirking. "I can even make you pancakes in the morning."_

_She giggled softly. "I'd like that."_


	4. Chapter 4

Castle stood on the street, waiting for her. She was handing the killer over to the uniforms right now. She had been pissed with him. He'd gotten out of the car. But if he hadn't taken that risk, they wouldn't have got the guy. Sure, he had taken an extreme risk, but god… what a thrill. He could feel the rush of adrenaline through his body, even now. Not to mention the creative juices pumping in his mind. Jane—Beckett, Kate Beckett—was so hot, holding that gun, pointing it at the perp. Damn, was he turned on.

"Castle, wiped that smirk off your face!" Beckett snapped, returning from the patrol car.

He would have obliged her, but the way her hips swayed as she sauntered over to him just made him grin all the more, especially since he had images of what those hips looked like without any clothing obstructing his sight. Shaking his head, he turned his eyes up to meet hers, and smiled even more than he had been before. No longer hostile. More… accepting.

"We make a good team, Detective," he said.

"Team?" she scoffed and rolled her eyes. "You disobeyed my orders, Castle. I told you to stay in the car, and you didn't." She paused and frowned. "By the way, how did you unlock the handcuffs?"

He chuckled and raised his hands, twiddling his fingers. "I've got talented fingers, then again, you already knew that, Detective," he winked and was pleased when a quick blush overtook her cheeks before she stifled it. Oh, so she did remember.

The shrill sound of her cell ringing interrupted them before she could admonish him further on disobeying her instructions. Castle knew she was going to do that, he could tell by the way her lips pursed together. Beckett looked down at her cell, then held up her hand, a gesture that at least told him she still had more she wanted to talk about.

"I gotta take this… stay," she said, giving him a look like he was a disobedient dog.  _Oh, but he was hers!_

He nodded and put his hands in his pockets, smiling at her.

She rolled her eyes at him and shook her head, turning away and bringing her phone up to answer it.

Castle gave her space, not wanting to be intrusive into her life, at least not yet. He needed time to weasel his way back in. Really? Weasel? What was he thinking with that word choice? He wasn't some kind of parasite that needed to crawl covertly under the radar. He was in love with her, and he found himself even more in love after seeing her as the brilliant homicide detective she had turned into.

She was nearing the end of her conversation, he could tell, by the way her eyes kept glancing up to him. She nodded, and he took a stepped forward.

"I love you," she murmured into the phone, then hung up, turning to look at him, her eyebrows raised.

He'd stopped in mid-step upon hearing her farewell. Dear god, had he completely jumped to conclusions? He hadn't seen a ring on her finger, so he knew she wasn't hitched, but that did not exclude the possibility that she was seeing someone. His face must have been broadcasting his sudden worry loud and clear, because Beckett cleared her throat.

"You okay there, Castle?"

"Huh?" he shook his head and looked at her with new curiosity.

She narrowed her eyes and stared back at him. Biting her lower lip, it looked like she was weighing some decision in her head. She took a deep breath, seemingly deciding. "Look, Castle, we… we really need to talk about—"

"Alexander and Jane?" he offered with a smirk.

"Yeah," she nodded, giving him a sad laugh. "About them. And… and about us."

" _Us?_ " he choked out.

So there was a possibility he'd see her again. He was liking this, though he made sure not to get his hopes up. He may have had her heart back then, but now some other man might have it. And if Richard Castle was anything, it wasn't a man who stole another guy's girl. Oh, but he so wanted to. For Kate Beckett, he'd break that rule.

Beckett nodded. "I know now," she said, looking up at him with eyes of regret, "that Alexis is real… that the things you told me back then were not some fictional story concocted to lull me into sleeping with you."

Castle swallowed. "It was never about that, Beckett," he said softly, serious. "Not with you. Never with you. I meant everything I said back then… still do."

She quirked up an eyebrow. "How can you say that? I'm a whole another person than I was back then."

"Not really… not the important parts, anyways," he said, sighing. "To me… you'll always be Jane."

Her lips tugged upwards slightly. Was that a smile? "Look, Castle, how about this weekend, we… we get together and… and talk it all out," she offered.

He couldn't believe his luck. "Absolutely, yes."

She smiled at his enthusiasm. "Alright," Beckett gave a nod. "I'll give you a call… number's still the same, right?"

"Never changed it," he said, giving her an all to telling smile.

"Oh…," he didn't know what to make of that reaction. "Okay," she bobbed her head, her eyes narrowing, and her eyebrows knitting together. "Saturday, then. I'll give you a call."

"Sure," Castle gave a quick nod. "Saturday."

Beckett nodded, and then turned around, sauntering back to the squad cars and the uniform officers waiting for her. He could not help but stare after her, watching the sway of her hips and the spring to her step. Kate Beckett was definitely different than Jane, but he liked her. He liked her a lot.

Oh… those sparks in his mind, creativity… an idea!

When he got home, after kissing Alexis on the head—the little student was busy studying (it was anyone's guess where she got those genes), Castle went straight for his office. He quickly booted up his laptop and began to write… write like crazy. He hadn't had such a case of rapid creativity in months, and it was so rewarding to finally watch the blank pages fill with words… and so quickly at that.

"Dad! You… you're writing again?" it was Alexis, standing in the doorway with an amazed expression on her face.

Castle nodded. "Inspiration struck."

"When?" his daughter inquired, giving him a suspicious look. "Was it when you were out with that detective?"

"Kate Beckett. Yes," he nodded.

Alexis padded across the threshold and came up to his desk, moving up to sit on the edge. She arched her neck and looked over at the laptop's screen, watching as the page rapidly filled with text.

"Wow, you're going fast," she exclaimed, beaming with pride, pleased to see him back at work. "Inspiration must have really struck." She narrowed her eyes. "But… Dad? That name?"

"Huh?"

"Nikki Heat?"

"What about it?" he asked.

"It sounds like a stripper name," she asserted.

He gasped, jerking his head up and giving her an incredulous look. "How would you even know such a thing?"

"Really, Dad," Alexis sighed with a laugh. "I'm more of the parent in this odd little family we've got."

Castle pushed his lower lip out and pouted. "Well sometimes I like to pretend I'm the ideal father," he said.

"Don't worry, you are," Alexis chirped happily and leaned down to give him a quick kiss on the cheek. She jumped off the edge of the desk. "Pizza for dinner?"

"Yeah, sure… can you order? I'm on a roll here," he called after her.

Alexis raised her hand and waved, letting him know she'd take care of feeding him. He smiled and shook his head excitedly. Oh… another thought! Oh… this one was brilliant. So very brilliant. Castle turned to his phone, picked it up and scrolled through his contacts. Finding the one he wanted (the one he knew he needed for this bit of inspiration), he dialed the number and waited for the other line to answer.

"Hey Bob, it's Rick. I've got a favor to ask."

XXX

_She did it._

_She actually did it._

_She'd gone back home, sat down and talked it out with her dad. He was going to check into rehab and get sober. Kate was pleased with herself, but she wouldn't have had the guts to do it if it hadn't been for Alexander's support and comfort. He was amazing. Everything she had been looking for in a man… and—she knew it had only been a month—but she was even starting to think that he could be that mythical one and done._

_However, there was still one more hurdle to get over. Her name. She'd managed to tell him that she was not really 23, that she had just turned 20 when they met at the club. For a while, she had been worried that it had scared him off, but he came back after taking a thirty-minute walk around the block. Alexander pulled her into his arms, apologized for marching out like that, and kissed her hungrily. They ended up in bed, thoroughly sated and pleased with one another._

_Now it was just her name. He'd been more than understanding, not pressing for too many details after she'd confessed to him about all the things she had done during the past two years… the good and the bad. And it still astonished her that even after hearing those things (some of which she would always regret doing) he had stayed. Kate believed she was a broken husk of a woman, not deserving of the obvious affection in his eyes, but he assured her she was wrong._

_Oh, how she was hoping this would last. It no longer felt weak to say she needed this… needed him. Just being with him for those first two weeks had lend her the stability she had needed to get her life back in order. She was attending classes again, was back on friendly terms with her roommates, and was bedding a dashingly handsome man to boot._

_Yep, life was pretty good._

_If someone had told her that two years after her mother's murder, she'd find happiness in the arms of a single father with abandonment issues, she would have laughed in their face. Now, she wasn't too sure._

_Kate liked Alexander. She really liked him. Hell, she was probably already in love with him. It startled her to even think that, but how could she not. He treated her with respect and as an equal. None of her previous boyfriends (the ones that lasted more than a week) had ever done that. It was refreshing, having a clean relationship for once (even if there were still some shadows hanging over it)._

_She still wondered sometimes about that whole thing with people calling him "Rick". He had said it was a nickname, and that he preferred her calling him Alexander, but she wasn't sure. He always responded quicker to Rick. And then there were the gifts. They weren't overly pricey, but they were of a higher quality than she had ever seen. He had his issues, to be sure, like everyone else, but he had the penchant for becoming withdrawn or vague when she asked him about his job—yet another thing that needed to be dealt with before they went any further. Plus, she still hadn't met Alexis and his mother, or seen his apartment._

_Sighing, Kate pushed those thoughts into the back of her mind. Just enjoy it, Kate, she told herself. Enjoy the laughter, the fun… the sex… god that was so great. She was even starting to think of it as lovemaking. And one night, after some heated lip locking, Alexander had almost slipped and said those three words. And it stunned her that she was disappointed he hadn't. But they had only been dating (if meeting for lunch or dinner, then going back to her place to roll in the hay could be considered dating) for a month._

_So, it was too early for that. Much too early. But she could still feel it, right?_

_Getting off the bus, Kate pulled out her cell and called Alexander. She already had him on speed dial. After only two rings, he answered._

" _Jane!" he was always so enthusiastic and delighted when she called him._

" _Hey, Alex," she said, smiling, rolling a lock of hair around in her fingers as she walked down the street, glancing over at the bookstore. "I'm on my way back from talking with my dad," she said, stopping at the entrance to Barnes & Noble._

" _How's he doing?"_

" _Good… much better, actually," she admitted. "He's going into rehab. He says he'll get sober. I'm going to have my dad back!"_

" _That's great, Jane!" he was genuinely happy for her, and she could hear it in his voice. "You wanna get together and celebrate?"_

" _Yes!" she grinned, nodding a thank you to a man who held the door open for her as she walked in. "I'm on my way home right now, but I'm stopping by the bookstore first to buy a book."_

" _Oh," Alexander said, sounding slightly worried on the other end. After an awkward pause, he came back on the line. "Where are you?"_

" _Downtown, at the Barnes & Noble," Kate stated, looking around curiously. "Why?"_

" _Um… probably nothing," he said, sounding like he was coughing up a lie._

_She narrowed her eyes and frowned. "Alex, is something wrong?" Kate was worried now that the whole "Rick" episode in the Old Haunt and some of the other places they went out too was going to resurface and that Alexander would become evasive._

" _Damn it, leave me alone," he hissed._

" _What?"_

" _No, not you… sorry," he quickly said, sounding desperate. "Look, Jane… I gotta go. Can I call you back in an hour or two?"_

" _Okay, I guess," she said, frowning, completely perplexed by the turn in this conversation. "Look, I'm just going to buy my book and go home. Why don't you just come by for dinner and we can sit on the couch and fool around."_

" _Sounds like a plan," Alexander replied, and she grinned, hearing the smile back in his voice._

" _Alright, see you then," she said. "Bye."_

" _Bye."_

_Kate hung up and looked down at her phone. Strange. She suddenly had a bad feeling that things were about to change, and not for the better. Shaking it off, she turned and looked around. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw the sign. No… it couldn't be?_

_FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER - ONE DAY ONLY, GET THE NEWEST BOOK BY RICHARD CASTLE - SIGNED BY THE AUTHOR HIMSELF._

_Luck was on her side today. Her feelings of unease over her phone conversation with Alexander momentarily floated away as she tried to contain the fangirl glee at being able to get an autograph copy of her favorite author's latest book. There had been rumors on the fan forums that Black Pawn had finally convinced Richard Castle to do a book signing, but she had no idea which day nor which store he was going to be present._

_He was known for his playboy persona and his wild partying, but had somehow managed to keep his image (if not his name) out of the papers. Kate had seen some fan (more stalker-like) photos, but those were grainy and it was difficult to really see anything. Though in the latest batches of "I Spotted Castle" Kate had seen blurry images of Castle coming out of some trendy club with a tall leggy brunette. If she hadn't had Alexander, she'd be super envious of that woman._

_Like most of the candid photos on the forum, it was hard to really make out anything, so Kate still didn't know what her favorite author looked like. Just like the other fans she chatted with on the forum, they were all surprised that he had yet to sit down for a photo to place on the back cover of his books. Though, there was rumor circulating on all the fan sites that Black Pawn had finally talked him into doing one. Kate always thought it was odd that an attention getter like Richard Castle always seemed to try and avoid getting his picture taken. But now… oh gosh… now she was going to be able to meet him in person!_

_Before more spaces could be filled, she jumped in line. Kate quickly texted Alexander, telling him she might be a little late getting home, since she was currently standing in line to get the autograph of her favorite author. She waited to see if he'd text back, he always did, no matter how inane her texts were, but this time he didn't. He was oddly silent. She frowned for a moment, remembering the awkward conversation, before she interrupted from her thoughts by a store employee offering her a book._

_Oh, this was great. She didn't even have to scramble to get herself a book. She flipped it open and immediately started reading it. Wow! He'd created a new character… Derrick Storm. She'd been reading that on the fan forums, and was thrilled that Castle seemed ready to create a serial character. His stand-alone books were great, but it would be awesome to see what he could do with a character arch over several books._

" _Next," a woman… probably his publicist, called out._

_Kate stepped forward and lowered the book, smiling wide, delighted to finally meet the author who's words had helped her through some of her dark days after her mother's murder. But what she saw stopped her in her tracks._

" _Alexander?" she gasped._

" _Jane!" Richard Castle's eyebrows rose in surprise and concern._

_His publicist looked annoyed. "Stop gaping. Just sign her book, Rick."_

_Rick… Castle? Alexander? Oh god, it all made sense now. The evasiveness whenever someone called him "Rick". Never going to his place, always hers. The… the expensive gifts! Her throat seized up and suddenly she couldn't speak. Her eyes grew moist. If… if he had been lying to her about that… what else had he been lying about? Was… was she just a plaything to him? Something to distract him from his parties and writing? Was Alexis even real? Or had he just invented her to gain her sympathy?_

_Shaking her head, she turned and ran._

" _Jane!" she heard him call the name that was not hers. He was following her, she could tell by the shouts and surprised expressions that turned from the others in line as she rushed pass them._

_Kate just hugged the book close and ran, darting out the store and diving into the crush of pedestrians, hiding herself. When she finally looked back, she found him standing at the store entrance, his eyes desperate, searching for her in the throng of people. His voice could be heard, shouting "Jane" over the din of honking horns, bus signals, and people jabbering away._

_She ignored him, quickly got onto the bus and paid her fee before finding a solitary seat in the back, ignoring the looks people gave her as she cried softly. Pulling up her hood, she shielded her face from the gawkers and leaned her head against the dirty window. She risked one last glance towards the store, seeing the black-haired publicist come out and grab his arm, shouting at him. Alexander—no, Castle, Richard frinkin' Castle—turned back on his publicist and exploded in a burst of anger._

_She looked away. She couldn't watch it anymore. Kate sunk back into her seat and suddenly realized that she hadn't paid for the book. Staring at it in her hands, she turned it over and saw his picture on the back cover. How had she missed that? A small sad smile formed on her lips as she looked at him, seeing the quirk of his lips as he smirked at the camera, his dark blue eyes sparkling._

_It was her Alexander, it was… but it wasn't. It was Richard Castle. And… and he'd lied to her, taken her to bed—did amazing things to her, yes, but still… Kate shivered and hugged herself. She felt sick, like she had been used, violated. And to think, she had been so close to giving him everything._

_When she got back to her apartment, she immediately packed anything she cared about into a big duffle bag, told her roommates she was leaving, and didn't know when she'd be back. And then she was off, riding on the bus again, heading to the airport. She'd book any flight she could find, and go visit with her grandparents in Florida. She… she just had to get away from the city. Away from him._

_Closing her eyes, she fought off the pain and hurt… the betrayal. Her heart felt shattered and broken. No way she'd recover from this, being used by some wealthy playboy for some side entertainment. She'd thrown up several times before packing, and she still felt sick to her stomach. The pain just hurt all over._

_And what hurt most of all was that the day had started off so good, and now… now it was in shambles._


	5. Chapter 5

Alright… she hated him. Well, maybe  _hate_  was too strong a word, but she certainly did not look pleased.

Castle cautiously cast a glance in her direction, watching her like a boiling pot of water. He could literally see it, brimming on the surface. Prickles, here and there, of that previous hostility returning. She shot him a dangerous glare, and God help him, he actually averted his eyes, like he was ashamed, sorry for doing this to her. But that couldn't be further from the truth. There was no way in hell he was going to give this up. He'd called in a favor from the mayor… the mayor for God's sake! He could not back out of this now.

"Understand, Detective?" Captain Montgomery asked.

"Yes, sir," she grudgingly grumbled, casting another heated glare over at Castle. "Has he signed the waivers yet?"

"Just finished," Montgomery said, nodding towards the stack of legal papers on his desk.

"Good," her lips quirked up, and her eyes danced with some sort of mischief. "Then, can I shoot him now, and get it over with?"

"Beckett," Montgomery reprimanded with a shake of his head.

She heaved in a frustratingly long sigh and gave a curt nod. "I know… sorry, sir, but really? Why me?" Beckett was looking at him again, with those calculating green eyes, judging him, as if searching for his weakness. He thought it was obvious. His weakness was her.

Montgomery cleared his throat and she turned her gaze away from Castle and back towards her captain. "Apparently, you've become an inspiration to Mr. Castle here. He's going to be basing his newest character on you," the Captain explained, glancing over at Castle for confirmation. Castle quickly nodded in the affirmative, too scared to speak.

"I… what?" her eyebrows came together and the most adorable expression—a combination of delight and offense—flashed across her face. Oh, and just the slightest hints of a blush warmed her cheeks. No doubt over the flattery of being called an inspiration. He wondered if she knew the whole truth of that. In a way, she'd already inspired more than just another character… but she had been different back then. She hadn't been a badass detective in killer heels with a sexy swagger about her.

Castle wasn't a fool. He knew that the fictional woman he'd created, Nikki Heat, was not Beckett. Sure, there were elements he'd borrowed, but not enough to make it obvious who the inspiration of Nikki was, well, at least to those who did not know her well. For a moment, he wondered how she'd react when she learned what he'd named her fictional persona.

"Mr. Castle?"

"Huh?" he blinked and flushed slightly, realizing he must have lost himself in his thoughts.

He looked back and forth between the captain and Beckett before turning his attention to her.

"Oh… um… yeah. I need to do a bit of research. You know, make it authentic. It's just until I get my creative juices flowing again, Detective," Castle lied through his teeth, finally being able to speak. If there was one thing he was certain of, no matter how long it took, he was going to stick around and win back the small bit of Detective Kate Beckett that was his Jane. He just had to! Those few weeks with her had been some of the best—if not  _the_  best—in his life.

Who was he kidding? They had been the best.

She let out a long reluctant sigh. "All right," Beckett said slowly, her voice low and hesitant. She eyed him up again, and he suddenly felt like she was already planning on how she'd shoot him and get away with it. "Fine…," she grumbled, turning to him and hooking her head, indicating for him to follow.

Castle inclined his head to Montgomery, and then rushed out of the captain's office, taking the opportunity to admire the way Beckett's hips swayed as she walked towards her desk. God… those pants… those pants hugged her ass just right.

"So what is this like? Just a ride along… or are you going to be shadowing me all the time?" Beckett asked, sounding annoyed with having to put up with him. It was such a big change from how she'd acted after they had solved the Tisdale case.

She turned around, noticed his eyes and gave him a fierce glare, her arms folded under her breasts. He made the mistake of looking at those as well… his mind recalling images of what they looked like without any hindrance and resting perfectly in his palms.

"Castle!" she snapped her fingers in front of his face, a warning edge to her voice. "Eyes are up here!"

"Uh… sorry," he had the decency to blush a little in embarrassment as he turned his gaze up to meet her eyes. "Um… all the time?" he repeated with a smirk and soft chuckle.

Though having been momentarily distracted by the perfection that was Kate Beckett, he had still heard every single word she had said.

"Exactly, what is 'all the time' in your book, Detective?" Castle added a wiggle to his eyebrows, trying some of that famous charm of his that had worked with so many others. He didn't know why he bothered. It was a futile gesture with her. She was immune to his charm. But she had loved him… at least, he had thought she had loved him. He had loved her—still did, actually.

She scoffed and rolled her eyes. "At work, Castle," she answered as if it was obvious, sitting down in her chair. "Don't get any ideas, okay? You're not following me back home. Not this time. My private life is just that…  _private_! I don't need you sticking your nose into it." And then she added under her breath, almost bitterly, "You've already done enough damage there."

Castle swallowed hard, and wondered if she knew she had said that last part out loud. By the way she squinted slightly as she went about the task of doing her paperwork, and the slight flush manifesting along her neck and lower jaw, he figured she did, and was regretting saying it out loud. He decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, pretending he hadn't heard it.

"But it's a very handsome nose," he injected some humor, wiggling his eyebrows. "Ruggedly handsome, if I say so myself."

"That may be, Castle," Beckett replied, glancing up at him with softer eyes. "But still… my private life… I want that private. Okay? It's not going into your book."

"Deal," he said, frowning for a moment as he noticed that she had agreed with his assertion of being ruggedly handsome. He awarded himself a small triumphant smile. "Besides, I think I've shown that I can be quite helpful with solving a case… and not just on building theory."

"You got lucky, Castle," Beckett said, a small smirk on her lips and a twinkle in her eye. "Don't let it get to your head."

He feigned a pout, inwardly pleased to see the tug on her lips as she bantered with him. At least she was talking. It was a start.

Beckett turned back to her work, and he looked around, spotting an empty chair. He went over to it and brought it back with him, placing it alongside her desk. Plopping down, he shifted and smiled, finding the chair oddly comfortable. Placing his arm on the side of her desk, he gazed over at her. His breath slowed and he milked in the sight of her, so gorgeous and beautiful. He wondered if she knew the effect she had always had on him. He sighed, remembering happier times.

"Castle?"

He blinked, startled.

"Yeah?"

"You're staring."

"So."

"Yeah… well, it's creepy, okay," Beckett huffed, narrowing her eyes at him.

"Sorry, I didn't know it was bothering you," he said, averting his eyes.

"It's distracting," she said, and paused to take a breath before continuing. He noticed that she appeared a little flushed, her cheeks just a slight more pink that normal. "Look, Castle… you don't need to be here right now. I'm just doing paperwork. Not much for you to do 'research' on now."

"Are you sending me home?" he questioned, giving her a confused look.

"Look, I get it, you got a thrill out of helping with the Tisdale case," Beckett said. "And that's what you want, to get that thrill again. And lucky for you, you got the money and connections to get it. But I don't need you here 24/7 sticking your business up in all my cases, not to mention my life." She paused in her little tirade (that's the best word he could think of to fit it) and leaned back, letting out a frustrated breath. "Just go home, Castle, okay?"

Castle sighed. He wanted to stay, to begin integrating himself in her life again, but he was smart enough to know that he shouldn't push his luck. At least she had allowed him to become her shadow, not to mention she was actually speaking to him, even if in a clipped and annoyed manner.

"All right," he relented, bobbing his head. "But, call me if there's a case."

"Okay," Beckett nodded, a little too briskly and turned to go back to her paperwork.

"Promise?" he put in, catching her.

She frowned and looked over at him and he could have sworn that there was a slight tug on her lips as she nodded, her eyes soft and voice warm. "Promise."

Castle allowed himself to smile at that small victory as he stood and bid her adieu. As he strolled out the precinct, he couldn't help but feel buoyed by the fact that Beckett had returned his farewell with a nod and small smile. Hope surged through him as he stepped into the elevator. Perhaps things were recoverable. Perhaps he hadn't screwed things up by intruding back into her life, albeit just her work life. He'd find a way to weasel (why the hell was he still using that word?) his way into the other side of her life, but now… just for now, he'll take what he could get.

XXX

_A knock came from the door._

" _Katie dear, are you alright in there?"_

" _I'm fine," Kate lied, hoping that her grandmother would leave her be._

" _Are you sure, dear, you've been in there for a while," her grandmother called out from the other side of the door._

_Kate knew she was concerned; both her grandparents had when she showed up on their front door in the dead of night with red-rimmed eyes and fresh tears still streaking down her face. All she'd told them was that she had broken up with her boyfriend, not the circumstances of it. She already felt humiliated enough without having to recount the entire thing to her grandparents and reveal to them that she had been Richard Castle's sex toy for the past month._

" _I'm fine, Nana," Kate continued to lie, hoping the use of the nickname she'd always called her grandmother would cover up her anguish and distress. "Really… just… just give me a few more minutes."_

_She heard a deep sigh on the other side of the door. "Alright, Katie," came her grandmother's voice. "Dinner will be ready in twenty minutes."_

" _Okay," Kate said, swallowing and turning her eyes away from the locked door and to the three items resting on the bathroom counter. She heard her grandmother shuffle away, and she let out a sigh, slumping her shoulders and resting her head in her hands._

_Steeling herself, she glanced back up at the three items. They sat there, taunting her with their information. She scowled at them and dropped back onto the toilet seat, frustrated and confused. Always confused._

_What was she going to do?_

_The flight down from New York had been difficult. The flight attendants had been kind to her, recognizing that she was in emotional pain, and hadn't pestered her. The other passengers, however, stared, and she hated it when people stared at her. It was like they could see the mark on her that she had… that she had let herself be deceived and used._

_And for the life of her, Kate did not know why she had brought the unpaid book with her. She should have thrown it away, tossed it in the trash. But she couldn't. Ever since fleeing from the bookstore she had clutched onto it like it was a life preserver, tethering her to the world. Not to mention that portion of it she'd already read while waiting in line at the bookstore was good… damn good._

_Kate had always been a fan of Richard Castle's work, partly because of her mother, who had first picked up one of his books and read it, then recommended it to her. Kate had then found solace in his books during some of her more lucid times while grieving for her mother. In his books, the good guys always won. It was a nice fantasy that she liked to lose herself in._

_She admitted to herself that keeping his book was far more than just that it was a good story. It was him. A part of him that she'd always have. Sighing as she glanced back up at the counter, Kate recognized now that it was not the only thing she'd have of him. That is… if she decided to keep it._

_Closing her eyes and pushing her hair back from her face, Kate put her hands on her thighs and pushed herself up. She stepped hesitantly over to the counter and stared down at the three items. Only one was really required, but she wanted to make sure. Each stick indicated a positive. She sighed and looked up towards the ceiling, thinking. These things weren't 100% accurate, so she'd still need to go in and see a doctor to confirm it, but deep down, in her gut, she knew it was true._

_She was pregnant… and it was his._


	6. Chapter 6

" _She stood there in stunned disbelief as the light in his eyes dimmed_ ," he read from his work. " _He reached out for her, and she took his hand, squeezing it for the very last time. She felt his heart stop a beat. And in that moment, she knew he was gone. Darkness fell across the face of the city. And across her face as well. Good, she thought, as the wind gathered up her hair. No one…_ " his words trailed off as he caught sight of her.

Beckett was slowly slipping her jacket off her shoulders to reveal long slender legs that went up forever and a mischievous glint in her eyes as she watched him. She was wearing this hot little pink number that simply showed off all her attributes, making him forget where he was and what he was doing.

He stammered for a moment, stunned and amazed. And then, somehow, he managed to finish the reading, " _will see my tears_."

Everyone began to clap, but he had eyes for Beckett alone. She smirked a bit and returned his gaze, looking right back at him with a pleased expression as she joined the rest of the audience in applauding.

After thanking the crowd, and doing some signings, he made his way through the crush of people to find her. She was talking with some guy and, for just a moment, that jealous side of him reared its head, but he stifled it down and went with nonchalant.

"Detective Beckett," he said, watching as she turned around to see him, the hints of a smile on her lips. "To what do I owe this very unexpected pleasure?"

"Uh," she quickly turned back to the guy she had been talking with. "Excuse me, thank you." The guy nodded and walked away. Castle's eyes followed him for a moment before he turned his focus back on Beckett.

"I just figured that if you're going to bother me at my work, I should bother you at yours," she said, smirking a bit in amusement. "That was… um… quiet a reading. Very, uh, moving."

"Are… are you making fun of me?" he asked, returning the smirk.

" _Good, she thought, as the wind gathered up her hair, no one will see my tears_ ," she mimicked him, making it very dramatic. He found it oddly arousing that she had actually memorized the lines enough to be able to make fun of him. When she was finished, she laughed slightly and crossed her arms. "How does wind gather up hair? I'm just curious."

"Oh, I get it…  _you're_  telling  _me_ ," he put his hand on his chest, "how to do  _my_  job."

"Irritating, isn't it?" she asked, and he could tell she was being playful, not angry or resentful or bitter. Oh… he liked this side of Detective Beckett, it reminded him so much of Jane.

That's when he heard his mother approaching and soon he felt her grabbing his arm, pulling at him. Beckett stepped back, having slowly inched closer to him during their talk. His mother looked at Beckett and made this "OH!" sound.

"Look at you!" Martha said, smiling as she appraised the brunette she found her son with.

Alexis came up on his other side and he chuckled, slipping an arm around her as his mother began talking.

"Denise, from  _The Ledger_ , says you're going to be number one this week," Martha told him, including Beckett in the conversation. "And look, everyone is buying your book!"

Castle looked up at Beckett and saw her smiling, and he thought it looked a little like pride, he wasn't sure.

"Now, don't you feel silly," Martha continued, patting his shoulder, "for believing all those reviews?"

He exchanged a look with Alexis, who smiled in amusement. "Yes. Yes, I do," Castle replied with a deadpan expression, turning back to his mother.

"Well, let's just hope  _Nikki Heat_  does as well," Martha said, letting it slip.

Beckett's shoulders immediately tensed and she turned to Martha. " _Nikki Heat_?"

Martha nodded. "The character he's basing on you," she supplied.

Beckett's mouth dropped and she turned to him, looking annoyed. "Nikki…  _Heat_?" she questioned, her eyes narrowing into that most famous of glares that only she possessed and seemed to be solely for him.

"Uh-oh," he heard his mother mumbled beside him.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" Beckett asked, stepping forward.

"Of course," Castle said, disengaging from his mother and daughter to follow Beckett as she walked off.

He let go of Alexis's hand, but not before receiving a quick squeeze of encouragement. His daughter made a move to follow them, but he heard his mother step in and stopped her. As he stepped away, he could have sworn that he heard Alexis say something like, "I wanna hear" but he was unsure as his focus was on a certain detective while he prepared to defend his choice in names for the character he was basing off her.

Coming up behind her, Castle put on his best innocent face, trying to act nonchalant, like it wasn't a big deal. Secretly, though, he was nervous and anxious about her reaction. He didn't want to mess everything up. They had been doing so well, and he'd helped her out on three cases so far, each a success, in his opinion.

"Yes?" he asked as he walked around her to face a very stern Detective Beckett.

"What kind of a name is Nikki Heat?"

"A cop name," he immediately supplied, pursing his lips as he awaited her response.

"It's a stripper name," she frowned, looking annoyed.

"Well, I told you, she was kind of slutty," he interjected, hoping to lighten the mood. It didn't work.

"Change it, Castle," she said—no, commanded—as she set upon him with her glare.

"Wait. Hang on a second," he held up his hands, almost defensively. "Think of the titles…" She crossed her arms and waited for him to supply them. " _Summer Heat_ ,  _Heat Wave_ ," he smirked, and twitched an eyebrow in amusement at his next thought. " _In Heat_."

"Change the name," she said.

"No."

"Yes."

"Change it!"

Castle backed up and reached over towards a cardboard cutout standee of himself, using it as a sort of protective shield as she advanced on him.

"No."

"Castle!"

"Sorry."

"I'm not speaking…"

"I have artistic integrity, Beckett," he protested as he spun around as she continued to come at him.

" _Artistic integrity_?" she echoed, raising her eyebrows in amusement, before continuing her advance on him. "Change the name, Castle… TODAY!"

They went on like that for a while, ignoring the bemused looks of the bookstore customers as they weaved through the store, him holding up the cardboard cutout of himself, and her following him, looking irritated and fuming. Eventually, she settled down, but by then, she had him cornered. He wondered briefly how he had let himself get backed up and caught, in the romance section… no less.

Beckett smirked, looking pleased with herself as she reached out and grabbed the cutout and pulled it away. With something akin to tenderness, she placed the standee off to the side, and then turned on him, her eyes completely serious. It stunned him to silence, and he listened to what she had to say, knowing that it would be important.

"Is… is that how you see me?" she asked, stammering a bit as she got her words out. When all he did was look at her with a confused expression, she elaborated. "Do you really think I'm slutty?"

"What? No… why?" he asked, completely baffled as to why she would think that.

She bit her lower lip and frowned. "Well, you said I was the inspiration for Nikki Heat," she explained. "So… I was just wondering…"

"God, no," Castle said, shaking his head, stunned with how serious the conversation had gotten. "Nikki Heat may be somewhat based on you, but only somewhat. The rest… the rest is all just fiction."

Beckett took a deep breath and crossed her arms. "Okay... then what exactly is it that makes her… er… slutty?"

"Well, she has an open friend-with-benefits deal going with her sparring partner," he said, trying to think of what else he'd put in there. "That's just meaningless physical sex to her, something to ease the pain of being alone."

"Do you really think I'd do that?" she asked, cutting in.

"What? No… Beckett, I told you,  _fiction_ ," he emphasized the last word, hoping she'd understand that he didn't think that  _she_  was Nikki Heat. "Look, what's this really about?"

Beckett stammered for a moment. Her jaw clenched, and her eyes looked around for a moment as she thought. Seeming to find whatever it was she was searching for, she sighed and looked back up at him.

When their eyes met, he had a sinking feeling that she was about to drop a bombshell. Maybe she was going to finally tell him about the mystery man that she kept whispering "I love you" to on the phone when she thought he wasn't listening. But before she could open her mouth, they were interrupted by an older man and what appeared to be his grandson.

The young boy, who looked to be around eight, with unruly brown hair, came running around the corner, and nearly collided with Beckett. Castle watched as her expression changed from steely determination to one of complete mortification.

The boy latched onto her leg and frowned as he gazed up at her, and then he turned back to the older man. "See, Grandpa, I told you I saw her!" he said.

The older man glanced up at Beckett and Castle with an apologetic smile. "That you did, Alex," he said, and then he looked towards Beckett. "Sorry."

Castle was confused. He watched as Beckett took a quick breath and crouched down beside the young boy. "Alex," she said, ignoring Castle and focusing completely on the boy, who looked up at her with wide blue eyes. "What did I tell you about running in stores?"

The boy stuck out his lower lip and pouted… there was something about that expression that had Castle left dumbstruck. "Not to," he let out. "I'm sorry, Mommy, but I thought I saw you. But Grandpa said it wasn't you and that we should just go to the children's section and get the book I wanted, but then I spotted you again and I just had to prove to him that I was right." He turned and looked up at his grandpa. "I was right!"

"Yes," the older man said, his eyes flicking up from his grandson to Beckett and then to Castle. "Yes you were."

Beckett seemed to realize then that he was still there. She sighed and squeezed the boy's shoulders, before standing back up and turning to Castle.

"Richard Castle," she said, looking torn. "This is my son, Alexander."

XXX

" _I don't like this," Jim Beckett said, looking over at her as she cradled the newborn in her arms. "You… you should have told him. At the very least, he should be here, for God's sake!"_

" _Why?" Kate asked, frowning. "It's not like he'd really care."_

_She watched her father take a long dejected sigh. This conversation was one she didn't want to have, but she'd handle it. At least she finally had her dad back in her life. He had been pissed as hell when she first told him that she was pregnant. He had wanted to know the name of the guy who had knocked her up so he could throttle the son-of-a-bitch, but Kate had refused to tell him._

_However, what she had asked from Jim Beckett, he had given._

_During the nine months of her pregnancy, her father had sobered up. The news that he was going to be a grandparent, and that his only daughter was going to be a single mother, had been the trigger he needed to get himself out of the bottle. And now… now she wasn't quite on her own. She'd moved back home and her father had taken care of her as she finished her remaining classes. Thanks to some understanding from her professors, she would manage to graduate in the spring with the rest of her class._

" _Well, if he doesn't care about being a father, you could at least get some child support out of him," Jim supplied, looking hopeful that she'd reconsider her refusal to contact the father of her child._

" _I don't want his money," Kate snapped, and then took a breath to calm herself, not wanting to wake the sleeping babe in her arms._

_If she accepted his money, then it would be like accepting the fact that she was nothing but a toy to him, something akin to a working girl that he'd accidentally knocked up. At least, that's how she thought he'd see it. And she didn't want to ruin the happy memories that she had of him (some of which were already tainted by the fact that he was not who he claimed to be). Besides her name, she had been completely honest with him about herself._

_Still, she bit her lower lip, not wanting to tell her father how she had actually been debating on whether or not to tell Alexander—no, Castle—to tell Richard Castle that she had gotten pregnant and that she was keeping the baby. Kate knew that he had a right to know, that it was wrong of her to keep it from him, but the pain over what she perceived as a phony relationship that only had been a means to an end for him was still too close for her to deal with. Kate didn't know if she'd ever truly get over it, since she had fallen in love with him. And the kind of love she had fallen into wasn't the sort you could easily escape… if ever._

" _Then what do you want?" Jim asked, sighing and taking a seat on the plastic blue chair besides her hospital bed._

_Kate frowned in confusion, thinking it was obvious. She was holding what she wanted. This baby… this small living being that was half-her and half-Castle was what she wanted. It hadn't really been that hard to decide, really. Her grandmother had helped, by talking to her and being understanding. They had to keep it from her grandfather, who had had the same reaction as her father. Though her Grandpa had wanted to go at the guy with a shotgun._

" _No two-timing punk knocks my granddaughter up and then cuts and runs," he had said._

_She had been forced to tell her grandfather that she had been the one to run, not Castle—though she never called him that. All she told her family was that the father's name was Alexander. The only one she had told the full truth to was her father. Jim Beckett had tried to take it in stride, but she knew that he had thought the same thing she had… that she had been used by some rich playboy for some side entertainment. But no matter how much she felt about it, Kate would not let it rule her life. She was over it… over him. It was a lie, and she knew it, but she ignored it._

" _So?" her dad asked, pulling her out of her thoughts. "What are you going to name him?"_

" _Alexander," she said, looking down and smiling at the sleeping babe in her arms. He had brown hair and big blue eyes. He looked so much like Castle that she felt_ _her heart clench at the memories. She'd heard once that children often looked like their fathers when they were newborn. Her anthropology professor had said it was nature's way of making sure that the father didn't abandon the children. "Alexander James."_

" _James?" Jim Beckett smiled._

" _Yes," she smiled. "Alexander James… Beckett."_

_He nodded, understanding. Kate knew that her father didn't know the full extent of what had happened between her and Richard Castle, but he knew enough to understand why she would name the child after the man who had fathered him (well, at least the name that he had given to her). Kate also noticed how touched he was that she'd given her son his name as well._

_Adjusting little Alexander in her arms, she freed one hand and reached out towards her father. Jim Beckett took her hand and squeezed it. He stood up and stepped forward._

" _I'm here, Katie… for whatever you… and Alexander will need," he said._

" _Thanks, Daddy," she smiled meekly then yawned, feeling tired. "Can… can you?"_

" _Sure," her father took Alexander from her and smiled as his grandson shifted slightly, mimicking his mother's yawn. "He's beautiful, Katie."_

_Kate smiled sleepily. "Thank you, Dad… for being here. And… and for being so understanding."_

_Jim Beckett turned to her with serious eyes. "I wouldn't miss this for the world." He then leaned over and kissed her forehead like he used to when she was little. It made her smile even more. "Now, get some sleep, Katie… I'll look after little Alexander."_


	7. Chapter 7

"Alexander?" he choked out, caught off guard by the name, and rightly unable to believe his ears.

"That's me!" chirped the young boy, completely unaware of the strange look that Castle was now giving his mother.

He shook his head, clearing his thoughts on the potential implications, and knelt down to the boy's level. His eyes naturally roamed over Alexander's features, and he couldn't help but notice the little nuances that were so very telling of the boy's parentage. He stuck out his hand and the boy looked cautiously up at Beckett, who nodded. Alexander then grabbed a hold of Castle's hand with a firm grip, and shook it.

"Richard Castle," he introduced himself.

"Alexander James Beckett, but you can call me Alex," the boy said, grinning widely as he introduced himself. "Pleased to meet you, Mr. Castle." He paused and looked between his mother and Castle. "Are you that author guy that my mom loves?"

" _Loves_?" Castle put a bemused smile on his face and glanced up at Beckett, who scoffed and rolled her eyes, though he did notice how a slight blush began to take root, even if she attempted to stifle it. "Yeah, I guess I am."

"Cool!" Alex enthused. "Mom's always got her nose buried in one of your books. She has this whole shelf dedicated to them, and all of them are autographed… she gets them on eBay because she's too busy at work to stand in line."

Castle smirked and glanced up at Beckett to see her eyes slowly growing wide with embarrassment as Alex continued on.

"Oh… and she spends way too much time on this website chatting with other fans about your books," Alex said, shaking his head as if he disapproved. "Gosh, she's like always on it. Checks it every morning and every night." He paused for a breath. Castle couldn't help but smile. He was a cute kid. "But mostly, Mom likes to read your books when she's taking her bath—"

"Okay, Alex, that's enough," Beckett jumped in, her face turning almost beet red. "Dad?" she turned back to the older man.

Castle looked up and then it hit him. This was Beckett's father. The man who—thanks to his encouragement—she'd started to talk to again. He couldn't help but smile with some pride at seeing how close the two appeared to be now.

Mr. Beckett nodded and held out his hand towards his grandson. "Come on, Alex," he said. "Let's go find that book and leave your mother and Mr. Castle alone… to talk," he suggested.

Alex seemed to mull over this for a moment before relenting with a nod. "Okay," he turned back to Castle. "It was nice to meet you, Mr. Castle."

"Same here, Alex," Castle replied with a smile and waved farewell as Mr. Beckett took Alex's hand and led him away. Castle sighed and turned his attention back to Beckett, who was standing there with an anxious look on her face. "He's a cute kid."

She smiled meekly. "Thanks," Beckett breathed out, then added, "He takes after his father." She laughed nervously.

"So… you're what? Married? Divorced? Separated?" he asked, feeling his heart clench in his chest as he agonized over what her answer might be.

Though, if he was honest, there was a big part of him that believed he already knew the answer… not just to her relationship status, but also to Alex Beckett. However, he had been crushed so many times in the past, that he decided to not let his imagination get away with him and imagine things that were not there. Perhaps his overactive imagination had just supplied familial features to the boy in futile hope. He sighed, and cleared his head of such thoughts. If she had had his son… she would have called, would have told him, wouldn't she?

"Married… no," she shook her head. "We… we never really got that far."

"Sorry," he said, not knowing why he was apologizing. A bemused smile took over his face and his eyes sparkled as he looked back up at her. "Alexander, huh?"

Beckett took a deep breath and nodded.

"Nice name," he said, smiling, hoping it didn't look too happy.

"Yes," she nodded, noncommittally.

"Did… did you…?" he began.

"Name him after you?" she finished, giving him a look that said,  _Seriously? You're that full of yourself?_

He nodded, not at the 'full of yourself' but at asking whether or not she had named her son after him.

She looked at him for a moment, and brought her hands up to run through her hair. He watched as she took a shaky breath. Clearly she was debating telling him. He waited with baited breath, pursing his lips, hardly believing that they were having this conversation… here and now.

After what seemed like an eternity (he was being overly dramatic), Beckett seemed to have finally decided on what to say. She took another breath and looked up at him, her eyebrows knitting together in determination.

"I named him after his father," Beckett volunteered, her eyes skirting around wildly, like she was debating the instinctually desire of flight or fight.

"His father's name was Alexander, too?" Castle asked, his breath hitching up as he tried to block out images of Beckett with another man. He knew it was ridiculous to think she hadn't had any other relationships after him… he'd had some after her, yet he had never let it get any further than just the physical, as his heart had always belonged to Jane… even when he had married Gina, Jane had still held his heart. He had had feelings for those he had been with, yes… but never the same feelings that he had had with Jane… with Kate.

Beckett frowned, and bit her lower lip. "Well, not exactly…," she said, not shrinking from his gaze. "At the time, I had thought it was, but no… it wasn't. That was just the name I knew him as."

"Oh," his heart thumped profoundly as his thoughts once again became hopeful. His mind recalled the young boy's features, blue eyes and brown hair. And then his age. Castle let out a wishful breath as he quickly did the calculations in his head. His hopes surged again. He couldn't help it.

"He's yours, Castle," Beckett said, ending the mystery, even though it had already become clear to him when she had started speaking of the boy's father, not to mention Alex was clearly a Castle… after all, he had too many of his facial features not to be. "When… when… when we broke up—"

"We didn't break up," he snarled, suddenly angry, remembering it all. "You ran."

"Yeah, well, you lied about who you were!" she snapped back.

His cheeks flushed with… with… God, he didn't know what to call it, but whatever playfulness they had had previously was gone. His chest was heaving with injustice and fury. "You should have told me… damn it! You should have told me," he seethed quietly. "I had a right to know."

Beckett took a step back, her own face flushed. "I know," she averted her eyes, looking ashamed. "And I'm sorry. But you… you have to understand, I was angry back then. I… I…"

"You what?"

She breathed through her nose and tilted her head, forcing herself to return his gaze. "I thought that you were just using me for a good time. I mean, why else would Richard Castle use a fake name with me?"

"It wasn't really a fake name," he objected, trying to control his own anger.

"I know… birth name Richard Alexander Rodgers, but come on, Castle… how was I suppose to know?" she asked. "Back then your picture was hardly plastered all over  _Page Six_  all the time." She let her voice fall off, seeing how hurt his face looked.

Sighing, he rubbed the back of his neck, ignoring that comment about  _Page Six,_  and looked her in the eyes. "Does… does he know?" he asked, gesturing in the direction Mr. Beckett and Alex had gone.

She followed his gaze and shook her head. "No, I… I haven't told him," she answered.

"And your dad?" Castle questioned, feeling the heat leave his face. He was suddenly feeling very humiliated.

Beckett nodded in confirmation. "He knows."

Castle took a deep breath and raked his fingers through his hair, thinking. "This…," he jabbed the air. "This is why you were so pissed at me, wasn't it?"

She averted her eyes and shifted on her feet, nodding. "Yes. I blamed you for… for it… for everything. I know now how irrational and stupid I was. I know it now. I was young, Castle… so young… and I really didn't understand, not truly. I needed time to grow up, to mature. But Castle… you have to know… I don't regret it. Any of it. I love Alexander. He… he is everything to me."

He watched as a smile of pride spread crossed her face. It was a beautiful sight to behold. He could not help but smile as well. He recognized that smile. It was one he'd had many times when he had taken parental pride in Alexis.

"He's good at school, excels really," she said. "He's very good at reading and writing for his age." Beckett looked at him. "Something I think he gets from you."

"Beckett… Kate…," he began, not knowing what he was going to say.

She held up a hand, asking him to wait. He swallowed and nodded.

"If… if it wasn't for Alexander, I would never have gotten my life back on track…, I wouldn't be where I am now," Beckett said, averting her eyes for a moment. "Him… and you."

"Me?"

"Yes," she nodded, looking a little hesitant. She took a deep breath and forced herself to continue. "That month we were together… I won't lie, Castle… it was the happiest I have ever been since my mother died. Being with you… it… it helped me sort myself out. And… and you gave me Alexander." She smiled. It was that smile again, one of a proud and happy parent. "Thanks to you, I have my little man. And he's wonderful, Castle. Truly wonderful."

She paused, seemingly finished. He looked up to her to ask if it was okay if he spoke now. She gave a nod.

"I'm sorry," he said, not knowing why he was apologizing. In his mind, what he had done was not as severe or selfish as what she had done. While he had used his birth name, she had used some random name, and judging from her age at the time, and the location of their first meeting, it had just been the name she had used to get into that club.

Castle closed his eyes and rubbed them with the heels of his hands. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he summoned up all his will power to not be anger, to not blow up. Despite everything, he loved her, he truly did. Opening his eyes, he looked back at Beckett, really looked at her, letting her see the true him… the real him, the version of him she had known as Alexander. Her breath seemed to catch at the sight.

"Let me explain, okay?"

She nodded, "Okay." Her voice was small and weak. God, how he hated that. He wanted her to be herself, to be strong.

Swallowing past the lump in his throat, Castle forced himself to say what he wanted to say, what he needed to say. "I used my middle name because I… I didn't want to meet some crazy fan," he said. "I wanted someone who would… would like me for me, not because of the fame associated with me. I didn't need an obsessed stalker back then… I wanted someone real. I wanted you." He paused and took a deep breath. "Everything that happened between us," he gestured between them, "was real. I only ever kept my true name and profession from you."

He watched as she nodded and absorbed what he said. Beckett's face was difficult to read, and Castle didn't know if he had truly gotten through to her.

"I… I had just gotten out of a terrible marriage with Meredith…," he continued, seeming to believe he needed to say more to get through her thick skull. Sometimes, she was frustratingly dense when it came to true emotions, at least from his current experience with the Detective Kate Beckett. "Alexis was the only positive thing to come from that whole fiasco. And after all of that… I then met you, and I was terrified… truly terrified that if you knew who I really was, you'd assume I was just there to pick up some one-night-stand."

He paused and looked at her seriously. "Despite what you may think, Kate," he said, using her first name. "I do not do one night stands. When I'm with someone, it's because I want to be there for more than just a fling… a tussle in the sheets, do you understand?"

Castle noticed the small smile that tugged on her lips as she looked at him, nodding. He took that as a sign of hope that whatever illogical excuses she had given herself in the past were floating away from her subconscious, and that the real truth of the month, so long ago, was finally seeping in.

"I never forgot about you, Kate, never," he continued. "I spent nearly four years looking for you." Beckett looked genuinely surprised by that bit of news, even a little touched. "All I had was the name Jane, and the fact you went to NYU. But when I checked, all the Janes there… well, they weren't you."

"Four years?"

He nodded. "I only married Gina because I wanted to give Alexis a mother…," he sighed. "Biggest mistake I ever made."

Beckett crossed her arms and looked at him cautiously. "What about all those women on _Page Six_?"

"That… that's all fake. For publicity," he said, giving her a bemused expression. "As a trained detective… one of the city's best, I might add… I thought you would have deduced that. After all, you are one of the few people who knows the real me."

"I… what?" she stammered, blinking in confusion.

Castle nodded. "There have only been brief instances in my life when I got to be the real me, not the persona of Richard Castle," he explained. "And one of the happiest times I ever had, simply being me, was that month with you, Kate." He paused and swallowed. "You've finally come clean about Alexander, even if it was forced on you… and I'm still angry about it," she nodded in understanding, "but let me tell you something else about that month together…"

"Castle… you don't," she began to protest as he took a step closer to her, crowding her against the bookshelf. He knew that she was self-conscious, but he didn't care if anyone saw them. He had to tell her.

"I was getting ready to tell you," he asserted, leaning closer. "We were getting serious, Kate. Really serious. I was going to introduce you to Alexis, and tell you the truth… I was even thinking about asking you to move in… hopefully a step towards something more, but I knew it was too soon after getting divorce to jump into that again, but… but with you, everything felt so right. I… I just had to get over the hurdle of telling you who I really was, and then hoping you didn't bolt." He looked away and sighed, finally giving her some breathing room. "Which you did… granted, the circumstances in which you discovered the truth weren't ideal… but your reaction confirmed my worst fears. But still…," he looked back into her eyes, seeing tears forming. "I… I didn't give up hope on finding you again."

He stepped fully back, allowing Beckett to reach up and wipe at her eyes and compose herself. He knew she didn't like her emotions getting the better of her, so he gave her the time she needed. Castle would have loved nothing more than to have done that himself, to have reached up with his hand and tenderly wipe away her tears, and then hold her in his arms, soothing and comforting her, but it was too soon for that. And he wasn't going to push his luck.

Finally, when she was ready, he turned back to her, seeing that her eyes were still watery.

"I…," her voice cracked, and she paused, swallowing hard before continuing. "At the bookstore, when I found out you were Richard Castle… I… I jumped to conclusions… I thought that you were the persona in the papers, and that I… that I was nothing but… but some toy for your entertainment."

Castle shook his head. "Never. You were far more than that, Kate… far more."

Beckett chewed on her lower lip and gazed up at him. "I can't believe I'm going to ask this," she let out a breath and averted her eyes for a moment. When her gaze returned to his, he believed she looked almost hopeful. "You said you searched four years for me?" He nodded. "Do… do you still feel the same way... as you did back then?"

"Yes," he said without hesitation, the word slipping out before he could even think. Seeing her reaction to his affirmation, he felt he needed to say more, even though he was quite obvious how he felt. "My feelings have never changed. Even now, knowing you as you are now, I still feel the same, maybe even a little more than back then."

Castle watched as she took this in, her eyebrows knitting together. She blinked, and a look passed across her face. He recognized it. It was determination, mixed with anxiety and worry. Her lips parted, but before she could form the first word, they were once again interrupted by Alex and Mr. Beckett, who were coming back after making their purchase. Castle watched as Beckett completely transformed in front of his eyes. Whatever she had been gearing up to tell him was forgotten, as all her focus turned to her son…  _their_  son.

He exchanged a look with Jim Beckett and noticed that the man was narrowing his eyes at him. He wondered just how much Mr. Beckett knew of his daughter's history with him. Meanwhile Beckett was smiling down at Alex and fussing with his hair. Castle slipped away while she was distracted, concentrating on her son.

Searching the crowds around his books, he found his mother and daughter. Martha gave him a tentative smile.

"Sorry about that, darling," she apologized. "I hope I didn't make things worse for you and the detective."

"No, it's alright, mother," he said. "We're fine… just… Mother, brace yourself for some news…" Martha narrowed her eyes, looking worried. "Detective Beckett… she… she's Jane."

Martha gaped, stunned, and Alexis smiled knowingly, having been there when Castle and Beckett had reunited during the launch party for  _Storm Falls_. She had seen his reaction, and had heard what he had said when confronted with the detective for the first time. Plus, she was rather clever, and no doubt had already guessed the truth by how he would drop anything at the detective's beck and call.

"Castle?" the sound of her voice startled him.

He turned around, not missing the look that Martha was now giving Beckett as the tall brunette came walking over, one hand firmly grasping her son's. Jim Beckett was behind them, staying at a respectful distance.

"Oh," Alexis suddenly said, stepping forward. "Here's your jacket, Detective."

Beckett smiled and thanked Alexis, before looking up at Castle. They locked eyes and he knew that she was asking him if they should tell the teen. Ever so slightly he shook his head, just enough that only she could tell. Now was not the time. He wanted to sort out whatever it was that  _they_  were before he dragged the rest of his family into the quagmire he had gotten himself in.

"Here, let me help," he offered, taking the jacket from her and holding it up, allowing her to slip her arms into the sleeves. She looked over her shoulder at him and smiled, giving him a brief nod of thanks. The look radiating out of her eyes could kill him, really… it could.

"So… see you Monday?" she asked, looking hopeful as she reached down to take a hold of Alex's hand once again. The young boy was looking at Castle and Alexis with a curious expression. Castle could not help but notice that his eyebrows knitted together in much the same why as Alexis's did when she was that age and was thinking hard. The expression was also mixed with that adorable nose wrinkle Beckett had when she, herself, concentrated.

"Of course," he said, smiling, as he returned his attention to the brunette detective… his Jane… his Kate (well, hopefully soon to be  _his_  Kate).

Beckett returned the smile and his heart soared at the happiness being displayed on her face. The whole hostility over his choice of names for his fictional character seemed to have been forgotten, at least for the moment.

"Then, I'll see you at the precinct," Beckett said, nodding.

He inclined his head in response, slipping an arm over Alexis's shoulder. He noticed that his daughter looked slightly confused as to the change in the detective's attitude. Sighing inwardly, he knew that he was going to get interrogated later by both his mother and daughter. They were hell when they tag-teamed against him.

Beckett looked down. "All right, Alex, let's go," she said. "It's well past someone's bedtime."

"Ah, come on, Mom," the boy grumbled. "It's a Friday… you always let me stay up on Friday."

Beckett shook her head and rolled her eyes, looking like she was suppressing a smile. "Goodnight," she said to them, and then tugged her son along with her as she headed for the bookstore's exit, her father at her side. She paused, and arched her neck over her shoulder. "Oh, and Castle?"

"Yes?" he called back.

"Our little talk about," she narrowed her eyes, " _Nikki Heat_ … we're not done with that."

And with that, she was gone. Castle stood there for a moment with a bemused smile on his lips. It only took a minute for his mother's voice brought him back to the present.

"Did I hear that right?" Martha said, standing slightly in front of him, her mouth partly open. "Did that young boy call her,  _Mom_?"

Castle nodded. "Yes. You heard correctly, Mother." He chuckled. "Don't worry. I won't be committing you anytime soon."

His mother huffed and gave him a slap on the shoulder. He just smiled in return.

"She's married?" Alexis looked up at him, a little sadness in her eyes, as she knew how he felt about the detective, since it was now clear to everyone that Detective Kate Beckett was the mysterious Jane from his past.

"No," he said. "And that man standing behind her, that's her father." He paused and frowned. "I don't know if he likes me."

"Why not?" Martha asked, laughing lightly, still a little shocked over the revelation that Beckett was the mythical Jane from her son's past. Castle knew that she had always assumed he had made her up. "You're very likeable, Richard."

"Well," he half cocked his head. "If I was him, I'd probably not like me, either."

"Why?" this time it was Alexis.

"Because… that little boy… well, I'm his father," he let slip, hearing both Alexis and Martha gasp. He groaned, unable to believe that he had gave away such information so easily. Hopefully Beckett wouldn't kill him for his slip, especially when they had silently communicated to keep it quiet. He took a quick breath and prepared himself for the barrage of questions.

XXX

_Kate let out an exacerbated groan and pulled herself out from under the covers and sat up. Glancing at her clock, she noted that it was only 2 o'clock. She didn't understand. It felt like she had just gotten him to sleep. Sighing, she pushed up off the bed and staggered over to the half opened door._

_Her father had put a nightlight out in the hallway, knowing that she'd be making constant trips to and from her room and the baby's room during the middle of the night. To be honest, she had not expected it. Now she knew better._

_Trudging along, Kate grumbled to herself, silently cursing the man who was the cause of all this. "Damn you, Richard Castle," she voiced her curse once before she reached the door and gently opened it, stopping in shock to find her father already there, in the process of retrieving his screaming grandchild from the crib._

" _Daddy! What are you doing?" she questioned._

_Jim Beckett looked over his shoulder at his tired daughter. "Go back to bed, Katie, I got this," he said._

" _You don't have to do this, Dad," Kate asserted. "I… I can do this."_

" _Katherine Elizabeth Beckett, you listen to me," her father said, giving her a stern look. "You're tired… exhausted. Heaven knows that the past year as been difficult on you. But tomorrow's you're first day… and you need you're rest."_

" _He's my son, I… I can do it, Dad," she said, stepping forward and holding out her arms for Alexander._

_Jim took a step back and rocked his arms, Alex almost immediately quieting. "He just needs to be held, Katie," he said. "Go back to bed, and get some rest."_

" _I know you don't approve of me becoming a cop, Dad… that I shouldn't put myself in danger—"_

" _I've made my peace with it," he said, trying to assure her, but not succeeding._

_She knew that he'd always have doubts and concerns over her career choice. But for her, it seemed the right decision. Being a cop would give her the opportunity to help others… to give others the kind of closure she never got. And maybe… just maybe, she might catch the bastard that killed her mother._

" _Go to bed," he reiterated. "Grandpa's got this."_

_Kate smirked. "You like saying that, don't you?"_

" _Of course," he said, bouncing Alexander. "Besides, Alex and me need to work together."_

" _Oh," she crossed her arms, much like her mother would have, and raised an eyebrow. "You two are going to conspire against me?"_

" _Maybe," her dad replied with a playful quality in his voice she had not heard since her mother's death._

_It was nice hearing it again, and she realized that she probably might never had heard it again if it hadn't been for her month long relationship with Alexander Rodgers—Richard Castle. She sighed and gave a nod. Whatever bitterness she felt about that month, it had had one bright spot… her son._

_Stepping over, she gave her dad a grateful kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, Daddy," she murmured. "I could not have done this without you."_

" _No, thank you, Katie," Jim said, giving her a warm smile. "If it were not for you, I would never have sobered up and I wouldn't be in the position of being able to have a major part in my grandson's life. I know I may not always say it, and sometimes you may doubt it, but I'm proud of you. You could have taken the easy way out when it came to Alexander, but you didn't. You took responsibility, and that's why I'm willing to do this… to be with you and him." He paused and smiled broadly. "We Becketts need to stick together."_

" _Well, all the same, I'm still grateful… for everything," Kate replied, and then leaned down to kiss Alexander on the forehead, running her fingers along his smooth bald head. "I love you… both of you."_

" _We love you too, Kate," Jim said. "Now… be a good girl, and obey your father. Go to bed and get some rest… and be the best damn cop that this city has ever had."_

" _Yes, Daddy," Kate smiled and inclined her head. She gave Alexander another kiss before departing, pausing at the doorway to look back and watch as her father bounced Alexander gently, and softly sang a lullaby. It was almost a complete family. All it was missing was a husband and father._

_Sighing, she slipped away, contemplating the idea that perhaps someday she'd meet a man who could fill those two roles. Kate managed to get to sleep, but her dreams were unsettling, bombarding her with images of Richard Castle holding a bubbling Alexander in one arm and the other arm wrapped around her waist as he murmured sweet nothings into her ear, making promises that she knew the real playboy author never would._


	8. Chapter 8

Things at the bookstore had ended amicably enough, and he was a little stunned at just how much he had confessed to her. But by the following day, it finally sunk in… all of it, what she had said, what she had done… and boy, did it sink in.

Martha had sensed his impending downward spiral and she declared that she was taking Alexis for the day, going to some spa that his mother had gotten free passes to. He was happy for them, they needed some bonding time, and then it hit him… hit him hard.

"That bitch," he grumbled as he stalked over to the cabinet in which he kept the hard stuff. He pushed past the brandy and Jack Daniels and found the bottle of Vodka he'd been saving for a special occasion. He harrumphed.  _Yeah, this is a special occasion_.

He didn't want to feel right now, it was too difficult, too much work to deal with what he felt and thought… and he just wanted to blind it out, the pain, the hurt, the regret… all of it.

Castle was halfway through his third glass when someone knocked on the door. It was soft and tentative, so very telling of whom was on the other side. Grumbling and cursing, he heaved himself up from his slumped position on the couch. As he trudged through the Loft, he paused before a wall length mirror, seeing his reflection. He snorted and let out a grunt, thinking it was probably for the best that his mother had taken Alexis out. He didn't want his little girl seeing him like this… like he had been when Meredith's cheating had finally gotten to him.

Stumbling to the door, he grabbed the handle and turned, yanking the door open. He was not surprised at all with whom he found on the other side. Detective Kate Beckett. She was dressed in sweats and a hoodie, both NYPD supplied. Her brow was moist and her hair slick, tied back in a ponytail. It looked like she had just come from the gym. He looked at her for a long moment, not really knowing what to say or do.

"Can… can I come in?" she broke the silence, her voice cracking a bit with heavy emotion.

He shrugged noncommittally, and stepped back allowing her entrance into his home. As she stepped past him, he turned his head and followed her with his eyes. He regretted this… that her first time seeing his home was under such trying circumstances. Damn it… he should have been a man back then and brought her here long before he had originally planned. They had talked about it, about introducing her to Alexis and his mother, and foolishly they had believed they had time… time enough for her to finish the semester and for everything to get less hectic.

Castle closed the door and bolted the lock. He stood there for a moment, resting his head against the solid wood, breathing slowly as he tried to calm his center. With the alcohol in his system, loosening his restraint, Castle did not entirely trust himself in this situation. But she was here, and there would never be a better time to have this talk. It was inevitable… this talk. It was a predator, stalking him, and he knew it was better to just jump out and meet it head on than try and avoid it.

Sighing, he pushed himself away from the door and found her standing there, still and small, her arms wrapped around her body, hugging herself. She looked so lost and alone in the wide-open free space of his living room. Beckett turned around and looked at him, her eyes large and big, like those of a deer caught in the headlights of an automobile before its inescapable death.

"Castle…"

He waved his hand, silencing her. He stalked across the Loft and sought out his liquid courage. Beckett watched him with unconcealed concern and anxiety while he bent down and retrieved his glass. He took a long swig and let out a deep sigh.

"All right, let's get this over with," he said.

Beckett played with her fingers, her head lowering as she nodded. "Okay…," she looked back up at him, her beautiful eyes filled with moisture. "Go ahead, Castle…," she swallowed hard and held up her head up resolutely. "Say what you need to say."

He snapped, no better word for it. "He's my son!" It was a roar, a deafening roar the likes he could never remembering having. " _My_  son, God dammit!" His chest clenched and heaved at once. "Oh God! You… you kept him from me! A son! My… my son!"

The glass was out of his hand before he could think, shattering against the wall behind her. She jerked, but held firm, taking his verbal assault. He raged at her, calling her all manner of foul words and she took it… God forgive him, he said so many things he regretted the moment they had left his lips, but his inhibitions were gone, thanks to the liquor in his system.

He paced before her, seething with all the unbridled anger that was his right. The stolen time was the hardest to deal with. So much time wasted in foolish and silly notions by a woman who only thought of her own wants and needs. Castle halted his pacing and spun on her, pointing a shaky finger at her, like he was accusing her of heinous crimes.

"You denied my daughter, my precious little girl, the right to a life with a sibling… something she has always wanted," he railed.

All she did was stand there, meekly nodding to every single thing he said. The moisture in her eyes was no longer held there, but instead flowed down her cheeks, in rivers of regret and guilt. He couldn't stand it that she was crying. He was the one wronged here. He was the one denied his son.

"Damn you!" he hissed. "Hell, I understand… I really do. But to not tell me, even if you thought I would not care… I mean, that is just cold, Jane… it's selfish and cruel!"

Castle halted, his chest heaving. He didn't even register with him that he had called her _Jane_ , and even now she was  _Jane_  in his mind's eyes. He held up a hand, forestalling anything else, and sucked in deep gulping breaths, trying to bring some calm to the torrent raging inside him. He was so conflicted, so torn between what he wanted and what he needed. They were one and the same, really, but both were different, and now changed by what he now knew.

"Why?" he caught himself asking.

Beckett opened her mouth to respond, but he shook his head and turned away from her, not really wanting to know. He already knew… she had mistakenly believed him to be the playboy sex fiend that was portrayed in the press. Hell, she probably still thought that.

"Castle," her voice was soft and calm… too calm for his liking.

He closed his eyes and breathed slowly. Her footsteps echoed across the silent Loft as she approached him, and then he felt her hand come to rest on his shoulder, and God help him, he almost flinched at her touch, the one thing he'd been craving since he first saw her again.

"I'm sorry, Castle… God, I'm  _so_  sorry," Beckett spoke; her voice had a pleading sound to it. "I did a terrible and awful thing, and I know that, and I'm prepared to accept the consequences… I am."

He let out a disbelieving laugh. "Are you?"

"Yes, I am," she asserted, her voice solid and confident.

Castle looked off into the distance, suddenly feeling guilt of his own. He turned to her, his eyes just as moist as hers. His anger shifted suddenly, focusing inward.

"It's my fault," he said, slumping to the floor. Beckett moved with him, kneeling beside him as he broke down. "Damn it, I should have used protection… then… then none of this…"

Her hand came up to hold the side of his face, an action that silenced him immediately. He blinked and looked up into her eyes, seeing so much there, yet so little. A mystery. That's what she was… she'd always be a mystery… a mystery he wanted to solve, but never would.

"I told you before, and I'll tell you again," she said, her voice soft and gentle. "I have no regrets… what we shared together was wonderful, Castle… and from that we created a remarkable little boy, and I wouldn't change that. Never. If I had the ability to go back and stop us from ever meeting… I wouldn't… because that part of my life was something I'd never want to give up."

Castle swallowed, unsure of the implications behind her statement. Was she, in her own frustratingly obtuse way, trying to tell him that she still felt the same? He knew he was an open book, especially right now. His love for her, despite his anger, must be clear, written all over his face.

Without thinking—something he was constantly accused of doing—he grabbed her and pulled her towards him, ramming his mouth against hers. It was a bruising hard kiss and he forced his way into her mouth, wanting her. It was possessive, plain and simple, and he really couldn't care. All he could think about was wanting her… needing to be with her again. All the pent up frustration was screaming for some sort of release and Castle knew what sort of release he wanted.

Beckett's hand slipped away from his face, landing on his chest. She fisted his shirt, clutched at him and God help him, he thought he heard her moan. His hands grabbed for her, holding her to him, one slipping up the side of her face and losing itself in her cherry scented hair… the other falling down her back to cup her ass, and he couldn't help but add a possessive squeeze. The vibration of another moan escaped her throat when he did that, and it sent a thrill through his body. The heat of the moment, of the kiss, heading straight to his groin.

They were on the floor, tangled together, when she pulled away, gasping for air, hot tears streaking down her face.

"No," she choked through a sob. "We… we can't. No." She shook her head, stumbling backwards… away from him. "I… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come."

She was getting up now, pushing herself to her feet. God damn her, she was running… again. Castle grumbled, completely infuriated with her emotional constipation. He had heard her moan, felt her grab for him and push in. She knew what she wanted, but no… she wouldn't give in to it. Why would she do that?

"You're running again!" he shouted after her. "It's the coward's way, Kate… the coward's way. And you're not a coward!"

That stopped her and she spun on her heels, glaring at him through watery eyes. She was shaking all over, and he fought the urge to pull her into his arms and cradle her against his chest. She deserved this… to be feeling like this.

"Castle… please?" she pleaded with him.

He hissed out in frustration and clenched his jaw, rolling his eyes. "What!"

"We can't," she gestured between them. "Not now… not when we are like this."

He paused, startled, and felt his heart thump in his chest. Did that mean she wanted a _them_? If not now, then at some point in the future?

"Fine," he breathed out, looking away, his shoulders slumping. "But… we need to talk about Alex at some point, about how I can become a part of his life. He's my son, Kate… and I have a right to be there for him."

"I know… and yes, we'll discuss it, I… I promise," Beckett replied, nodding her head. "Just… just give me some time, please."

Castle stared at her like she was crazy. She'd taken nine years from him, and she was seriously asking for more? Sighing, seeing it was futile to get himself even more worked up over this, he relented with a nod and wave of his hand. If he had to do that to appease her, he'd do it. He wanted more than just a relationship with a son he never knew he had… he wanted the mother as well… he wanted the nuclear family that had been robbed from him by circumstances and untrustworthiness.

He'd bury his hurt and pain. It was a given… if he wanted to work things out with her… she was too emotionally crippled. He knew she was. Her mother's death was like a shadow that prevented her from truly opening up and accepting what he had to offer. Castle knew she wanted it, could tell by the way her eyes beseeched him.

"Okay… you have your time," he said, giving her what she wanted. "But when the time comes, I will collect. You owe me… big time."

Beckett nodded. She made a move to leave, then stopped and turned back to him. "You… you said professional… that you'd be professional," she said, still trembling, her hands rubbing up and down along her arms as she tried to pull herself together.

He shook his head, couldn't believe it. "You're honestly thinking about work… now, of all times?"

Beckett swallowed and pushed her hair out of her flushed face. "Well… I… I wouldn't want this to disrupt our working relationship," she said, looking like she was confused and uncertain. She forced herself to lock eyes with him. "You're still going to shadow me, aren't you?" she asked, almost pleading and desperate, like she needed him to breathe.

Castle stared at her and blinked. Yes he was. He knew he was. He couldn't stop himself. Despite the ache in his chest, the hollow place that she had carved out like a succubus, stealing his soul, he would still follow. He let out a startled laugh and shook his head. "To Hell and back, it would appear," he replied with a grim smile, knowing that the statement was true, in multiple ways.

"So… will I see you on Monday?" she asked, and he couldn't help how hopeful her gaze looked.

"Yes," he nodded, letting out a sigh.

She smiled then, and it was radiant. Sad and beautiful at the same time. Castle sucked up his feelings and walked her to the door. He asked if she needed him to call a cab, or better yet, he could call in a town car for her. But she declined, averting her eyes.

"I am really sorry, Castle," she said. "Can… can we at least be friends?"

 _Oh…_  Castle startled. Did she think that he wasn't interested in her anymore? She couldn't be further from the truth. He was interested… really interested. Even though he was pissed as hell… he was interested. Or did his bruising and possessive kiss, coupled with her own conflicting feelings, scare her off? Looking down, he noticed a hand offered in what he could only guess was a truce.

Giving her a slight smile, he took her hand, small and delicate in his, and shook it. "Truce, Detective," he said, and she quirked up an eyebrow, confused. "Friends," he translated for her.

She nodded. And then she was gone, still looking regretful and sad, but with a little more hope showing, if just a tad. As he closed the door, he sighed. "We'll be friends, Kate… for now. But we'll be a lot more than that, when all is said and done."

XXX

_Kate struggled with Alex in her arms, attempting to hold him while also making dinner. She had tried setting him down in the bassinet, but he refused to lie there quietly when she busied herself around the kitchen. Humming softly, she tried to lull him back to sleep as she stirred the pasta. Making dinner tonight, after her first week on the job, was her way of proving to her dad that she could do this, that she could be a single mother… even if she did require his help. She wanted to at least show him that she was capable of doing it._

" _Are you sure you don't want me to old him?" Jim called from his reading chair. He was looking over the edge of the newspaper at her._

" _No, Dad, that's okay, I got him…," she asserted, and then lowered her voice. "You got this, Kate… you can do this."_

" _What was that?"_

" _Nothing."_

_Alexander chose that moment to fuss. He made a gargling noise and then… Dear lord, what was that smell? She furrowed her brow and looked at him and decided he was smiling too wide. Grimacing, she turned the burner down and told her dad she was going to step away from the stove for just a moment._

" _He needs a change," she hollered in way of explanation._

_Alexander gurgled happily as she walked out of the kitchen and down the hall. She nudged open the door to his room and took him over to the changing table. Kate sighed as she began to undo Alexander's onesie. She braced herself as she pulled it open._

" _What on earth have you been eating?" she frowned and knitted her eyebrows together._

_She worked quickly, cleaning up the mess and changing his diaper. Alexander wiggled his legs and arms, his bright blue eyes looking around. Kate snapped his diaper closed and paused, looking at him. He looked so much like his father, Richard Castle. The thought hit her harder than she thought._

_Kate suddenly found herself thinking about the man, wondering how he was doing… what he was doing…_ who  _he was doing—she shook her head, best not think about those sort of things. Turning back to Alexander, she finished up. After disposing of the full diaper, she picked him back up and carried him out to the_ _kitchen. He snuggled against her chest, cooing softly, his eyes slowly closing._

_She sighed… hopefully he'd fall asleep soon so she could manage to eat dinner. Her dad had been complaining to her that she didn't eat enough, and she knew that with the demands of being a beat cop, she'd need to keep her energy up. Her training officer was riding her hard, wanting to see if she'd cut it._

_Mike Royce. If Kate was honest with herself, she kind of had a crush on him. She knew he was probably way too old for her, but something about his gravelly voice and easy sense of humor just attracted her. There was no way she'd act on it, he was her superior after all, training her to become a cop, and besides… her heart was still trying to mend. Oh… and that's not even mentioning the fact that she had a one year old son. She really didn't have time to date… even if she wanted too._

_Shaking her head, and turning her attention to the stove, she noticed that the pasta had boiled over and was beyond salvation. Kate let out a groan and spun around to see her dad suppressing a triumphant grin._

" _It's ruined!" she huffed._

" _I would have checked on it… but you said you could do it," he said, chuckling while he folded up his newspaper and stood up. Her dad stepped over to her and gave her a soft smile. "It's alright, Katie," he leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. She smiled, always relishing it when he did so. "You don't have to prove anything to me. You know that, right?"_

_Kate let out a breath and nodded. "Yes, Daddy."_

_Jim shook his head and gave her a stern look. "Don't 'Yes, Daddy' me, young lady," he reprimanded. She smirked and rolled her eyes. "Alright, here… why don't you give me Alexander and then you can go out and get us some burgers."_

" _Oh… okay," she smiled. "You want them from Mal's?"_

_Jim nodded as she slowly passed, a now sleeping, Alexander over to him. Kate smiled as she watched her son shift and nestled into her father's chest. Jim beamed proudly._

_Giving her father a kiss on the cheek, Kate grabbed her purse and rushed out to get them dinner. Tugging her coat around her shivering frame, her breath visible in the cold night air, Kate walked down the street towards Mal's Diner. She shoved her hands into her pockets and picked up her pace as she rushed across the crosswalk. There weren't too many people about, so she wasn't nervous or anything, she just wanted to get to Mal's, grab their usual, and get back to her dad and Alexander._

_Mal's was unusually empty for a Saturday night. The TV, up in the corner, was on and was broadcasting one of those celebrity gossip shows. Kate wasn't really one for that kind of thing… unless it involved a certain writer. The owner and proprietor of Mal's, Viktor Bellegino—for the life of her, she had no idea why he named his place Mal's—was standing in front of the large grill, cooking up some patties. He looked over his shoulder when she entered and smiled wide._

" _Hey, Kate!" he beamed. "You destroy dinner again, or something?" Kate raised her eyebrow and gave Viktor a look. The man held up his hands. "Sorry I asked."_

" _Just two orders of the usual, please," she said, situating herself on the closest barstool._

" _Sure thing, Kate," Viktor said, flipping a burger and leaning over to grab two slices of cheddar cheese._

_Kate leaned her elbows against the counter and watched as the man worked. Occasionally talking with him when he asked a question. Viktor was almost like a family friend… her dad and her had come here ever since she was little, and more recently Jim Beckett had been having a coffee here in the morning, talking sports and current events with the other regulars._

"— _Castle's best seller,_ Deadly Storm _, introduced readers to the dashing Derrick Storm and captivating Clara Strike—"_

 _She turned her head sharply and looked up at the TV in the corner. She tuned out what was being said and focused on the image. The anchor of the gossip show was talking and holding up a hardback copy of_ Deadly Storm _. The female co-anchor turned and picked up another book, holding it up for the camera to see_ : Storm Season _. But neither of those was what drew her attention… it was the man sitting off to the side with a slight smile on his lips… Richard Castle._

" _Oh hey, looky, it's that author you like," Viktor's comment snapped her out of her trance._

_Kate blinked and turned back to him and nodded. "He's coming out with a new book, first time he's continuing with the same character from the previous book," she answered him on automatic. Her mind was elsewhere, remembering every little detail of her time with the author. Her emotions were a mixture of hurt and guilt. Hurt over how she felt she had been used, and guilt over being a coward and running away… but most of all, of not, at the very least, informing the author of their son._

" _Oh… and how is it?"_

_She blinked and raised an eyebrow at Viktor._

" _Not for me, the wife… she likes mysteries," the older man quickly covered for himself, but Kate wasn't buying it._

_Shaking her head and suppressing the amused grin, Kate told him about Derrick Storm and then… she couldn't help herself and started plugging Castle's other books. God, what was wrong with her? It was like she was his publicist. By the time her order was ready, Kate had Viktor eager to go out and purchase a copy._

_Ducking out of the diner, Kate hurried home, unsure of herself. Seeing Castle on the screen had been like throwing salt on an open wound, yet at the same time, it had warmed her heart to see him again, even if it was via television. He looked good; his smile was wide, yet she had noticed how it didn't quite reach his eyes. Letting out a sigh, Kate tried to clear her mind of the image of him… but it wouldn't go away, and all she could think of was him... and his scent, and the feel of him holding her in his arms as he…_

" _Not going to think about it," she huffed to herself, already feeling her face flush and hot with where her thoughts had been heading._

_Kate paused on the corner and took a deep cleansing breath. She wanted to be over him, to move on with her life, but he always seemed to come back to her, to weasel his way into her thoughts. She knew she could never escape him, especially when she had given birth to his son, who happened to look a lot like him too. But she wanted too, at least to try too._

_Shaking her head, Kate gripped the takeout bag that Viktor had placed their burgers in and headed home, intent on having a quiet dinner with her dad and sleeping son. And then, who was she kidding, she was probably going to take a nice long bath while snuggling up with one of_ his  _books. She couldn't help it. She loved his books… she… she probably loved him, even if it torn her heart up to do so._


	9. Chapter 9

Meredith happened… no more really needed to be said.

All right… more than just her appearance happened… needless to say, the shit hit the fan.

His ex-wife's sudden reemergence into his life had complicated things. But to what extent, he wasn't sure… he just hoped the shockwave wouldn't ripple too far out and destroy everything he had so carefully worked at.

Castle could really not believe himself. He'd made a grievous error in judgment, and had succumbed to his need for physical contact. He had sex with her. Didn't help matters that he had called out Kate's name in the height of ecstasy. Which, oddly, didn't bother Meredith, but it bothered him, because he knew that his crazy ex-wife would then want to know who this Kate was. Before she laid the bombshell on him that she was thinking of moving back to the city, Meredith had pestered him for details about this mystery woman. He avoided the topic, and quickly got out of bed, wanting to get away from the mistake as soon as possible.

 _Damn it_ , he hissed to himself as he jumped into the shower. He was trying to prove to Kate Beckett that he was not the sex-obsessed playboy she assumed him to be, and he'd just royally screwed that one. It had meant nothing, an open friends-with-benefits sort of thing with his ex-wife, but now that he was in the shower, and away from her, he felt dirty.

Castle could not understand what he had been thinking. He'd managed to avoid Meredith every single time she deigned to show up, but not this time. And he just happened to be horny enough that he gave in and had sex with her. He sighed, shaking his head, images of a disappointed Beckett flashing in his mind. Perhaps she was right about him.

Maybe it was a good thing that she had run away from him when she had. Their son… God, they had a son… he didn't need to be around a man like him. No. Castle did not want any child of his to turn out like him. Alexis had turned out good, something that still surprised him. If it weren't for the blood tests he had run during his divorce with Meredith, he would have questioned whether she was really his. Of course, now, he felt terrible about doubting Alexis's parentage, but in all honesty, with Meredith's rampant promiscuity, he had good reason question it.

Sighing, he dropped his head into the spray of water and just prayed that what he'd just done would not come back to bite him in the butt.

Of course, such thoughts were futile.

Meredith showed up at the precinct with an anxious Alexis tagging along.

Castle had been immersed in a round of teasing with Beckett, pleased that their fight had not completely destroyed their growing friendship. After she had left and he'd sobered up, he had thought about calling his lawyer, and seeing what his options were. But then he tossed that idea aside. Things were already a mess, and adding a lawyer would just make it even worse. Besides, despite all of it, his love for her was still strong, and he couldn't help but want to protect her from any more embarrassment.  _Love makes you do silly things_ , he had mused, fully acknowledging that an outside observer think he was crazy.

Luckily, Beckett had not lied to him about her willingness to discuss Alexander. And since the following Monday had proven to be slow, they had taken a very long lunch break at Remy's and discussed it. Everything about their son was open for discussion and Castle was pleased that Beckett was not shrinking away from it, as he had originally thought she would.

They were still working out a way to broach the subject with Alexander. Neither wanted the kid to be traumatized by the revelation. And ever since that weekend and following Monday, the mood was more upbeat now, around the precinct, and Castle was feeling confident that both his goals would soon come to fruition. But now… with his mistake involving his ex-wife looming over everything, Castle was afraid that any chances he might have had at getting the mother of his son along in the package would cease to be.

Presently, Castle was just about to turn one of Beckett's comments into an innuendo (oh, she  _loved_  those) when his daughter's voice, calling for him, caused him to look up, his suggestive remark forgotten. His stomach fell and he tried to hide the complete horror that gripped his features as he saw his daughter rushing over to him, Meredith walking behind with an empty-headed smile plastered on her face. Meredith may be a redhead, but she was the definition of a blonde bimbo.

"Alexis!" he let out a surprised gasp as his daughter collided with him, hugging onto him with a desperate vise-like grip. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in school?"

"Oh, I took her out. Thought that we could have a little mother-daughter bonding while doing some shopping," Meredith put in, glancing around the bullpen.

Detectives Ryan and Esposito had ceased doing the tasks that had been assigned to them and were watching with unabashed curiosity. Meanwhile, Detective Beckett was glancing away, avoiding the whole thing, and pretending as if she was going over some case reports. But he could tell by the line of her brow that she was paying absolute attention to what was going on.

"Meredith!" he said in a reprimanding tone. "You can't just go strolling in and take Alexis out of school without telling me."

"Oh, Kitten," Meredith giggled at his obvious fury, tossing it aside with a wave of her hand. "I'm her mother, and no real harm was done. Besides, we had fun… didn't we, Alexis?"

Alexis was still, she just looked at her mother and said nothing. Meredith didn't even seem to notice that their daughter did not agree, because she began to saunter around the bullpen, looking at everything.

"She just call him 'kitten'?" Castle heard Esposito whisper.

"Yeah, she did at that," came Ryan's hushed response.

"So, this is where you're getting your 'inspiration' nowadays," Meredith continued, glancing around at all the detectives and uniformed officers of the 12th precinct, who all seemed to have stopped what they were doing and were watching the scene unfold with far too much interest. She paused and looked at Beckett. "And is this your latest 'muse'?" The tonality with which she said that word made it clear to anyone aware of subtext at what she was implying.

Castle noticed Beckett stiffen, her back becoming rigid. The detective lowered her eyebrows and opened her mouth to snap out some retort, when Alexis jumped in, seeming to sense the need to prevent a conflict. Castle let out a sigh of relief as his daughter managed to talk Meredith into going out to lunch.

As they left, Alexis looked over her shoulder and Castle mouthed a silent thank you, promising to make it up to her. Alexis's big blue eyes told him that he had a lot of explaining to do, and for a moment, he wondered just how much Meredith had revealed to their daughter.

"So… that's Meredith, huh?"

Castle jumped, a bit startled at hearing her voice so close to him. He turned, seeing Beckett sitting on the edge of her desk, her arms crossed over her chest and a slightly vexed expression. He wondered if she was trying to compare herself to Meredith. He thought it was an insane exercise, as he'd been with both women, and Meredith held nothing on Beckett.

"Yeah, the Deep-Fried Twinkie," he nodded.

"Wa… what?" Beckett frowned, looking confused. Both Ryan and Esposito looked up and smirked.

"You know, something you can only handle once and a while," he explained with a shrug, hoping they could move on to another topic and avoid any discussion of what was going on with Meredith being in town. He desperately wanted the mistake he made last night to go unknown by the beautiful brunette detective, whose heart he was trying to win back. He was still angry, and rightly so, that she had concealed the birth of their son from him, but he couldn't dwell on that, not when such anger could destroy a future he so desperately wanted.

Beckett gave him a glare, it wasn't overly hostile (like some of her other stares), and her voice sounded disappointed and sad. "You slept with her, didn't you?" she asked it in a quiet voice, so that the others would not over hear.

"I… I…," he did not know how to respond. How the hell did she know that?

"Detective, remember?" she answered his unspoken question. She shook her head and pushed off from the edge of her desk. "You don't have to explain yourself to me, Castle. You're a grown boy… you can do what you want."

Castle opened his mouth to respond, but fell flat. His expression dropped and he could not hide the shame on his face. After all, he had kissed Kate… rammed his mouth so possessively hard against hers that the following day they both had bruised and swollen lips—and oh boy, were they teased for that by Tweeldedee and Tweedledum.

Beckett appraised him for a moment, before seemingly deciding to cut him some slack. "Kitten, eh?"

His raised his eyes to hers to see the spark of amusement, but he could still see a flash of disappointment in her eyes. He hated that, knowing he had disappointed her. He sighed and nodded. "Yeah… um… could you not call me that?"

"Why not? I think it suits you…  _kitten_ ," Beckett smirked and then turned her back on him to focus on the murder board.

XXX

_Kate finished up in the locker room. She'd made it through her first six months on the job, which was major, considering the majority of women didn't seem to last that long. After all, she was in a male dominated profession. Because of her gender, the guys ribbed her a little, but she could take it. She probably got along better with the men better than the other female officers did._

_Pulling on her jacket, she grabbed her bag and walked out of the locker room to find Mike Royce waiting for her outside in the hall._

" _Hey, kid," he said, his voice gravelly and low._

" _Mike," Kate nodded, giving him a slight smile. She had to admit, she had kind of a crush on her training officer. If she didn't have the emotional baggage of her past relationship with Richard Castle and the kid that came with it, she might have pursued a relationship with Royce… even if it was just physical. To hell with the fact that he was older than her and her superior._

" _Tough day, huh?"_

" _Yeah," she nodded, letting out a breath as she felt the weight of the long day._

" _I was wondering, wanna go grab a beer or something?" he asked, very smooth and nonchalant._

_Her eyes went wide and she stared at him for the longest moment. God, she wished she could say yes, but she had responsibilities and a kid she had to get home to. She knew her dad was worried sick every time she walked out that door that she'd get killed and he would then be stuck having to take care of his grandson all by himself._

" _Um… that's kind of you to ask, Mike," Kate finally responded, blinking back to the present. "But… I should probably get home."_

_Royce sighed and gave a nod. "Yeah… I… um… forget about it, no big deal," he said, shaking his head and hand in a gesture to dismiss the obvious awkwardness that had suddenly sprung up between them._

_Kate sighed and forced herself to look at him. "I've got a kid, Mike," she said, startling him. The shock on his face confirmed what she had suspected would happen once she told him. He was looking for a good time. She would have liked a little of that too, but right now, everything was just too new and… well, complicated._

" _I'm sorry," Royce said. "I guess… I guess I just kind of… so are you—?"_

" _No, I'm not married," she said before he could ask. She laughed nervously. "Young single parent. That's me!"_

_Royce nodded. "Why didn't you tell me?"_

" _I… I just wanted to be one of the guys, I guess," Kate replied, adjusting her hold on her bag. "I didn't want any special treatment."_

" _I guess I can understand that," Royce nodded. "Look, Kate… doesn't change anything. We… we can still be friends."_

_She smiled. "I'd like that, yes."_

" _Good," Royce said, putting his hands in his pockets. "Then maybe a rain check, huh? We can go out for some beers some other night."_

" _Yeah," she nodded. "Sounds good."_

_They made their goodbyes and both went their separate ways. Kate was a little stunned by the whole encounter. She had felt a connection between her and Royce, and she assumed it was because of all that they had been through on their beats. Plus, he understood her need to find justice for her mother. And he was her training officer. She looked up to him, idolized him. He could do no harm in her eyes. But to think he'd be interested in her, even just a little, was mind-blowing._

_It had been a while since Kate had seen a man show any interest in her… well, that she noticed, anyways. She hadn't really been paying attention, and this was the first time that she had. It actually made her feel kind of good, to know that she was still attractive and desirable in the eyes of men. And to have Royce, a man she looked up to, see that in her… well, it made her smile even wider._

_But then, the thoughts of Richard Castle intruded into her mind, and her smile dimmed._

_This was why she couldn't have any relationships. Despite her fervent attempts, she could not get the famous author out of her mind. She was ready to admit to herself that she had been in love with him, or at least the man he had claimed to be… Alexander Rodgers… the man she had named her son after. But the more she thought about it, the more Kate realized that she couldn't afford to get involved with anyone, not when she was still conflicted and confused over how she felt about Castle._

_She wanted to hate him… she really did. He had used her and thrown her aside. No… that wasn't really the truth. She had run away, but that was beside the point. Or was it? She could have stayed and heard him out. When she had run, she was angry and thinking impulsively. In retrospect, she could remember the anguished look in his face, the hurt and the guilt. He had wanted to talk to her, he really had. Kate wanted to just say she didn't know the real him, but something deep down inside her told her that she might be one of the few who actually did._

_Despite all that history, all the past between them that was so painful and hurt so much whenever she thought about it, Kate could not bring herself to stop reading his books… or going online to all the fan sites and reading about him. There were pictures now in the paper, on Page Six, and he looked good… but he was also always with some blonde bimbo._

_Currently the rumors on the forums said he was dating his editor from Black Pawn, Gina Cowell. Kate had seen images of the woman, Castle's arm draped over her shoulder, a big smile plastered on his face. She couldn't help but notice, though, how the smile seemed forced and fake. Gina, on the other hand, just seemed happy to be the center of attention._

_She hoped the relationship didn't last, that he'd be alone again. Alone and lonely. Yeah… she wanted him to suffer like she did. She had no love life, so she felt it was unfair that he had a string of women… of conquests. But then again, that was him, wasn't it… a rich, successful playboy. He probably had added her to his notched on the bedpost, counting her as one of his more successful conquests. Or was that just her ego talking, wanting her to believe she was someone more special than all the other women he had no doubt been with._

_Sighing, Kate walked out of the precinct and towards the corner and bus stop. It was unhealthy to over think or dwell on all of this. It was in the past, and she should just leave it there. Her love life was non-existent, and she had passed on an opportunity to maybe reopen it with Mike Royce. In the end, she thought it was probably for the best. It was a stupid idea to get involve with someone you worked with._

_And besides… she didn't need a man to prove she was needed and wanted… Kate had Alexander, she had her little man. He was the only constant and stable thing in her life, and she loved him deeply. He adored her and she wouldn't trade anything in the world for that. Alex was still at the age when he wanted her and needed her, and she was not going to waste that time feeling sorry for herself. Kate needed to be there for her son, because he'd always be there and would always be her son._


	10. Chapter 10

"You owe me."

"Alright, Castle… what do you want?" Beckett relented with a sigh, accepting his challenge that, for saving her life, she owed him anything…  _anything_ … he wanted.

Castle smirked and strolled up to her, slow and deliberately he placed his mouth right by her ear. For a brief moment, he had to remind himself of where they were, because being so close to her and having his lips inches away from her skin was bringing back such wonderful memories.

There were several things he wanted from Beckett… and her open acceptance had been for literally anything. He knew it. He could see it in her eyes. If he asked her, she would give herself to him if that were his request. Castle was tempted, wanting to once again taste and feel the glory that was Kate Beckett (Jane in his past life), but that would just be wrong. Especially after what he'd just done. He didn't want to sully their physical reunion with the mistake of Meredith looming over them. When she allowed him in again, he wanted it to be done because she asked him in, not because he forced his way in because of this.

He also contemplated making this request about Alex, their son. He wanted to be a part of his life… he deserved it. That anger over being excluded from any knowledge of Alexander's birth flared up in him again. He could feel Beckett tense, as if sensing his anger over being denied his son. Castle bit his tongue and closed his eyes, holding back the bitterness and hostility.

Castle remembered his conversation with his mother and daughter, when he finally sat them down and told them everything, leaving out only that which he believed should only ever remain between him and Kate. It was Martha's opinion that he was showing quite a lot of restraint and was, as she put it, taking it quite well. Alexis was confused over the whole legality of it, and wondered if he had any legal claim to Alexander.

Castle didn't know the answer to that, because he did not know if Beckett had even put him on the birth certificate as the father. He'd have to ask her that. However, he knew if he requested a paternity test, it would prove to any court that he was the father… Alex looked too much like him not to be his son. But most of all, both were supportive of whatever his decision was, of how he would approach the situation and speak with Beckett.

So far, he hadn't, obviously. They had talked about ideas of how to tell Alexander, yes, but beyond that, they hadn't discussed much else.

Meredith's arrival had significantly damaged his plans. He still was kicking himself over what he'd done, but from what he gathered by Beckett's posture and manner during the case that followed the abrupt arrival of the redhead hurricane, she had forgiven him for any and all transgressions. Castle hoped that's what it was that he was inferring from her posture. And if it was forgiveness, he hoped it was not because the brunette had decided to sideline any ideas that they could once again become romantically involved. And he certainly hoped it meant she was still open to discussions with him over Alexander and his future role in the boy's life.

So, when she accepted this debt she owed him, instead of choosing one of the more emotionally heavy and substantial things between them, he went with the most inane, in hopes it would show her how sorry he was for his slip with Meredith.

Castle was amazed at how husky his voice was when he finally spoke. "You know exactly what I want," he said, his breath hot and warm, and he noticed how she shivered as he whispered into her ear, taking some satisfaction in that. "Never… call me  _kitten_ … again."

And with that, Castle pulled back and sauntered away as if nothing had happened. He smiled to himself, pleased, thinking that he had just surprised her with his request. No doubt she had assumed his request would be something sexual in nature, but no… he wouldn't get her back that way. And besides, he felt like he needed to make up for his mistake with Meredith.

He could still read the disappointment in Beckett's eyes at how he had so easily strayed and caved in to his baser needs. He was disappointed in himself as well. Castle made a solemn vow that he'd never allow that to happen again. He'd have to learn to control his urges, and concentrate on his ultimate goal, which was to win back his Jane… to win Kate Beckett and gain the family he had always longed for.

Castle waited for her by the car, knowing that she had to wait for Internal Affairs to come and approve of the shooting. That was one thing he'd learn very early on. It wasn't like in the movies or television, where a cop discharged his weapon and then went on like nothing had happened. Paperwork had to filed, and a brief on scene interview needed to be conducted by IA. He knew Beckett was in the clear, she had acted in the right, but the waiting was killing him.

Finally Beckett came out, a grim expression plastered all over her face. Castle tried to smile and lighten the mood. "How was the doom squad?" he inquired. She looked up at him briefly, and he recognized a look like she had expected to him be gone, and was both surprised and touched that he was still there.

"Typical BS non-sense," she scowled, walking over to the car and moving to the driver's side. Once she unlocked the car doors, Castle opened his side and climbed in.

"They did cleared you of any wrong doing, though… right?" he asked, a little worried that his actions might have resulted in her getting a suspension or citation in her record.

Beckett let out a long breath as she settled herself behind the wheel and buckled up. "Yeah…, they cleared me," she sighed. "Just… you know," she glanced over at him. "They just aren't nice about it."

He gave a nod. "Anything I can do to help?" he asked.

She smiled tightly, and glanced at him with a wicked expression that had him shivering. "Perhaps," she let out in an almost sultry kind of voice, before then shifting the car into drive and speeding off into traffic.

Castle sat back, completely at a lost for words to describe the look she had given him. It had looked almost primal… consumed with baser need and desire. He had thought that for sure he had messed things up, but it seemed like she had forgiven him, at least a little, as she was back to the teasing… had been, for the better part of the day. He hadn't noticed a change in her until he had been appraising himself in the video monitor showing the image from a camera pointed out the shop window, and declared himself "ruggedly handsome." Her feigned shrug and slight eye roll was all too telling to him. He could see by her posture that she was agreeing, but not wanting to do so out loud.

"I'm sorry," he suddenly said, turning to look at her.

Beckett frowned and cautiously glanced over at him before turning her attention back to the road. "Castle… you… you don't—"

"Yes, I do," he asserted with a firm voice, much more firm than he had ever used with her.

She sighed and lowered her head for a brief moment, but kept her eyes on the road. "It… it's not like we're together."

"But it was wrong… especially… especially with how I feel about you," Castle pushed past the lump in his throat. "I love you. And… and with Meredith… I… God," he rubbed his face with his hands, so overwhelmed and uncertain about everything. "I don't. And I feel… I feel like I've royally screwed things up… that… that I'm not worthy—"

"Stop right there!" she snapped at him, and he looked up, startled to see her glaring at him. He swallowed hard as she stared him down. "I don't wanna hear any self-pity from you, Castle… you are worthy of better and more than  _her_ … perhaps me, as well."

"What?"

"I don't blame you for what happened, Castle," she sighed and looked away, concentrating on driving.

"But I am at fault," he declared.

"Partially, yes," she gave him a quick glance before looking away. "But not entirely." This startled him and he looked at her, completely confused.

How could she be laying the blame for this at her feet? He was the one that had slept with his ex-wife. It wasn't like she had told him to do it… oh…  _oh…_  he looked at her with big sorrowful eyes.  _Oh, Kate._  He swallowed hard as she turned her head, risking a glance at him.

"I… I put you in a place where you… you were in need… and then… then I pulled back and left you hanging. And Meredith," she bit out his ex-wife's name with venom, "she… she just happened to be the one to give you what you needed. Something that I could never give you."

He shook his head. She was wrong, so very wrong.

"We should never have kissed that day," she said. "It… it was a mistake.

"Kate?"

"No… it was," she asserted, a little snappish. "We… we let the emotions run away from us. We have a kid… yes, but…  _us_ … there… there is just too much pain and hurt between us for it to work. We can be friends, yes, for our son, for Alexander… but," she paused and let out a short breath, "obviously we can't be anything more than that."

Castle looked at her, feeling his heart break. Was it really over? Sure, they'll have to see each other, be in each other's lives, because they shared a son. But to having nothing more with Kate Beckett than that… Castle couldn't breathe. He wanted more, he so badly wanted more with her. He was screaming it at her with his eyes. Begging with her to forgive his lapse… wanting her to know that it was a mistake, one he truly regretted, and that all he wanted was her… and only her, no one else for the rest of his miserable pathetic excuse for a life.

"Please… Kate… don't," his voice cracked. He swallowed hard and tried to pull it together, but it was too difficult to breathe right now.

Her eyebrows knitted together and her eyes were watery.

"I'm sorry," she said, looking away, and with that the conversation was over.

XXX

 _When Kate got home, she held Alex tight. He was just as overwhelmed with joy that his mother was home as she was at being able to hold him, though it was well past his bedtime. Jim watched them from the kitchen counter, still cleaning the dishes from dinner. She loved her job, yes, but she hated that she missed family dinners. Picking Alex up, she carried him to his room and tucked him. Taking out one of his favorite books,_ Where The Wild Things Are,  _she read to him until he fell asleep._

_Watching as his tiny chest rose and fell in his sleep, Kate wondered how she could think of anything else besides being here for her son. She didn't need a love life, she had already had one… a great one… and it had given her Alexander. Brushing her fingers through his brown hair, she was struck with how much like his father he looked. Alex looked so much like Richard Castle. They both had the same eyes, and Alex's hair often got all messy and unruly, much in the same manner as Castle's had._

_Sighing, she leaned in and kissed Alex's forehead before standing up and returned into the kitchen to join her father._

" _I'm not going to ask how your day was, because I don't want to know," Jim said with a chuckle as he placed a plate of microwaved leftovers before her._

_She sighed. "I need to do it, Dad… it gives me a sense of purpose," Kate replied, looking up at him as she grabbed a fork and settled onto one of the barstools by the kitchen counter. She glanced over and watched as her father continued to clean the dishes._

" _Alex should be purpose enough for you," he replied softly. "You don't need to be going out there risking your life to protect other people when you have him here waiting for you." He sighed and lowered his head. "You're missing so much, Katie… so much that you won't get back."_

" _I know," she replied, swallowing hard and looking down. "But… I have to do it… I need it."_

_Jim let out a long slow sigh of resignation. "I know… just promise me you're being careful."_

" _As careful as I can, yes," she nodded, and gave him a tight smile. "Hey, Dad… guess what? Royce… he… her, um… kind of asked me out after work."_

" _What!" Jim Beckett raised his eyebrows in alarm, and ceased his movements, the dishes temporarily forgotten. "He's like, what twenty years older than you?"_

" _Why would that matter?" she asked, taking a bite of the dinner her Dad had saved for her. "Hmmm… this is good, by the way."_

_Jim Beckett gritted his teeth for a moment, and seemed to think over what he wanted to say. Finally he sighed and slumped his shoulders. "Alright, let's make a deal here and now, I won't complain about whatever… um… love life you decide to start, and you don't tell me about it."_

" _Okay… but what if it gets serious, would you want to know then?" she asked._

" _Of course," he nodded. "I'll even have your grandpa's shotgun ready for when I meet the guy."_

_Kate chuckled and shook her head. "Dad," she admonished with a roll of her eyes._

" _Hey, you're my only daughter… I have a right to protect you," he said with a curt nod._

_He turned back to busy himself with the dishes. Kate slowly finished her dinner, and then handed the plate to him. He scrubbed it clean while she stood there and leaned against his shoulder._

" _Thanks for being here, Daddy," she murmured and kissed his cheek. "I couldn't have done any of this without you."_

" _You're welcome, Katie," he replied and tilted his head around to kiss her forehead. "Oh… almost forgot, a package arrived for you today. I put it on your bed."_

" _Thanks," she nodded. "I think I'm going to turn in, then."_

" _Okay," Jim replied. "Sleep tight, Katiebug."_

_She smirked at her childhood nickname and leaned up to kiss her father's cheek again, before murmuring goodnight and heading in the direction of her bedroom._

_The package was sitting on the edge of the bed and she could tell by the shape of it that it was a book. Kate didn't need to open it to know what book it was. She'd been bidding like crazy with some other person on eBay to get this exact book. Slowly, she ripped the packaging open and pulled the book out. She spun it around in her hands, taking it in. The dustcover was still in excellent condition._

_Kate already had a copy of this book, the first Derrick Storm novel, but unlike the others, it hadn't been signed. The copy she had of this book had become one of her most prized possessions, because, to her, it was almost like it was the last thing she had of him… besides the obvious. Turning the book around, she looked at his picture, and ran her finger along the image, remembering what it felt like to actually touch him._

_Her eyes watered and she knew that she could never really move on, not with how much she had fallen for him. It might have been nice to accept Royce's offer, but she could never go all in with him… or anyone, really, if she was being honest. She wondered if it was enough that she had had love for just a brief moment in her life. The old phrase, "it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all" came to her mind._

_Sighing, she looked down at the book cradled in her lap and flipped the cover open. There, on the title page, was his signature. She smiled weakly and traced the lines and curves, feeling like touching them brought her closer to him. It was there that she finally fully realized that she was still in love with him—all the way in love, even though he'd deceived her. She'd done some deceiving as well, and had lied to him. So they were even when it came to that._

_Kate closed the book and put it down on her nightstand. She shoved her hand in her pants pocket and pulled out her cell phone. She flipped it open and scrolled through her contacts. His number was still there, and she admitted that it was rather telling that she'd kept it all these years, and had never erased it… had always copied it along with her other contacts when she got a new phone._

_She stared at the number, wondering what she was thinking. He probably didn't even have this number anymore. She was being silly and stupid. Kate knew what he had wanted from her and he'd got it, but still… that pained look on his face when she had last seen him… maybe, just maybe she had been mistaken. Castle had not been the only one to lie about his name; she had too._

_Her heart pounded in her chest so profoundly she was sure it would jump out and run away. All the possibilities flashed through her mind of what could happen if she pushed the call button and he picked up and was on the other end. What would she do then? Would she cry and confess to him, tell him that she still loved him and forgave him for not telling him who he was? But how could she?_

_He'd moved on, at least, that's what she had gathered from the gossip sites and fan forums. Richard Castle had been out of the dating picture for three years. But now he was back, and dating Gina Cowell, an editor from Black Pawn, the publishing company that produced all his books. She was blonde, and was sexy, but Kate had to admit that he didn't really look happy in the photos she'd seen of him._

_Kate let out a sad laugh and closed the phone, putting it down on top of the book on her nightstand. It was too late for them. They'd had their shot and she had ruined it by just running away. If she had stayed and heard him out—he had so very clearly wanted to explain—then maybe her life would have been different._

_Sighing, she leaned back on her bed and reached over to her other nightstand, where the book she was currently reading awaited her. It seemed slightly odd, and maybe a little insane, that in her moment of emotional distress, she'd grab for and find comfort in a book he wrote. She couldn't help it. He was her favorite author, and despite some of the bitterness she sometimes still harbored towards him for what she still thought of as being used, she still adored his writing and characters and would defend him against any harsh critic on the fan forums._

_Perhaps that was her life… and Kate found that for now, it was enough. She had her career, her dad, her son, and her memories of being with Richard Castle. She sighed as she flipped the book open to where she had left off the previous night. It was enough, for now. Maybe someday, she'd find someone else, but for now… for now… it was enough._


	11. Chapter 11

She was a coward… that was all he could think. Sure, she was a no-nonsense detective, fearless when it came to busting down doors and going toe-to-toe with some of the worst humanity had to offer, but when it came to expressing her own emotions, to revel and thrive in them, she was a coward. Castle wanted to yell at her, to tell her how obtuse and narrow-minded she was being, but he couldn't. He was done with it, with yelling at her. He just couldn't handle it. It was too much to deal with.

God, he wished things could be different. He wanted that so much. All Castle wanted to was be with Kate Beckett… be with her, in ever meaning that that word held. He wanted a forever with her, a life that they could build together… a life that they  _should_  have built together nine years ago. She was wrong, in his opinion. The hurt and pain there, in his heart, it could be mended. He had felt it being repaired and put back together when he had grabbed her and kissed her that day in the Loft. And oh, how he wished she had not pushed away… had not thrown herself behind that wall that she had constructed.

So much of her life seemed to be held back because of that wall… a wall that he was intent on scaling. Castle wanted to meet her on the other side, or better yet, bulldoze his way through that wall, tear it down, brick by brick, until it was gone, leaving her fully exposed and open to him. Yeah, that's what he wanted… a Kate Beckett that was naked and on his bed, pleading with him to take her and make her his… wait? He was talking about a metaphorical wall, not about that.

Frowning, Castle shifted on the couch and stared off into the distance. The wall. He was thinking about the wall. But damn it, now he had images of Kate Beckett sprawled on his satin sheets, hair tousled, and flesh flushed and warm, waiting for him. Shaking his head, he tried to think about the wall, about the thing that stood in their way… in  _her_  way, of accepting him back, of opening her heart.

Sleeping with Meredith was beside the point, and he knew that now. Something else had triggered this sudden withdraw from Beckett. Castle wished he knew what it was… what the real problem was. He grounded his teeth. Damn. Why did life have to be so frustrating? All he wanted was to love and be loved in return. Was that too much to ask for? Did the universe deem him unworthy of such love?

"What's the matter, darling?" his mother called him out of his brooding thoughts.

He looked up, his face a mask of the tempest within. "Jane… er… I mean Beckett."

"Is she stalling on telling Alex?" Martha asked, sitting down onto the couch besides him, reaching up with one hand to comfort his worried shoulders.

Castle sighed, and closed his eyes, and leaned into his mother's touch. He missed being her little boy… he really did. He had grown up and become a man, but he still needed his mother. Especially in times like this.

"No," he informed her. "We have it planned out. We're going to meet him after school next week and take him to Mal's. It's this diner that Kate and her dad have gone too ever since she was little. She's been taking Alex there too. We thought that during it in a place that he's familiar with would make it easier."

Martha nodded. "Then… what's the matter?"

He swallowed. "You know, don't you… that with her… it's not about the books," Castle admitted. "It never has, with her." He paused and took a breath. "Yes, Nikki Heat was inspired by that first case, but the only reason I kept wanting to go back and follow her was because of who she is to me. Of what she means… not that she's my muse or that seeing what I see when I observe and help out with a case inspires my creativity—it does do that—but why I'm really there has nothing at all to do with the books… or research… far from it."

"You love her," Martha said matter-of-factly with a nod.

Castle gaped and looked up at her in surprise.

"Oh, don't look so surprise, Richard," she said. "I'm your mother, after all. I can tell when my son's in love. And even before I knew who she was in relation to your past, I had already noticed the way you looked at her, the way you talked about her… it was clear from the start that you were far more than just infatuated with her."

He let out a hollow laugh. "And I thought I was being good at hiding my emotions."

"So… what's the problem, Richard? What is it that has you moping around here instead of out there with her?" Martha asked, rubbing his shoulders in much the same way she had when he was a child and was worried or distressed about something.

Castle sighed, relishing the feel of the comfort he had so often received as a child. He closed his eyes. "I don't think she feels the same as me," he spoke in a quiet voice. "I told her that I still feel the same as I did back then… that I love her, but… I just don't think she feels that anymore. I think she's too focus on whatever hurt and guilt that she still has over all that."

"Is that really what this is about?" his mother asked, giving him a stern look.

"What?" he swallowed, moving out of his mother's comforting embrace and sitting up straight, suddenly on guard.

"Alexis told me," Martha said with a nod. "What were you thinking, Richard?"

"I wasn't thinking, that's the problem," he grumbled, turning away, shamefaced.

"Jeez, kiddo," his mother said shaking her head a she stood up. "I'm beginning to wonder who's the more childish out of the two of you. Because where I'm standing, you two both look a little like fools to me."

"I…"

"No, listen, Richard," Martha said, holding up a hand. "I know I was probably not the best mother, and God knows you certainly didn't have any good male role models to look up to as a kid, but I would have thought that I would have taught you something about restraint. Damn right Kate's angry at you… I'm angry at you. Meredith… really? Honestly, Richard… I really don't know what to say…"

"Mother…"

"You say you're still in love with Kate, but you sleep with your ex-wife," Martha summed it up and shook her head. "Richard, sometimes I think you just gotta learn to keep it in your pants."

His face reddened. "That's unfair, mother," Castle snapped. "I am not  _him_!"

"Him?" Martha raised her eyebrows, confused. "Who are you talking about?"

"Whoever the hell my father is!" Castle shouted back at her. The moment it was out of his mouth, he regretted it. "Mother… I'm sorry… I didn't mean it."

He felt terrible as he saw his mother's eyes moisten. "No… no, I think you did," she said, and then turned on her heels and marched off, leaving him to slump down on the couch and punish himself.

Pushing himself up to his feet, he shuffled towards his office. He was in a bad place now, had screwed things up with Beckett—she was probably going to punish him by now dragging her feet on the whole telling Alex thing. He deserved it, Castle thought. If she wanted to protect her son from his deviant behavior, he could understand. Hell, he was even considering suggesting to Alexis that she spend the next couple of nights at Paige's.

It was all so very frustrating, he thought as he trudged into his office and collapsed down on his chair, flipping his laptop open and turning it on. Beckett blamed herself, at least partially, for his lapse. She didn't outright say it, but it had been implied. He wondered if she even wanted him to shadow her anymore. Probably didn't. Too much pain in that. Too much hurt. Too much guilt, on his part.

Sighing, he turned to his laptop, opening up the document file that contained his  _Nikki Heat_ manuscript. He'd work out his frustrations with Nikki and Rook. He'll have Rook be there for Nikki in a way he had not been there for Kate. His mind flowed and he remembered the small things about Jane that had him melting and he wrote it… wrote what he wished could happen between him and Kate, but having it happen to Nikki and Rook instead… _homemade margaritas_.

His phone rang.

He quickly saved, pleased with how the chapter had turned out. It was one of the perks of being a writer, being able to imagine things differently than how they were in real life, and then create that on a page where you could live differently as someone else, if only for a short time.

His phone rang again, snapping him back to reality.

Grabbing his cell, he pressed the answer button and brought it up to his ear. "Rick Castle," he answered.

He was met by silence. He frowned and held the phone away from him to look at the screen… he didn't recognize the number. Bringing the phone back up to his ear, he listened for a moment.

"Um… hello, anyone there?"

"It's Jim Beckett… Kate's father," came a firm voice.

 _Oh shit_.

"Mr. Beckett—"

"Look, let me talk, okay?"

"Okay," Castle gulped. He had the sudden sensation that he was once again sitting in his high school girlfriend's living room across from her very stern and scary looking father.

"First off, I just want to apologize for my daughter," Jim said. "I told her from the start that she should have informed you about Alex. Even if you didn't want anything to do with him, I thought you had a right to know. But I respected her wishes, otherwise I would have sought you out and told you."

Castle let out a breath.

"And secondly… Jesus, what the hell were you thinking sleeping with your ex-wife?" the man practically shouted. "You broke my little girl's heart doing that… and she was just starting to open it back up to you."

"What? She… she was?" he fumbled, unsure.

He heard Jim take a long breath on the other end. "Look, Rick, can I call you Rick?"

"Of course."

"Rick, my Katie… she's in love with you, has been, still is," Jim Beckett told him. "She… she's just not very good at admitting that to herself or others. But the way she'd lights up after coming home from working a case with you… damn, I haven't seen her that happy since before her mother died. But you need to understand, I won't tolerate my little girl's heart being played with."

Castle swallowed and looked down. "Mr. Beckett—"

"Please, Rick… call me Jim, we're way past that point already."

"Okay, Jim… I… I know I screwed up, big time," he said. "I wasn't thinking…"

"No shit."

"Things are just… er… complicated between Kate and me," Castle tried to explain. "It's not just the past, but something else. I don't know what. But today… today Kate says that it's all her fault, and that we can never be anything more than friends."

"She what?"

"She blames herself for me sleeping with my ex-wife," Castle repeated, still completely baffled at her logic.

"I don't understand," Jim asserted, sounding equally confused.

"Neither do I," Castle said. "Apparently, she thinks that she put me in a place where I was in need and that it was a need she could not fulfill." His face went all hot and warm. He felt extremely awkward and embarrassed talking about this subject with Kate's father.

There was silence on the other end for a minute, and then Jim Beckett let out a breath. "Despite everything that happened between you two, and the years of separation, she's done so much soul searching and thinking that I know she regrets how it ended between you two."

"I regret a lot from back then, mainly that I didn't man up and tell her who I was," Castle sighed, leaning back in his chair. "If she had told me about the baby, I would have done the right thing… I would have been there."

"Look, Rick… I'm going to ask a question now, and I want a straight and honest answer. Can you give me that?"

"Yes."

"Do you still love my daughter?"

"Yes. More than I ever thought I could love someone," he said, completely honest, bearing his soul to the father of the woman he loved, the woman he might have lost forever thanks to his stupid need for physical release.

"I believe you," Jim answered after a long pause. "You know, she tried to move on, she really did, but she never could. She's stubborn. She…," he paused, sighing sorrowfully. "She's a lot like her mother in that regard. Johanna… bless her, but she was stubborn to a fault. Took me so long to get her to even look at me, let alone go out with me. I've never told Katie this, but I proposed four times before Johanna said yes… I think my Katie's the same way. If you really love her, you're going to have to fight for her. And from what I've seen, despite all that hurt, you're good for her. She'd only hurt that much if she truly loves you."

"Why… why are you telling me this?"

"Because I want you to fight for her, Rick," Jim said. "You don't know what it's been like, living with her, seeing her pine for you like you were something out of reach. She… she needs time, but if you give it to her, I think she'll come around. You just have to be patient."

"And Alexander?"

"She'll hold up on her end," Jim said. "I'll make sure she does."

Castle closed his eyes and thought.

"So, Rick… will you fight for my little girl?"

Opening his eyes, Castle stared off into the distance with a determination he'd never once felt he had ever possessed. He gripped the cell phone tightly in his hand, and gave his answer.

XXX

_This was not the sort of thing she'd expected to find waiting for her when she got home. She'd just got back from a grueling day of shifting through trash bins looking for evidence on a murder case. Detective Hennessey had really been riding her for missing something earlier in the week, and she had wanted to impress the lead detective, hoping to show him that she was good enough material for advancement in his squad. She'd work diligently that day and had found a key piece of evidence that put her back into Hennessey's good graces, her dress down the other day seemingly forgotten._

_But when she came home, all happy and upbeat about Hennessey's praise, Kate was hit hard with the news on Page Six that Richard Castle had married his Black Pawn editor Gina Cowell in a private ceremony with family and friends._

_Apparently her dad had seen this coming, as he had put three year old Alexander to bed before she got home. He had been finishing up the dishes, as she had absently flipped through the paper as she ate a chicken Caesar salad he had made for her. The moment he heard her sharp intake of breath when she saw the wedding announcement and photo, Jim was by her side, taking her into his arms and holding her against his chest as she broke down, slumping against him for support._

_It was really over now. He'd found someone else. He'd moved on. She had been stupid… so stupid. She should have called him, told him how she felt and about their son. She should have!_

_Kate staggered against her father, trying to push away. She didn't deserve comfort. She'd been the one to do this to herself. She felt so silly, crying like this for a man whom she'd run away from four years ago, but it could not be helped. She was in love with him and it hurt so bad to see that he'd married someone else._

_Jim grabbed her and pulled her to the couch in the living room. He set her down, rubbing her back and kissing her head like he had when she was a little girl. She leaned against him and sighed, wiping at her eyes._

" _I screwed up, Daddy," she murmured, her voice thick from sobbing._

" _Yes, you did," he answered bluntly._

_She blinked, startled by his tone, and tilted her head to look up at him. Jim lowered his brow and returned her gaze._

" _I used to hate him, you know," he said. "For knocking you up and then leaving… but then… as the years have gone by, I've realized that he wasn't the one at fault… you were. You ran… didn't you?"_

_She swallowed hard and averted her eyes, nodding, ashamed. "Yes," she admitted her guilt. "I… I never gave him time to explain."_

_Jim sighed and hugged her to him, resting his chin on the top of her head. She could feel his breath, and hear his heart. It was beating so hard, and Kate was reminded of the one time they had embraced like this… when they found out that her mother had been killed. Closing her eyes, she felt more tears manifesting._

" _I really don't know what to say, Katie," Jim said. "He gave you four years to find him, tell him the truth, but you never did. You had plenty of opportunities, yet you never did."_

_"Daddy…"_

" _No," he shook his head, tilting her head up to look at him. "I know, Katie. I know you've kept his number on your phone."_

_Kate turned her head away, but her father grabbed her face and forced her to look at him. "Daddy?" she pleaded._

" _You've got to face it, Katherine Elizabeth Beckett," he said, using her full name._ _"You need to accept responsibility for causing this hurt you feel, and you need to move on. It's time. You've wasted too much time pining for a man that you're too much of a coward to admit you're in love with. It's time, Katie, to move on."_

_Kate nodded, knowing he was right. She had to move on, otherwise she'd be an emotional wreck her entire life. But it was so hard. Her heart seemed incomplete without Castle… without her Alexander. "I guess I was obvious," she said, looking up at her father, watching as he inclined his head. "I mean, I named Alex after him… so you must have known how I really felt about him."_

" _I did, yes," Jim said. "And I'm disappointed you never made contact with him, and told him about Alex. I would have… I would, but I respect your wishes, Katie. Just… just promise me one thing."_

" _Anything, Daddy."_

_He gave her a firm look. "Don't wait forever to find happiness again," he said. "You're my little girl, and I love you, but sometimes…" he sighed. "Sometimes you're too stubborn for your own good. If you ever find the opportunity to find that happiness you want, don't shrink away from it. Grab it and never let go."_

_Kate swallowed hard and looked into her dad's eyes, seeing something in them she had never seen before. She opened her mouth to question him about it, but then closed her mouth and nodded. "Okay," she relented to his plea, even though she knew she'd most likely break it if she ever found herself close to finding that happiness again. It was just her nature, she assumed, to run away from what she wanted… even if it meant destroying herself in the process._


	12. Chapter 12

"Castle! What… what are you doing here?" her voice raised an octave as her eyes widened in surprise when he sauntered through the elevator doors and towards her desk. He smiled down at her, noticing how  _his_  chair hadn't been moved. It was sitting there, empty… waiting for him.

"Are you saying you don't want this coffee?" Castle asked, tempting her by holding it out slightly before pulling it back.

He watched with bemusement as her eyebrows wrinkled together as she tried to fight it, but the aroma from the coffee won out and she was holding up her hands. "Well… as long as you made the trip," Beckett said with a sly smile, accepting the cup when he passed it to her.

Castle surreptitiously made sure their fingers brushed during the exchange, and he noticed how she blushed slightly. It started on her neck and worked its way up to her cheeks.

"I… I wouldn't… wouldn't want to waste good coffee," she added, her voice a little low and breathy, before she quickly tried to hide her blush by gripping the cup with both hands and drinking from it like it was ambrosia. It was so adorable.

"Oh, so you're admitting that I make good coffee, then?" he smirked.

Her eyebrows rose. "You… you made this?" she asked, her voice higher than normal. "I mean… you… you didn't buy it?"

"That's right," he smirked and plopped down into  _his_  chair, giving her a wiggle of his eyebrows.

Beckett looked at him for a moment, narrowing her eyes and scrutinizing him. "You're lying," she decided with a nod, but nonetheless took another long sip of her coffee, not even bothering to hide how much she enjoyed it. "Wherever you got it, thank you… it's the best coffee I have ever had."

"Or maybe," he said, being bold and placing his elbow against the edge of her desk, leaning closer to her, "it's the best, because of who brought it to you?"

She stared at him for a long moment, and then shrugged, sitting back in her chair. Beckett didn't give him an answer, but from the tight smile on her face, he knew what it was. And from his talk with Jim Beckett the other night, Castle now had a fairly good idea why she had pulled back. She thought she was unworthy of him. Which he thought was a preposterous notion. If she went through life like that, she'd never get anywhere. She was so worth it, and he was going to show her that, everyday if he had to.

There was a comfortable silence between them as she worked on some early morning paperwork. Castle leaned back in his chair, brought his cell phone out, played some Angry Birds and enjoyed his morning coffee.

"I didn't think I'd see you this morning," her voice, so sudden and unexpected, startled him, making his finger slip, sending a red bird completely in the wrong direction. He blinked and looked up at her, seeing her words mirrored in her eyes. "Especially after what I said."

"Well, our plans for today haven't changed… have they?" he asked, lowering his phone and forgetting about the game. This was much more important.

"No," she smiled slightly. "They haven't. Though, I have to admit, I am a little nervous."

Castle nodded. "It's a lot for him to take in," he agreed. "I still feel that honesty is the best policy… but… we can leave out the reasons why we never got married. I… I don't want to destroy his image of his mother."

Beckett looked away for a moment and nodded. He hated saying that out loud, but he needed too. And Castle thought she needed to hear it.

"Thank you," she murmured softly. "It… it means a lot to me that you're willing to leave that out."

"Yo, Beckett!" Esposito hollered from his desk as he and Ryan stood up. He held up a slip of paper. "We got a body."

"A case… goody!" Castle enthused while Beckett rolled her eyes at him.

The case was a nice distraction, and Castle seized it, knowing that they both needed something to keep their minds focused on when later that day they would be revealing a big truth to Alex, one that Castle hoped would help smooth things over between him and Beckett. He wanted her to see what he wanted… whom he wanted, and that she was indeed worth it. No matter what her own insecurities and feelings were, he was going to prove that him.

When they tracked down where the perp was, Beckett had actually allowed him to tag along for the takedown. It was so cool, watching as she and the boys kicked down the door and burst through, guns raised at the ready, shouting out "NYPD!" He had to wait a little, until the all clear had been called. But once it had, he rushed in to join them, wanting to feel what it felt like to collar the scumbag.

To ease Beckett's worries, Castle wore a bulletproof vest, one that he had purchased specifically for these tagalong duties with the detective. Emblazoned with the large white letters spelling out WRITER on the front and back, a little joke on his part, Castle's vest was top of the line. When he had first brought it out of the Crown Vic's trunk, he noticed that Beckett had smirked as he strapped it on and did a little turn to give her the complete view.

And now it was time. Ryan and Esposito were hauling the guy down to booking, and Castle and Beckett were returning to the precinct to grab their things before going out to pick Alex up from his school and then take him to Mal's. As they rode the elevator up to the squad room, Castle suddenly found himself feeling nervous and anxious. He remembered his own thoughts about growing up without a father and how he'd always imagined so many cool things. God, he hoped he wasn't a disappointment.

Sighing, he glanced over at Beckett, seeing that she had been watching him. She gave him a tight smile and then reached out to squeeze his arm, trying to comfort him. It was like she had read his mind, and when she spoke, he was positive she had.

"Don't worry, Rick," she said, using his first name. "He's going to be thrilled that you're his father."

Castle nodded, not entirely convinced. He had always imagined his father as being so cool spy or an astronaut… a hero. Never once had he imagined his father as a mystery novelist… granted, a bestselling mystery novelist… but still. He wasn't that great.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened. Beckett was out first and he followed. God… he loved following her. It gave him the perfect excuse to allow his eyes to drift down and admire the sway of her hips, the way her pants hugged her perfectly formed…

"Alex!" Beckett let out a surprised gasp. "Honey, what are you doing here?"

Castle blinked and looked up, immediately embarrassed that his eyes had been focused on Beckett's posterior and not on the fact that their son was sitting in her chair, a uniformed office standing by the side of her desk, watching over him.

Alex spun around in her chair and they both gasped. Beckett looked up to the uniform, who quickly informed her that Alex's school had called while they were out taking down the perp. Apparently Alexander had been in some sort of fight with some other kids and needed to be picked up. Since Beckett and her father were both unavailable, the school had contacted Captain Montgomery, who was on the emergency contact list. He had gone down to the school, picked the boy up and brought him back here.

"Alex, honey," Beckett said, kneeling down to eye level with their son, her hands running over his face, eyes fixated on the large bruise already forming on his right cheek. "What… what happened?"

"It… it was nothing, Mom," he said, averting his eyes.

"Alex," she grounded her teeth, giving him a stern look.

"Beckett," Castle murmured, touching her shoulder. She looked over at him and he shook his head. He recognized the look in Alex's eyes, and he knew immediately that whatever happened, it was not something the boy wanted to tell his mother.

Beckett sighed and brushed her hair back from her face. She stood up, squeezed Alex's arm, and then turned back to Castle. "I'm going to talk to Montgomery, see if he knows what happened."

"Okay," Castle nodded. "I'll stay with Alex."

"Alex, I'll be right back, okay? I'm just going to go talk with Uncle Roy," she informed their son.

He nodded, and grimaced when he felt the pain in his cheek. Beckett sighed and hesitated a moment before then rushing off to Montgomery's office. Castle waited a second or two after she had left before turning to Alex.

"Hey, why don't we get some ice on that, looks nasty," he offered his hand.

"Okay," Alex said with a nod and hopped off Beckett's chair and took Castle's hand, allowing him to lead the way to the break room.

XXX

_Kate sat anxiously in the chair, waiting her turn for her probation performance review. Before coming down to the station, she had made sure that her uniform was in top ship shape, and that everything was perfect. She had to apply more make-up than usual, mainly because her exhausted was too plain on her face. Plus, she often cried herself to sleep… since she seemed destined to go to bed alone. The sting of Castle marrying someone that was not her still hurt, and was hard to deal with._

_She tried going out on a date once with some guy from the city's clerical office. They had bumped into each other quite often during the past year, since Detective Hennessey would send her out to escort the evidence boxes to the city's storage centers. The guy was nice and he'd been attractive, but they just didn't click, and if Kate was honest, she was still not completely over Richard Castle… probably never would be. Plus, some guys got scared off the minute she mentioned her son._

_Needless to say, her dating life had been rather pathetic during the last year. She had only had that one date, and when it came to her sex life… well, let's just say her vibrator was well used. Didn't help that every night she still dreamed of her time with Castle, and of what it would be like to be with him once again, with the whole truth out in the open, and having him waiting for her when she returned home, Alexander sitting patiently at the table as Castle cooked them a breakfast-style dinner._

_Oh… she'd like that kind of nightly homecoming. However, she always woke up to find the cold hard reality waiting for her, hitting her like a sledgehammer. In a year or two, Alex would be starting kindergarten, and her dad was helping her look at the plethora of schools in New York. They had both been saving and pulling the money that had so they could send Alex to a nice prep school once he was ready._

" _You nervous?" a voice broke through her thoughts._

_Kate tilted her head and looked at Esposito, who had been assigned to their unit six months ago, sitting next to her in the hall._

" _A little… you?" she said, turning her head more fully to look at him._

_He shrugged. "When you've been in the middle of a war zone, somehow a room full of cap'ns doesn't bother you so much."_

_Kate let out a tight chuckle. "Perhaps," she inclined her head, but she noticed the way his leg kept bouncing on his foot. The chairs were placed close together, so she could feel the impacts of his shaking leg._

" _Okay, I'm nervous," he admitted with a scowl. "Been a while since I had something as routine as a performance review that didn't involve gunfire and shouts going on in the background."_

_She looked at him, and nodded. Javier Esposito wasn't new to the job; he'd just been overseas, fighting in the armed forces. He had been in her graduating class at the Academy, so she remembered a little about him. But once they had graduated, he'd been assigned to a different precinct. Now they were both in for their performance review and reassignment. At least that is what Beckett had learned through the grapevine… that this meeting with the department heads would result in reassignment. Royce was retiring at the end of the month, and having been his partner for the majority of her short career, she assumed that she'd most likely be moved to a new district… a way to show that she'd passed her probation period as a trainee._

" _Beckett, you're up," Lieutenant Kinney called from the door._

" _Good luck," Esposito said, glancing up at her as she stood and adjust her cap under her arm._

" _You too," she replied with a nod before ducking past the lieutenant and into the room._

_Sitting at the table before the lone solitary chair were the heads of all the major police squads, including homicide, robbery, and vice of the 32nd Precinct. She noticed that Hennessey, her current supervising officer, who had recently been promoted to lieutenant, was seated next to a tall African-American man with a thin mustache and balding crown. She'd never seen him before._

" _Have a seat, Officer Beckett," the head of the group, Captain Moss said._

" _Sir," she nodded._

_Moss had been her captain since her first day out of the Academy, and had supervised Mike Royce's training of her. Taking a seat, Kate placed her cap in her lap, resting her hands on top of it as she waited for the review to begin. She noticed that both Hennessey and the other man were looking at her, and were speaking in hushed voices to one another._

" _Officer Beckett," Captain Moss spoke, calling her attention back to him. "You've been with us for over two years now, and your training officer has certified you as an exemplary officer." He paused and shifted the papers before him. "Now that your probation period is officially over, it is time to permanently assign you to a squad."_

" _You've done good work with all the departments, homicide in particular," Lieutenant Lawson spoke up, leaning forward. "But we've been talking about maybe having you work Vice for a while."_

_Beckett raised her eyebrow, and looked towards Moss for confirmation. "Vice, sir?"_

" _Yes," Moss nodded, exchanging a look with Lieutenant Lawson, whom she now figured was the head of Vice here at the 32_ _nd_ _Precinct._

" _You could be an asset to Vice, Officer," Lawson put in, leaning forward._

" _This has nothing to do with the fact that you're an attractive young woman, of_ _course," Moss interjected, smiling ironically, since the fact that she_ was  _an attractive young woman had everything to do with it._

_She nodded. "So, am I being assigned to Vice, then?"_

_Moss opened his mouth to speak, when suddenly the man whom Hennessey had been speaking in hushed tones with spoke up. "You can, yes," he said. "But Lieutenant Hennessey here has been speaking very highly in regards to your duties for his homicide squad here at the 32nd." He leaned forward. "Can I ask you a question, Officer?"_

" _Of course, sir."_

" _Would you like to continue in homicide?"_

" _Yes, sir, I would," she nodded. Out of all the squads they've put her in during her probation period, she had found the most reward working homicide. She didn't actually investigate or solve the crimes, but she played a part, and it gave her a sense that in some small way she was helping to bring families closure… a sense of closure she never got with her own mother's murder._

_The man looked at her for a long moment and then nodded. She watched as he leaned forward and exchanged a silent conversation with Captain Moss. She watched as her captain thought about it, and listened to an objection from Lieutenant Lawson, who very clearly wanted her for Vice. Hennessey spoke again, and Moss nodded, his decision made._

" _We're going to be transferring you to the 12_ _th_ _Precinct, Officer Beckett," Moss informed her. "Where you shall be assigned to the homicide department and work under the lead detective there."_

_Moss looked down at the papers before him. He shuffled through them and then passed one down to the man sitting besides Hennessey. The older man glanced up at Kate for a while and then looked back down at the paper before signing it. The paper then made its way back to Moss, who took a stamp out and made it official. He held the papers up and Kate knew she was being given permission to stand._

" _Here are your orders, Officer Beckett," Moss said. "You'll report to Detective_ _Hobbes at the 12_ _th_ _Precinct on Monday morning."_

" _Yes, sir," Beckett nodded and accepted the papers. She glanced down at them and smiled. It was official. She was no longer a rookie cop._

_Hennessey nodded with satisfaction, and stood. "Congratulations, Beckett," he said, smiling and extending his hand._

_Kate returned his firm handshake. "Thank you, sir," she said. "For everything."_

" _You'll do good, Beckett," Hennessey said, and nodded towards the door. "Tell Kinney to send in Esposito."_

" _Yes, sir," Kate said and turned, pausing briefly to cast a glance at the man sitting besides Hennessey who had single handily stolen her from Vice._

_She walked out of the room, slowly pushing the door open and stepping out into the hallway. Kinney looked up at her and she nodded, casting a glance in Esposito's direction. "You're next, Espo," she called out._

_Esposito shifted in his chair then stood up. "How'd it go?"_

" _Good," she gave a nod. "I've been assigned to the homicide squad at the 12_ _th_ _Precinct."_

" _Whoa… that's a plum assignment, Beckett," Esposito whistled. "Next time we meet, you'll probably be a junior detective or something."_

_She smiled. "Maybe."_

_As she walked out of the station, Kate was feeling upbeat… more so than she had in the past couple of months. Suddenly the future didn't seem so bad. She had her son, her dad, and now the prospect of a rewarding career helping those whom needed closure find just that. She had been given the weekend off, and then on Monday, she'd present herself to Detective Hobbes at the 12th Precinct for her new duties._

_Kate wasn't kidding herself. She knew that most of it would be evidence collecting, canvassing scenes, looking for witnesses, tracking down suspects, and other monotonous tasks, but at least she'd be making a difference. And besides, it was much better than anything she'd have to do in Vice… of that much, she was sure._

_As she strolled down the sidewalk, tall and strong—proud, and for the first time in a long while, Kate felt like she didn't need her past relationship with Richard Castle to define her._


	13. Chapter 13

They entered the break room, and Castle let go of Alexander's hand. The young boy immediately went to the table, pulled a chair out, and sat down, placing his backpack on the flat surface. Castle watched him for a moment before turning to the community refrigerator and rummaging through it for some ice. Luckily they were in a police station, so there was already an icepack in the freezer specifically for this sort of thing. He could just imagine Ryan or Esposito needing it after wrestling with a drunken suspect as they tried getting him down to holding.

Grabbing the icepack in his hand, he shivered.  _Boy, that's cold._  Castle turned to the sink, and looked around for a cloth. He found one, and then dismissed it, as it was too dirty.  _No way I'm using this with my son… shit… my son!_  He turned and looked back at Alex, who was watching him with curious blue eyes that were so much like his own, but also held a quality in them that was undeniably Beckett. He sighed and turned back around, located paper towels and grabbed as much as them as was appropriate. He wrapped the icepack in the towels and turned on his heels to face the young boy.

Stepping over, Castle handed the icepack to the kid. Alex took it with a nod and held it up to the bruise on his cheek. He grimaced slightly when the cold touched his skin, but then he relaxed. Alex cautiously looked up at Castle as he grabbed one of the chairs and spun it around to sit in front of the boy as casually as possible. Castle was going to talk to Alex… man to man, and find out what had happened. He was just as concerned as Beckett. Even though he really didn't know Alex like she did, the boy was still his son, and it pained him to see him hurt.

"So, Alex… wanna tell me what happened?" Castle asked as calmly as possible, trying to sound nonchalant.

Alex looked up at him and furrowed his brow, looking so much like Beckett in the process. "Wanna tell me why you're following my mom?" the boy asked instead, shocking Castle.

He gaped, completely caught off guard by the question. Clearing his throat, Castle shifted in his chair and looked up as he thought. "I… er… I'm writing a new series of books in which I have a female detective that's like your mom," he answered. "I guess you could say I was inspired by her."

"Oh," Alex replied, blinking and hissed slightly as he adjusted the icepack. "Is that all? You two aren't like… dating or anything?"

"Um… no, we're… we're just friends," Castle answered cautiously, scratching the side of his head.

"Really? Because I've seen some things in the newspaper," Alex frowned. "So… are you just trying to sleep with my mom?"

"What?" he gasped, and leaned back, feeling extremely awkward. He had meant to question the boy; instead, Castle found himself being the one interrogated… in a very Beckett-like manner at that. He swallowed, and looked around the room, trying to find something that would allow him to steer this conversation in a different direction. He certainly couldn't answer with the truth… that would just be too traumatizing for the boy. And if there was one thing Castle wanted, it was to not have this be traumatizing for Alex. He wanted his son to be able to look him in the eyes without shuddering.

"Well?" Alex raised an eyebrow and gave him a look that mirrored the glare Castle had seen Beckett give suspects so many times in the interrogation room. It was kind of eerie. In fact, this glare looked very similar to the one that Beckett had thrown his way when she'd hauled him down to the station for questioning in regard to the Tisdale case.

Castle leaned back and tried to chuckle, but it fell flat. He grimaced and made a face. "Come on, Alex," he protested, running his fingers nervously through his hair. "There's no real way I can answer that."

Alex gave a brief nod, as if Castle's no comment was in fact an affirmative to his question. This kid was simply beyond his years. It reminded him of Alexis. Yep, these two were definitely siblings… both old souls trapped in young bodies. That made him smile. It was oddly comforting to see that despite never being raised together, the two were clearly related.

But Castle needed to steer this conversation off in a different direction. He was already getting dangerously close to slipping and allowing his mind to wander towards images of exactly what he wanted from Beckett. And that was not something he wanted to happen while he was sitting across from his son.

"Um… look, Alex, let's talk about this," he tried to change the subject, gesturing to his own cheek in relation to where the bruise was on Alex's face.

The boy sighed. "I had a disagreement with some other boys at school."

"Oh, what sort of disagreement?" Castle questioned, desperately trying to not sound overly parental… at least not yet.

Alex looked up at him as if debating whether or not to say anything. The way his brow furrowed as he concentrated reminded him of Alexis, but there was also a healthy bit of Beckett in that expression as well. It was a nice melding, he thought. If they had stayed together, they'd probably have had a lot more children… all of whom would be beautiful, he had no doubt.

A sigh from his son pulled him back to the present. "I… I sometimes get picked on at school," Alex admitted.

"Any particular reason why?" Castle asked, wondering who would want to pick on such a wonderful kid.

"I don't have a dad," Alex said. "I mean, I do… obviously. Just… he's never been around, and my mom… she never really talks about him. Well, she does, but nothing about  _him_ … just about how she loved him and such."

Castle nodded, swallowing hard. He emphasized with how Alex must feel. He'd gone through the same thing as a child. Never knowing who his father was had been hard. And he would always wonder if his father had even really cared for him and his mother. And Alex's only real knowledge of his father was the same Castle had received from his own mother… that she had loved him.

He wanted to reassure the boy, to tell him that he did have a father, and that his father did care… just… Castle didn't know how to explain things without casting a bad light on Beckett, or himself for that matter. They had both been foolish back then, each differently, but nonetheless foolish. He knew he had a good reason for not being around… but then that would paint Beckett as the bad guy, since she had never once informed him of her pregnancy or the birth of Alexander, and Castle wasn't willing to do that to her.

"So…," Castle drawled out the word and pointed towards the bruise on Alex's cheek. "This argument… did it have something to do with that?"

Alex gave a lopsided grin, one that had a cockiness to it that Castle recognized as being similar to the kind he once had when he was that age. Hell, he still had that cocky. This kid was so his son. "You think this is bad, you should see Reggie Elverson," he replied, his voice a little proud.

Castle let out an easy chuckle, though he still shook his head. He should probably reprimand Alex for hitting this Reggie Elverson. But first, Castle wanted to find out why he had hit him in the first place.

"So," he took a breath. "What happened with this Reggie Elverson?"

Alex narrowed his eyes and bit his lower lip, looking as if he was debating whether or not to share this with him. "Mr. Castle?"

"Yes."

"If I tell you, can you promise not to tell my mom?" he asked, his voice filled with worry.

Castle's heart nearly stopped. Did he really want to make such a promise? If it was something bad, he should tell Beckett, right? But he was also the boy's father… so he had a right to hide something from Beckett if it was for the boy's best interest. Deciding that he wanted to start building a kind of camaraderie with his son (even if Alex did not yet know that he was his father), Castle inclined his head and made a zipping gesture with his hands over his lips.

"My lips are sealed," he promised.

Alex sighed. "Reggie… he called mom some bad names."

"Like what?"

Alex shifted uncomfortably. "There bad words… I won't get in trouble, will I?"

"No, you won't," Castle said, leaning over and giving the boy's shoulder a gentle squeeze.

He nodded and shifted the icepack a little. "Reggie said that since I didn't know who my father was… that it meant mom was a slut, and that she'd probably slept with so many guys that she didn't know who was my dad, even if she tried," Alex let it all out in a quick breath, his face contorted in a distressed expression.

Castle gaped. Since when did kids this age learn such language? He scowled. This Reggie Elverson probably heard it from his home. His parents were probably having a nasty divorce or something. That's the only thing Castle could come up with when he tried to think of the reason why a kid that age would know such a word. Well, it was either that… or television.

"And what happened after that?" he forced himself to remain in the conversation.

"I… I told him that he was wrong," Alex said, his eyes brimming to unshed tears. "But he kept going, and he wouldn't stop. He said that since my mom's so young, that she was probably a teen when she had me. Got knocked up and scared my dad off by being needy. But he was wrong… he was! I have a dad… I do! Even… even if I've never met him." He paused and heaved in a breath, sniffling. "So… I punched his lying face."

Castle watched as the young boy succumbed to his emotions and let his tears fall out. Before he knew it, Castle was on his knees before Alex, wrapping his arms around him and soothing him like he had when Alexis had been teased when she was at this age. God, kids could be so cruel. He never remembered it being this bad when he was that age. Sure, he'd been picked on, but he'd never heard kids call his mother such names until junior high. And by then, he was ready to attack back with some awesome wit… not to mention a good uppercut punch.

"Alex," Castle let out a breath, not sure what to say. He searched the room with his eyes, trying to come up with something. But he couldn't… at least not something that would give away the secret that he'd promised in his heart that he'd only share when Beckett was present. It was, after all, her choices and decisions that had put them in this position.

Alex sniffled and looked up at him. And then it hit him. It was so obvious. He knew  _exactly_ how Alex felt.

"Alex, I never knew my father… still don't," Castle said. He paused and a half smile formed. "When I was around your age, a kid at my school… Tommy Deacons… he called my mother the same things that Reggie Elverson called your mom."

"And what did you do?" Alex asked, wiping at his nose.

Castle chuckled. "Same thing you did. Though, I gotta say, you came out a lot better than I did."

Alex laughed softly. "Was your mom angry?"

"Yeah, a little… but not for long," he said, sighing and squeezing the boy's shoulder. "She understood… it was just her and me versus the world… and we fought the world."

Alex smiled. "My mom and grandpa… and me, we're kind of like that," he said. The boy sighed and sniffled again.

Castle stood and sat back on his chair. "Those kids, they're just bullies," he said. "They don't know what they're talking about." He smirked. "They're probably just jealous of you."

"Jealous?"

"Yeah… I mean, they've got their dads, but you… you're dad can be anyone you wanted him to be," Castle enthused, getting lost in his own childhood memories of imagining all the awesome and cool things he'd pictured his own father as being.

Alex sniffled and adjusted the icepack. "You… you mean, he could be like you?" he asked, startling Castle out of his reverie.

He gulped and glanced at Alex. "Me?"

"Yeah," Alex nodded and smiled shyly. "I mean... you're like this cool author who gets to do whatever he wants. You get to go to parties with the mayor and celebrities… and you've got legions of fans… my mom's one of them!"

Castle chuckled. He loved getting this inside scoop on Beckett, hearing how much of a fan she really was. It warmed his heart to know that no matter how hurt she had been by him not revealing his true identity during their time together, she had still followed and supported his work… and in a sense, supported him as well.

"Hey… maybe I could just tell them that you're my dad," Alex suddenly suggested, his eyes brightening at the idea.

"Wa… what?" Castle choked, coming back to reality… hitting it hard. Alex's grin was so very much like one he had at that age. Castle fought the urge to cave in right there and tell the boy he was right.

"If you were my dad," Alex paused and looked off into space for a moment, and sighed. "That would just be so cool… because then it'd be like you were around… all the time. Mom is constantly reading you books and going onto your fan forums, not to mention all the autograph stuff she has… so you're like all over the house. Always there."

"I am?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "She even has one of those cardboard cutouts, you know… the kind they have at bookstores." The boy chuckled and shook his head, obviously remembering some memory. "She tried hiding it in the closet when she bought it, but I found out about. Me and grandpa teased her like crazy."

Castle nodded, a smile slowly growing over his face.

"Oh… and you know those commemorative posters they made a while ago for your first Derrick Storm novels?" Alex asked. Castle inclined his head, remembering when Black Pawn had talked him into the idea. "Well, mom's got them all… framed and up on the wall in her room."

"She does?" Castle quirked up an eyebrow. Oh, he was so loving this. Alex just seemed to be a wealth of information when it came to how Detective Beckett was secretly a huge fan girl.

"Yeah," Alex nodded. "So you see, it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to say that you're my father, right?"

Castle sighed, not really understanding the kid's logic. He couldn't claim to be Alex's father solely by the fact that he'd been there, in some strange form or another, throughout the boy's life. There was a part of him that understood the strange reasoning behind it, but Castle could not understand why Alex seemed so fixated on the idea. He looked up, not wanting to ask this, but knowing he had to, at least for the moment, keeping with the secret that he shared with the boy's mother.

"Wouldn't you like someone else?" he asked. "I mean, Alex, if you're just going to pick someone… you can do much better than me."

Alex shrugged. "Grandpa says you make my mom happy. Happier than he's ever seen her," the boy responded. "So, if I had to pick anyone in the world to be my dad… I'd pick someone that makes my mom happy."

"Oh, Alexander…"

Both Castle and Alex paused, going completely still. Almost in sync, they both turned to see Beckett standing in the doorway, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. The boy immediately turned red, the blush hiding the dark coloring of his bruise. Castle sucked in a breath and scooted back in his chair as Beckett came over to them, kneeling down beside Alex. She brought up a shaking hand and ran it through the boy's unruly brown hair.

"I… I had no idea," she said in a soft quivering voice. "No idea how much this has affected you, Alex. Why… why didn't you tell me?"

"Uh… Beckett?" Castle questioned.

She glanced at him and raised an eyebrow.

"How… how much did you hear?" he asked.

"Enough," was her response. She turned back to Alexander, and fussed over him as only a mother could. She tested his bruise, and the boy grimaced and looked embarrassed as she continued to smother him with her maternal concern. He arched his neck and glanced across at Castle, as if asking for rescue.

"We should tell him," Castle let out a breath, leaning forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees. "Tell him, Beckett."

"Tell me what?" Alex asked, looking between his mother and Castle.

Beckett sighed and shifted back on her knees, running her hands through her hair. "Alex… I'm sorry about what those boys said at school," she said. "But their wrong. They are. You have a dad, and… and he's right here… Richard Castle… he  _is_  your father."

Alex blinked, his mouth dropping as he looked back and forth between them. "Really?"

Beckett nodded, her eyes blinking quickly as she tried to hold back tears. "Yes," she affirmed. "It… it was a long time ago… and… and he would have been in our lives… but… but I—"

"Beckett… Kate," Castle interrupted, placing a hand on her shoulder. "You don't have too."

"Yes, I do," she snapped at him, giving him a little glare. He smiled meekly. No matter the circumstances, he would always love that glare. Beckett sighed and rubbed her hands along her face, composing herself.

"Mom?"

Looking up into her son's eyes, Beckett sucked in a quick breath. "I ran… when… when I was pregnant with you… I ran away, and… and I never told Castle about you. If he had known," she turned and looked at him with a longing expression, as if she was remembering everything and all she had hoped for if things had gone differently. "If he had known," she continued, turning back to Alex, "he would have been there… for every step, every diaper change… for all of it."

Castle nodded. "I would," he confirmed in a solemn and soft voice.

Alex gulped and leaned back in the chair, looking completely stunned and shocked. Then, after a minute or so, as he consumed the information, this little smile grew across his face, one that seemed to mirror so many Castle had seen on the boy's mother when he had only known her as Jane.

"Ah… this is so cool!" he exclaimed.

"Cool?" Beckett coughed, startled, blinking and glancing back and forth between her son and his father.

"Yeah, cool," Alex asserted, repeating himself. "I mean, now I really can tell the kids at school that Richard Castle is my dad and it wouldn't be a fib."

"Wa… what? He was going to tell people you were his father?" Beckett glanced back at him.

Castle gave her a look and smirked, shrugging. "I thought you said you were listening… if you had been, you'd have heard all that," he said.

"I… I did," she frowned, her nose wrinkling in the most adorable sort of way. "I guess it just really hadn't sunk in what was being said." And then she turned on Alex. "And wait a minute, young man… you were going to lie about who your father was?"

Alex raised his eyebrows in alarm and shook his head. "Ain't a lie, Mom," he said with a very Castle-like smirk. "Not anymore."

Beckett let out a snort and rolled her eyes. She looked over her shoulder at Castle. "He's so much like you!" she said it like it was almost an accusation.

"Is that a bad thing?" Castle inquired with a quirk of his eyebrow.

Beckett gave him a tight smile and shook her head, the smile actually reaching her eyes, which sparkled. "No… not really."

"So…," Alex said, leaning back and adjusting the icepack on his cheek, looking hopeful. "Any more news you guys have for me?"

"Um, yes," Castle nodded, exchanging a look with Beckett. "You… um… you have a half-sister."

"I do?"

"Yes," Beckett nodded. "Her name's Alexis… and she's a very smart and beautiful young woman."

"She's older than me, then?"

"Yes, she's fifteen," Castle confirmed with a nod.

"Are… are we going to be a family now?" Alex asked, looking between his parents, his brow slightly creased in confusion. "I mean… we're going to live together and stuff, right?"

"Oh, honey… it's… um… it's complicated," Beckett answered, running her hand up and down his arm, giving it a light squeeze. "But, yes… we'll be a family. Even if we're a little dysfunctional… we'll be a family."

Alex sighed with what looked like relief. Castle wondered if the boy had been worried that this was all he was going to get… the truth and that alone. Castle smiled and absently glanced down at his watch.

"Hey, how about we go and grab a bite at Mal's and then we can go back to the Loft and have a… er… family reunion?" he offered.

Beckett knitted her eyebrows together and stared at him for a long moment. He could see her debating this in her head. She had already agreed to Mal's, but this thing with going to the Loft so that Alex could meet his sister and grandmother… this was something Castle had added without telling her.

"Oh yeah! Can we, Mom?" Alex enthused, excitement showing on his face.

Castle watched as Beckett bit her lower lip and gave him a look that promised he'd get payback for this. Castle smirked. Oh… how his mind just went to something else entirely.

"Sure, honey," Beckett said, smiling up at Alex and rubbing his arm. "Let me just go finish up some quick paperwork, and then we can go. Okay?" Alex nodded. "And why don't you start work on some of your homework."

Alex feigned a pout, but nodded. "Okay, Mom," he said, shifting in his chair and using one hand—as the other was still occupied holding up the icepack—to open his backpack and take his binders and schoolbooks out.

Castle got up and followed Beckett out of the break room. They paused and looked back, watching silently as Alex began working on some math problems. Castle could feel the tension just spring up between them as he glanced back in her direction.

"That… um… went better than expected," he put forth, adding in a light chuckle, hoping to lighten the mood.

Beckett sighed and gave a nod, raking her fingers through her hair. "Yeah… it did," she breathed out. "God, Castle, I had no idea how much it hurt him not to have a father… and… and that he was picked on at school because of it." She paused and frowned. "I should probably call the principle."

"Hey, no big deal," Castle tried to reassure her. He pushed his luck and brought a hand up to rub her arm. She stiffened, but then relaxed and accepted his comfort. "It was the same for me at his age. He'll get over it. Trust me. And now it's not a problem at all. He's got a father now."

"And a sister… and a grandmother," Beckett blew out a breath, looking away and frowning. "God, I never really thought all this through. And… and asking if we were going to live together…" She blinked and looked up at him with big eyes. God, he loved her eyes. He could get lost in them. They were so big right now, so pleading… beseeching him for help.

"It's not too far a stretch, is it?" he asked.

Beckett blinked, startled by his response. She shook her head and stepped back, out of his reach. "We can't, Castle," she told him, averting her eyes, her expression dropping to one of immense sorrow and regret. "I'm sorry. But… we can't." She swallowed hard and forced herself to look up at him.

He sighed, and closed his eyes, mimicking her and breathing heavily as he forced himself to return her gaze. "Kate…?"

"No," she shook her head and brought a hand up hesitantly, before touching the side of his face.

Castle held his breath, his eyes closing as he eased into her touch. It was electrifying, feeling her fingers on his face, touching him in such an intimate fashion that spoke volumes to how much they knew one another.

"I'm sorry," she said again. "Please… don't let this ruin things for Alex? We can still be friends… even… even if we aren't together… like that."

"But I want that," he protested, not even bothering to hide the emotion in his voice. "I do."

"I know," Beckett averted her eyes. "And I'm sorry. But I… I can't."

Her hand slowly dropped away and she visibly shook as she heaved in a deep breath. Castle could see tears forming in her eyes and he wanted so bad to pull her into his arms and comfort her, tell her that all her worrying was silly, that he wanted her and believed her to be beyond worthy of the love he had for her.

"Okay," he said, swallowing hard as he forced himself to retain eye contact with her. "But answer me this, Kate… is that what you really want? Or are you just running away…  _again_ … from what you really feel?"

"What I feel?" Beckett let out a heavy sigh. "Castle… I don't… maybe back then. But no… I mean... I'll always care about you because of our time together, and for giving me Alex, but now… no… I don't. I… I value you as a friend… and as the father of my son, but beyond that… we just can't, Castle… we can't be anything more."

Castle sighed, and shook his head. She was being stubborn, just like Jim Beckett had told him she'd be, and denying what she really felt. It was so frustrating, he just wanted to reach out and shake it out of her. But he restrained himself.  _Baby steps, Rick_ , he told himself.  _Baby steps_.

Wiping at her eyes to hide the fact that she'd been crying, Beckett gave him a weak smile. "I'll just go finish up on some stuff and then we'll go out to Mal's… and then the Loft, with Martha and Alexis—"

"And your dad," Castle interjected. When she gave him a confused look, he grinned widely at her. "He's family, too, Beckett. When we do this, it's going to be  _all_  of us."

She nodded. "Okay… and thanks," she nodded towards Alex. "For earlier… talking to him. It… it was nice of you."

"He's my son, Kate," Castle said, using her first name for emphasis. "I wouldn't have done any differently."

Beckett inclined her head, conceding the point. And then she turned and slowly stepped back to her desk, dropping down in her chair and turning on her computer to file her report. Castle sighed and shook his head, slumping his shoulders. He turned and looked back into the break room to see Alex looking over at him, his eyes were big and sad.  _Don't worry, kid,_ Castle thought.  _I'll win you're mom over and we'll all be family… I promise._

XXX

_God… it was frustrating. Detective Hobbes—what a jackass! She corrected him once, just about something really insignificant, and he got pissed as hell, accusing her of trying to undermine his authority amongst the squad. Next thing she knew, Hobbes was assigning her on nothing short of corpse watch—at least that's what the other uniforms called it. Basically she'd stay with the body until the M.E. arrived to take it away. One good thing came out of that though… she met Dr. Lanie Parish. She was sassy and blunt, and Kate simply adored her._

" _Hey girl!" Lanie would holler every time she arrived with the gurney to pick up the body. "How you doing?"_

" _Good," Kate normally replied. Then they'd talk, about anything and everything. And it was great._

_It was probably the only true friendship Kate had ever had in years, and she relished it. Sometimes, when they both clocked out at the same time, they'd go out for drinks or food. Lanie even attended one of the Beckett Game Nights. Alex took to her easily, and Lanie was soon a regular._

_However, there was one thing she didn't like that Lanie did… and that was when she tried to set Kate up on dates. Most of them were doctors, lawyers, or firemen… she didn't mind the firemen, some of them were hot, but she really didn't feel like dating… not yet. And Castle remained the only man she had slept with since having Alexander… and somehow, she liked that, and wanted to preserve that for as long as possible, until she found the right man… a man who could be everything she needed—not deserved or wanted—but needed._

_Presently, Kate had to get out of the house. She just had too. She had had a stressful day at work. Hobbes was still riding her, and not giving her a break, and she had almost broken down in the locker room. Lanie was busy, so she had just gone home, only to be met with Alex having some sort of tantrum. Jim informed her that Alex had seen some other kids at the preschool getting picked up by their fathers, and he was confused as to where_ his  _was. Kate just couldn't deal with that right now… she just couldn't._

" _Just go for a walk, Katie. I'll deal with this," Jim told her, his frustration heavy in his voice. She knew he still disapproved of her never telling Richard Castle... that much was clear every time something like this happened._

_It was frustrating and depressing. Whenever this happened, which was quite often right now, Kate would feel the weight of guilt over how she had simply ran away. Her emotions and thoughts were still conflicted on the issues. Part of her still felt like she had been used by a rich playboy author, while the other half simply wanted to give in, call him, and ask his forgiveness. She secretly still yearned for his touch… probably always would._

_What really bugged her about this was that Kate had thought she had gotten past it... that she had moved on… at least, emotionally. But apparently, she hadn't. And whenever Alexander had one of his fits concerning a lack of a father, she fell back on the wagon, so to speak. She couldn't trust herself when she was like this. She really couldn't. So she understood why her dad had told her to go for a walk. Didn't help that she'd walk herself to a bookstore and start browsing the mystery section for one of_ his  _books. Whenever she was in this state, it always helped to read something_ he  _wrote._

_Sighing, Kate relented to her strange sadistic habit, and grabbed one of his books off the shelf. She looked around, spotted the in-store café, and went to stand in line. She'd get a cup of coffee and read… that… that would calm her down._

_She paid for her coffee and sat down at one of the small tables, slowly flipping through the book and drinking from the rich brew. She knew almost all his books by heart, but she still loved to read them. Absently, she turned back to the title page and traced her fingers over the text._ Storm Season…  _the second in the Derrick Storm novels._

 _Kate turned the page and stopped. All the times she read this books, she had never really looked at the dedication. Actually, most of the time, she'd just skip them, not wanting to see who was in Richard Castle's favor at the time of printing. Though, she knew that was being overly harsh. From the chatter on the fan forums, Kate knew that Castle only dedicated his books to people he really cared about. So, when Kate had turned the page and finally looked upon the dedication for_ Storm Season _, she was quite literally stunned silent._

 _The dedication was simple, but direct:_ To Jane. Wherever you are… you are always in my thoughts.

_This… this simple dedication was enough to bring her to tears. She didn't care that she was in the middle of a public bookstore, sitting alone in the café… all she could do was cry at how meaningful this dedication was, and at the implied feelings behind it. Oh, she had read him wrong… so wrong. Richard Castle thought more of her than she had of herself. He would never have dedicated a book to a plaything… a toy. No… he wouldn't. It was not in his nature… not the author she knew, or the man she loved._

_Kate lowered her head into her hands and heaved in a shaky breath. "Oh… I was such a fool…," she murmured softly. "Such a fool."_


	14. Chapter 14

This was his element. It was where he excelled, and it just made it all the more sweet that her arm was draped through his… resting comfortably, as if it belonged there. And damn… did she look good in that dress he had picked out for her. His eyes feasted on all the skin… so much. If he weren't careful, he'd get smacked in the side of the head for staring at her chest. He could help it, though. She simply glowed in that dress.

And the necklace that his mother gave her to wear was just stunning around her neck. In fact, Castle believed that the diamonds only seemed to shine more brilliant because of their proximity to her. He found himself lost in the sheer overwhelming beauty that was his Jane… whoa… Kate, he meant Kate. Sometimes, he still found it hard to differentiate the two names in his mind. No matter the name, though, she was still the woman he loved, had loved since that month they had been together.

Beckett had initially scoffed at the idea of attending the charity ball with him when he announced that he had two tickets. In fact, he wouldn't have attended, but since the case they were working on just so happened to overlap, Castle took advantaged of the situation.

She surprised him when they walked down the red carpet. She was all grace and poise, stunning and gorgeous. Even the two knuckleheads (Ryan and Esposito) were slacked jawed by how different the badass Detective Kate Beckett looked in the sumptuous red dress. As the cameras flashed and they smiled, stopping and posing just like they had always been together, Castle was struck with how perfectly in sync they were.

As they descended the stairs into the ballroom, Beckett's hand tightened on his arm, and he glanced over at her, noticing her eyes, he followed her gaze and quickly found what had distressed her so.

"Oh my god, Castle… it's the mayor!" she gasped in a low voice.

"Yeah, cool, ain't it!" he enthused, grinning widely. "Come on, I'll introduce you."

"What? Castle… wait—" but he was already pulling her over.

"Bob!" Castle called out, gaining the mayor's attention.

Robert Weldon—Bob to his friends, the Mayor of New York City, turned around and smiled widely. "Rick! Great to see you again." Castle shook Bob's hand and stepped back as the mayor appraised in the tall brunette standing besides him. "And who's this?"

"Detective Kate Beckett, Your Honor," Beckett said, very formal and proper. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

The mayor took her hand in two of his in a typical politician hand shake. "Rick's told me quite a lot about you."

"He… uh, has?" she frowned for a second and glanced over at him. Castle merely grinned, watching her interaction with the mayor.

"Only good things, I can assure you, Detective," Bob said, smiling. He released her hand and turned back to Castle. "I had a great time last night at poker, we should do it again soon… and perhaps you could invite Detective Beckett. We need new blood if we're to stop Markway. He's been on a hot streak."

Castle gave a nod of his head and grinned. "Not a bad idea, Bob."

"Great, Rick… catch you later, then," the mayor said, patting Castle on the shoulder. He turned to Beckett and grinned. "It was a pleasure to meet you, Detective."

"Likewise, Your Honor," she said, inclining her head.

And then the mayor was gone, mingling with the crowd. Castle pursed his lips in a tight smile and slipped his arm around Beckett's waist, giving her a sidelong glance as he registered the shock on her face. He was thrilled that she didn't seem to nice how close they had suddenly become.

"Oh my freaking god," she stammered. "Castle… that… that was the mayor."

"Yeah," he agreed, smiling with bemusement.

Beckett huffed and gave his chest a playful smack with her hand, adding a quick little glare. "You're on a first name basis with him, and obviously Judge Markway, and… and you've been talking about me to them?"

"Hey, only good things, remember? Bob said I only said good things," Castle objected with a feigned pout.

Beckett shook her head and exhaled, still appearing to be overwhelmed with the fact that she had just met the mayor. Her eyes narrowed and he remained quiet, giving her the time she needed to come to terms with what had just happened. He knew that this was his celebrity side rearing its ugly head, but honestly, he thought they had gotten past that… at least, he hoped.

"Um… hey, Castle, let's split up and mingle, see what we can find out," she said.

"Sure," he said, and looked over at the bar. "Want anything to drink?"

Beckett looked at him with raised eyebrows. "I'm on duty, Castle," she murmured in a low voice.

"Yeah, but you're undercover, might as well blend in," he offered with a slight grin and a hopeful raise of an eyebrow.

"No, I'm fine… just go and… observe, that's what you're supposed to be doing," she furrowed her brow in the most adorable way and looked at him. "This isn't a date, Castle… it's work," she added, as if he needed the clarification.

"Okay, I know," he slipped his arm away from her waist and sighed, already missing the contact.

They parted and mingled amongst the crowd, chatting with people, while keeping an eye out for anything suspicious. At one point, Castle noticed Beckett engaged in conversation with another woman, and during one point in the conversation, Beckett unconsciously looked over at him and their eyes locked. At that moment, he knew that somehow he'd become the topic of that particular conversation.

She quickly looked away and returned her focus back on the woman. He watched her for a moment before turning away and continuing his own sleuthing. Twenty minutes past, and he was growing bored, having had his ear talked off by Rachel Maddox, the charity's Head of Development, so he searched the crowd for Beckett and easily spotted her. It had been a smart move putting her in that red dress, she simply shone in it. Of course, he wouldn't mind taking her back home and helping her undress.

Shaking his head, trying to clear it of such thoughts and focus on the task at hand, Castle thought of something. It was devious, he knew, but it could kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. So, with his idea in mind, he waded through the crowd of people and towards his lovely detective. As he got closer, he noticed that she had her hand up by her ear as she discreetly talked with Esposito on the other end of the hidden listening device.

"Both… hey, have you seen—"

He grabbed her hand and pulled her—well, more like yanked her—away from where she had been standing and into his arms. Immediately, as if almost on instinct, her hands went to the appropriate places as he began to lead them, gently swaying to the soft music.

"Huh… Castle," she spoke softly, looking completely caught off guard. "What are you doing?"

"Sorry, this was the only place where I figured we could talk and not be overheard," Castle murmured back.

Beckett rolled her eyes and glanced away. "Sure it is," she grumbled.

"Come now, Kate, it's not like we haven't danced and talked before," he slipped and used her first name. She looked at him for a moment, but didn't reprimand him. He smiled, feeling a little more confident and continued dancing.

She let out a sigh and then rested her head on his shoulder for a moment. "Yeah… I know."

They swayed silently to the beat of the music for a moment. It's a comfortable silence, which filled Castle with hope for the future. He thought that perhaps the last two weeks of their families slowly getting to know one another had helped to wear down that wall she had constructed around her heart.

"How's Alex?" he asked.

"He's doing good," she replied. "Oh, and thanks about the other day... having him over. It… it really helped."

"You're welcome," he replied with a little smile, remembering his time with his children, both Alexis Castle and Alex Beckett. A matter related to a case had called Beckett away from home, and Jim Beckett was still at work, so she had needed someone to 'baby-sit' as she had put it. Castle had jumped at the opportunity to have Alex over at the Loft. Alexis had enjoyed herself as well, and the three of them did some family bonding over video games and pizza. Castle paused for a moment, his eyebrows coming together in thought. "Have you talked with him yet?"

"No," she shook her head and averted her gaze, looking a little ashamed. Castle's heart plummeted, not knowing how to take this news. "But, I'm going too," she assured him, tilting her head back up to meet his gaze. "I… I just haven't found the right time yet."

Castle let out a sigh and gave her a nod, trying to understand. He had been trying so hard to prove himself to her, but it was difficult. She was stubborn, refusing to accept her own emotions and feelings. Castle had accepted this, knew it to be true. But it was still hard to stand there and wait for her to pull it together. At least she was more comfortable around him, even accepting the way his hand rubbed up and down her back as they swayed to the music.

"Rick," she halted him for a moment, using his first name. He looked down at her with hopeful eyes. "I  _am_  going to talk to him. Okay? I just… you know, don't want to traumatize him in the process."

"Okay," he answered in a soft voice, giving a slight nod.

The conversation Beckett was trying to have with Alex was about them… about Alexander and Jane, and how they had met and the reasons behind everything that happened. And it was a conversation Beckett had said she wanted to do alone. He knew it was hard for her, to admit her past flaws, but it frustrated him that she was delaying it. Alex deserved the whole truth… especially from his mother. Castle had been good, restraining himself from telling Alex too much, as he knew Beckett wanted to do it.

She had already told Alex that she had run away… but not really why… and that was something he knew Beckett felt like she owed to Alex. It… it was just taking her time to do it. He suspected it had to do with her own feelings of guilt and regret… maybe even a little shame over her actions. He always thought that it had to do with that metaphorical wall… the wall that made her think she was unworthy of being loved by him… or just being loved in general, he didn't really know.

"Rick?"

"Hmm," he responded with a soft hum, losing himself in the cherry vanilla scent of her hair.

"Your name is on the birth certificate," she blurted out suddenly.

"Wa… what?" he startled, pausing a moment as the band shifted to a new song.

"Even… even though I was mad at you, wrongly so, and thought you had used me, and… and hadn't told you… I… I still felt it was right for you to be on the birth certificate," Beckett informed him during one single rapid-fire statement. She paused and took a long breath. "I… I just thought you should know."

Castle swallowed and nodded, giving her a small smile, genuinely happy about this news. That had been one of the things he had been wondering… whether or not he was on Alexander's birth certificate as the father. "Which name did you use?" he asked.

"Richard Castle, of course," she said, averting her eyes for a moment. "If circumstances hadn't brought us back together, I probably would never have told Alex," she admitted, her features turning down in shame. "So… so I knew your name had to be on the birth certificate… because if… if he ever wanted to look for you… I… I wanted him to have a way."

"Oh," Castle said, not knowing how to take that.

"I'm glad, now, that I did it," she asserted, looking up at him, a tiny curl on the edge of her lips. "I should never had hid him from you… despite how I felt. And I'm sorry."

"We're past this, Kate," he said, using her first name for emphasis. "We're past it. I know. He knows. Everyone knows."

" _Everyone_?" her eyebrows rose in alarm.

He cocked his head at her and smirked. "Well… everyone that is important to  _us_ … not _everyone_."

Beckett blinked and nodded, visibly relaxing into his arms as he led her to the slow beat of the music. "This is nice," she said. "Dancing, I mean… with you. Even if we're undercover."

"Yes, it is," he agreed and leaned against her, taking the opportunity to breathed in her scent. "You look beautiful, by the way."

He felt her smile. "You're not bad yourself, Castle."

They continued to dance, and Castle decided it was time to move back to the main purpose that had initially had him hauling her onto the dance floor. He licked his lips, before informing her of what he'd been up to while they were sleuthing separately.

"I was just talking to the head of donor development over there," he spun her out and she followed his lead, making it look like they were just doing some spin move. When he reeled her back in, pulling her body closer to his, Castle continued, ignoring the look she gave him as they pressed closer together. "She seems to know an awful lot about me."

"She's not the only one," Beckett replied, a slight raise of one of her eyebrows, sounding annoyed—maybe even a little jealous. She leaned back to look at him. "Do you know that they call you  _The White Whale_?"

He looked at her, furrowing his brow. " _The White Whale_?"

"Uh-huh," she nodded.

"Are you sure? They didn't call me  _Moby_ —"

"No," she shook her head and rolled her eyes at him. She leaned back into him and continued with their conversation. "She's in donor development, Castle. It's her job to know about you. Besides, she doesn't strike me as a criminal mastermind."

"Still… I think we should take a second look," he said, moving them around so that he could look over her shoulder at Rachel Maddox. And without giving Beckett any warning, he began to countdown. "One, two, three… dip." Castle moved and dipped her down, looking up to observe, and stopped dead in his tracks. He could not believe what he was seeing.

" _Castle_ … a little help," Beckett's voice called him out of his stunned state.

He gritted his teeth and helped her back up. "It's Powell," he hissed.

Beckett came back up and leaned against him, turning her head to look at the master thief who had been one of Castle's sources when researching for his Derrick Storm novels.

"The jewel thief?" she questioned.

He immediately disengaged from her, his thoughts fuming as he marched across the room to confront the man he had considered a friend.

Castle's memories of what happened next were a little hazy as suddenly his mother was up on stage, auctioning off a signed first edition of his book and a date with him. He remembered turning away, completely in shock, just in time to spy Paul Reynolds, Rachel Maddox's boyfriend, surreptitiously taking photos of the bejeweled crowd. This led to a breakthrough in the case, and soon they were all riding out to an apartment building to arrest a Karl Nadir.

"Look, Castle, I want you to stay in the car this time, okay?" Beckett told him, giving him a stern look.

He sighed and nodded, agreeing to her condition. Besides, he didn't feel like he was in the right mindset to accompany them up into the apartment complex, bust in and arrest the guy. As Beckett stormed into the building with Ryan and Esposito, Castle unclipped his seatbelt and scooted over to the driver's side.

He picked up the radio and held it up to his mouth. He didn't actually press the button (that would be absurd) but he still talked into it. After the stress of the night and following morning, he needed some child-like escape. "This is Detective Castle…," he spoke into the silent radio. "All units, that's a negatory on the back up! This dirt bag's all mine."

And being him, he started goofing off, humming an action theme song (which he created for himself) and pretending that he was in a high-speed case. Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, this guy fell face first onto the hood of the car. Castle jumped, startled. The guy was cursing and moaning, oblivious to the fact that Castle was in the car. But then the guy looked up just enough to see him.

Castle glanced around frantically, noticing the artist rendering and realizing that this was Nadir. He noticed a gun in Nadir's hand, and he fumbled for an idea. Without really thinking, he turned on the window wipers, and they slapped Nadir in the face, forcing him off the hood of the car.

Nadir then threatened him, pointing the gun and telling him to get out of the car. Castle tried to protest, saying that he was told to stay in the car. Watching Nadir fume, he suddenly thought of something, and as Nadir was tugging at him, Castle shoved the door open, knocking the man off balance. Nadir collapsed onto the pavement cursing. Castle jumped out after him and soon they were wrestling on the ground. The gun flew out and they both scrambled for it. Nadir shifted, pinning Castle to the ground and punched him. Hard.

Dazed, Castle shook his head while Nadir quickly reached out for the gun. The next thing he heard was the man letting out a yelp of pain and Beckett's voice. Oh… that was music to his ears. Castle spun his head around and saw her poised above Nadir, heel on his wrist, gun aimed.

"Go ahead," she growled. "I need the practice."

Ryan and Esposito arrived and immediately took over, cuffing Nadir and taking him away. Beckett sighed, holstered her gun and came over to help Castle up.

"I… I tried to stay in the car," he told her, trying to save himself from any reprimand that might come his way. "I really did." He accepted her offered hand and she pulled him up. Landing on his feet, breathing heavily, he gestured towards Nadir. "He hit me in the face!"

"Yeah, I saw that," she quickly replied. Beckett paused for a moment, and lowered her eyebrows in concern. "Are you okay?"

Castle was totally blown away by the concern radiating out from her eyes that he just ended up bobbing his head like an insane idiot. He could not begin to really dwell on how much that concern touched him. It was almost like proof that all his hard work was paying off and that there was, in fact, light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps a happy ending was not out of grasp.

"That…," he gulped in a breath of air, " _Go ahead, I need the practice_ … that… that was classic."

Beckett rolled her eyes at him and turned away, shaking her head. "I want credit for it if you use it in the books," she called back at him as she walked back to the car. She stopped and looked back at him. "Castle… you coming?"

With the case closed, somehow Castle managed to talk her into coming back to the Loft with the pretense of having some coffee. When they arrived, Martha and Alexis were setting up some breakfast. And before he knew it, Beckett was agreeing to join them. She whipped her phone out, and sent a quick text message, before launching into her version of last night's events. As she went along, he did notice how she was very careful to not let slip anything personal about them… and their talk about Alexander and whether or not Beckett had talked to him yet about the circumstances around her running away.

The guarded look in her eyes slowly drifted away as she talked, and he could see that glorious smile spreading on her face as she chatted about them dancing. Castle sat back, grinning widely, enjoying seeing the woman he loved more than anything interacting so smoothly with his mother and daughter.

He could see it. The future. The family that they could become… that he wanted. For the first time in a week, Castle actually felt like it was within reach.

XXX

_Kate knew she shouldn't be doing this, but she didn't care… couldn't stop herself. She had too... she just had too. Her father wouldn't understand. He had lost himself in the bottle until she'd shown up pregnant. Alexander had given him a reason to get sober, and he wasn't looking backwards—like her—only forward. Royce came the closest to understanding, but he never really could. No one could. It was an obsession with her, trying to solve her mother's murder, but it wasn't all consuming like Royce had thought it was. At least that is what she told herself._

_Yeah, she had had a crush on her training officer, but it had never gotten beyond that. She was still surprised he had even showed an interest. But that was a while ago… almost two years now. Plus Kate still felt she had too much baggage to even think about opening herself up to another person. Not to mention the fact that she was still in love with the man whom she had foolishly believed had used her for a plaything. And she wasn't completely over that… over him… never would be really. A love like that, the kind she had shared with author Richard Castle, it really only came along once in a blue moon._

_Someday she might move on… but not any time soon._

_So, when she was not on duty, and her dad was taking care of Alexander, she'd come down to the archives and locate the evidence box._

_Kate did her best not to get caught. It was against regulations for her to be down here. She was just a uniform, and did not have authorization to be going through these, but this box… this evidence… oh, she had every right to go through it. It was her mother's case… and she was determined that she'd solve it._

_She may be a mother, herself, with responsibilities and someone that needed her, but she wanted to be able to tell Alexander about his grandmother and not have to say that she had died due to random gang violence. She wanted something concrete to tell him. Something real. Something that would not leave him questioning, like it had with her._

_Flipping through a folder, she saw the crime scene photos. Tears welled up in her eyes, but she forced herself to examine it, using what she had learned during her time with the force to look at it objectively, and not emotionally._

_There was so much blood. She didn't remember that from when she had tried to push through the yellow tape, only to be stopped by a uniform officer from seeing too much. The thought made Kate halt. She suddenly realized that she had done the very same thing to a victim's daughter. She had become that which she had once hated._

_The realization shocked her. But it was also oddly soothing. She now understood why that officer had held her back and she was grateful. Truly grateful. It would have been terrible for her to have seen what she was now seeing in this crime scene photo. If she had seen this back then... the spiral of descent into darkness that had followed would have been harder, and more difficult to escape. She had only managed to escape the darkness she had been in because of Richard Castle and the little human they had created together._

_Her Alexander. Her little man. The only man she could ever trust to love her unconditionally._

_A sound suddenly echoed throughout the darkness. Kate jumped, startled, and grabbed her flashlight that was perched on one of the shelves. She fumbled around with it, trying to turn it off, when the florescent lights flickered on and she was met with the grim and disapproving look of the precinct captain._

" _Captain Montgomery!" Kate gasped, and immediately stood up, the files falling to the floor._

" _Officer Beckett," Montgomery said, nodding slightly, the stern look on his face softening for a moment. "What are you doing down here?"_

" _I'm… uh," she dropped to her knees and began picking up the files._

" _Here, let me help you," Montgomery stepped closer and knelt down to assist her. He stopped, holding up one of the files, looking at the header. "Johanna Beckett?"_

" _My mother," Kate said softly._

_Montgomery looked at her for a moment, and then handed the file to her. They finished up in silence, and Kate could feel her heart pounding profoundly in her chest. She was in so much trouble. She was not supposed to be down here, and now she had just been caught red handed by her boss._

_Kate put the files back in the folders and quickly returned them to the evidence box, before putting the lid back on and placing it back where it belonged. She took a shaky breath and turned to face her reprimand._

" _Now that we've cleaned up that mess," Montgomery said, crossing his arms. "Do you want to explain to me what you're doing?"_

" _It's my mother's case, sir," Kate said, not breaking his gaze. It amazed her at how intense her voice sounded._

" _Doesn't give you the right to simply come down here and go through the evidence box without authorization," he said._

" _Begging your pardon, sir, but I have every right," Kate replied, startled by how calm and collected she was. "It's a cold case, captain. No one is bothering to look at it. She… she deserves more than to just be stored in a dark room and forgotten."_

" _I know," he said, nodding, and gestured around to all the other boxes. "None of these people do." He paused and appraised her. "Why did you become a cop?" And then he added, "And I want an honest answer."_

_Kate nodded. "To give others what I never got… closure."_

_Montgomery nodded. "And this… how long have you been sneaking down here and going through the files?"_

" _A month, sir," she swallowed hard, awaiting a sharp reprimand._

" _A month… wow, I'm surprised at your restraint, officer," Montgomery said, raising his eyebrows. "With the zeal you just showed about defending your right to look at those files, I would have expected you to have been down here from day one."_

" _I… to be honest, sir, it never occurred to me that I could actually look at the case files… not until a month ago," she explained._

_Montgomery nodded and rubbed his chin, his eyes narrowing as he thought. He looked up at her and smiled, it was startling, as she had never once seen the captain smile like that._

" _You've got guts, Beckett," he said. "I'll give you that."_

_Kate froze for a moment, completely caught off guard. "Um, thank you, sir," she was unsure and confused. "You… you're not going to reprimand me, or report this to 1PP?"_

" _No," he shook his head. "In fact, I'm giving you authorization to look at your mother's case files." He paused and narrowed his eyes. She wondered if he was remembering when they first met, back when she was brought in for her probation review and he had saved her from going to Vice. "Who's your current supervisor?"_

" _Detective Hobbes, sir," she couldn't help but let some of the bitterness into her voice. She blinked, shocked at herself and hoped it wouldn't be noticed._

_Montgomery frowned. "He's tough, yeah… how about I move you to Calhoun's team?"_

_Detective Calhoun! Lyndon Calhoun! Kate raised her eyebrows. Calhoun was probably the best detective in the precinct, maybe even the whole city, and was on a fast track for a captaincy. Some even believed that he'd be the next Chief of Detectives and eventually, in the future, probably the Chief of Police._

" _Captain… I don't know what to say," she said, completely stunned at the turn in events. She had expected to be reprimanded, even demoted, not promoted… because being assigned to Calhoun's squad… that was a promotion, plain and simple._

" _Just promise me one thing, Beckett."_

" _Yes, sir, of course," she bobbed her head, willing to promise anything for the reprieve at being reprimanded for violating regs and coming down here and going through her mother's case files._

" _When you work a case, I want you to show the same zeal and determination you've shown here with your mother's case," he laid out for her. "And if you do that… I have no doubt you'll make a big impact."_

" _Really, sir?"_

" _Yes," Montgomery continued. "You see, officer, we speak for the dead once the wicked have robbed them of their lives. We give them a voice, and we provide comfort and closure to those they've left behind. And we need people like you, Beckett… people that care enough to see it through to the bitter end, no matter what others might say."_

" _Sir?"_

_Montgomery gave her a little smile. "You don't know it yet, officer, but you've just shown me that you're an excellent raw candidate for becoming a great detective, maybe even the best. And I'm not going to allow such natural innate talent to wallow down her in the archives. Calhoun will straighten you out, help with the rough edges… and once he's done… damn, we'll have a great officer."_

" _Thank you, sir," was all Kate could say._

_And then the captain left her to her own devices, telling her that she had the weekend off and that he expected to see her on Monday bright and early up on the top floor where the best of the 12th operated out of. Kate was left stunned. Her whole life was just about to change if what she'd just heard was any indication. From the sounds of it, she believed that she had just become the protégé of Captain Roy Montgomery, one of the most respected precinct captains in the entire city._


	15. Chapter 15

Somehow, he couldn't entirely remember, Castle had convinced a distracted Beckett into coming to his apartment. And now, she stood in the foyer, hesitating. She looked lost and confused, like she had suddenly snapped out of a daydream and had no idea how she had just got there. He tried to act nonchalant about it, slipping out of his blazer and tossing it over the back of an armchair before returning to her and offering to help her out of her overcoat. She frowned, her eyebrows coming together in the most adorable little way, and he resisted the urge to reach out and smooth away the worry lines on her brow.

"You know it's kind of funny," he spoke up, trying to distract her from her obvious deep thoughts… thoughts he hoped weren't centered on bolting out the door. "All these years trying to do the right thing, trying to make amends… and because of Cynthia's greed, Mailer's the one that ends up going to jail."

Talking about something related to the case they just wrapped up seemed to do the trick, and Beckett snapped out of her trance. She gave him a shrug and relaxed just a enough to allow him to help her out of her overcoat. "If you're looking for a happy ending, Castle, you came to the wrong place," she sighed. "At the end of the day, someone is always dead… and someone always taken a life."

Castle pursed his lips, folding her overcoat and placing it on the coatrack, figuring it was safer than casually draping it over the armchair, next to his. The idea of such an image would probably make her run. His lips tugged upwards as he thought of something to help lighten the solemn mood that had descended upon them.

"Next time, I guess I'll just try that massage parlor on 2nd avenue," he supplied with a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows.

Beckett gave him a pointed look and scoffed. "Only you would make that sort of joke, Castle," she said, but the slight tug of her lips informed him that he had been successful in his attempts to brighten her day. But then he couldn't keep his big mouth shut, now could he?

"Yeah, but who needs questionable massage parlors for happy endings when I got  _you_  here— _alone_ —all to myself," the words were out of his mouth before he could prevent them. _Damn_. He winced and gazed at her cautiously, waiting for her to grow apprehensive and make a break for it.

She didn't move. She just stood there, a blank expression on her face.

His heart pounded profoundly in his chest, the blood rushed to his ears, and the only sound he could here was the frantic strumming of his own heartbeat.

"Same here, Rick," it came out quiet and soft, almost hesitant, but it was there. It had been said.

Castle let go, releasing a breath he did not know he had been holding in. It almost flew right over him, her use of his first name, but then it slammed head long into him, and he was floored. She hardly ever called him 'Rick'. It was always 'Castle this' or 'Castle that' with her, but never 'Rick'. He gulped, his throat suddenly tight. And, for not the firs time whilst in her presence, the wordsmith was caught at a loss for words.

This little smile played across her face as she clutched her bag to her chest and swayed past him, letting her hips move at a deliciously seductive beat. He swallowed again, this time allowing his eyes to follow her. Castle reveled in the vision before him, soaking in the sight of her walking into the heart of the Loft, the motion of her hips natural, but oh so sensual and alluring at the same time. She was intoxicating. A drug that, if he was honest, he would gladly become addicted to.

Oh, who was he kidding, he was already addicted to the drug that was Kate Beckett… had been. Always would be.

She continued to saunter, strolling around and looking at everything. This would be the first time he'd have her over completely alone since that night when they had kissed on the floor and she had run away. It felt like an eternity ago. It was that last time he had tasted her, felt her against him, succumbing in the irrepressible need that was always there between them, though they never talked about it. They avoided it, yes… something they seemed exceedingly good at.

"So," her voice pulled him out of his heavily lust filled thoughts. "Was this case enough to satisfy your vivid imagination, Castle?"

He blinked, shaking his head. "The whole tub of oil thing… that was spookily awesome… not to mention over the top," Castle said with a nod.

" _Over the top_?" she repeated, her lips quirking up with amusement, the sparkle reaching her eyes as she shook her head at him. "Oh, come on, Castle… we both know you like the bizarre cases."

"True," Castle agreed. "It was certainly imaginative." And then it hit him, why she had been standing there looking all hesitant. He sighed and fought the urge to groan with frustration. _Are we ever going to get past this?_  He was sick and tired of her stupid thinking of being undeserving of being with him. It angered him to no end. She was very much, like Jim Beckett had described her, too stubborn for her own good.

She must have noticed the look on his face, because she immediately grew silent. He watched as she turned in on herself, wrapping her arms around her frame, hugging herself. Beckett averted her gaze and spun around, leaving him the view of her back. Naturally, his eyes began to drift down.  _Did she really have to wear such tight jeans?_

His eyes followed her as she walked around the edge of the couch and plopped down with a heavy sigh.  _She's stressed._ He knows it. According to Alex and Jim, Beckett usually went home and had a bath to unwind after a case. And here he was, disrupting that routine, inviting her back to his place to… what? Try and seduce her? No. He wanted Kate… he wanted her badly. But he wanted her when she was ready. He just had a hard time parting company with her at the end of the day.

Narrowing his eyes, Castle rolled up the sleeves of his shirt and rubbed his hands together, making them warm, as he sauntered up behind her. She let out another sigh and lowered her head. Her hair, which he noted, had grown out more since their reunion, moved as she did, giving him the space he needed to make his strike. She, of course, was oblivious to what he was planning, which suited him just fine. He wanted to surprise her.

He was standing behind her now, and he waited a second before making his move.

" _Oh, God…,_ " a low groan came out of her throat as he began to work his very talented fingers on her neck and shoulder muscles. "Hmm… that feels good." And then Beckett shuddered for a moment, her head snapping up as she realized what was going on, and who was doing it. " _Castle_?"

"Shh," he shushed, rubbing his palms against the soft flesh where her shoulder and neck met. "Just relax."

"I..."

"I said, relax," he instructed with a softness to his voice that he knew she could not resist.

Beckett sat there, tense and rigid. He narrowed his eyes and worked his hands into the taut tight muscles on her shoulders, not backing down. After a minute or two, she relented and he felt her relax under his ministrations. He rubbed and squeezed her shoulders, eliciting light gasps and moans from her. Castle knew she must have been blushing light crazy. He could feel the heat of it on her skin as he moved his fingers, slow and with purpose.

After five minutes, he allowed himself a small smile to pull at his lips as he realized she wasn't going to fight. She was going to accept this and allow it. A small victory, to be sure, but he was going to take it. She hadn't allowed him to touch her like this, or for this long, in a long while, and he, for one, was going to savor it.

Noticing that most of the tension seemed to be in her neck, he concentrated on that, gently rubbing his thumbs down the nape of her neck and under the fringe of her blouse to brush along the top of her back. She immediately shivered and let out a low throaty moan of approval. Her head drowsily lulled forward, providing him with much more room to work with.

Castle moved his hands, slipping them down the back of her blouse. He wasn't trying to cop a feel; he just needed to reach her tensed back muscles. His thumbs rubbed across her shoulder blades as he kneaded his knuckles into her taut back. Belatedly, he realized something. No bra. _Interesting._

"Oh… Rick… yes," his first name tumbled carelessly from her lips in a slow sensual moan filled with what could only have been described as a deep seeded desire.

He stilled the moment he registered what she had said, and how she had said it. It was only for a moment, and he tried to regain the rhythm he had going in the massage he was administering, but it was too late. She had noticed.

Beckett immediately pulled away from him. She sat up, practically vaulting off the couch. She spun around, her chest moving up and down as she gulped in deep breaths of air. Her entire face was flushed, a rosy color that reminded him off all the times she'd straddle him and drove him wild with the buck of her hips against his. She opened her mouth to speak, but then stopped, clearly at a lost at what to say. Furrowing her brow, she rubbed the back of her neck as she let out a long frustrated groan.

Castle watched her, seeing her attempt to regain control of her body's obvious natural reaction to him and his ministrations. She knew very well what he was capable of doing with nothing but his fingers, and from the look in her eyes, Castle knew that she was remembering just that. And then it happened, her eyes flicked down… to his lips. He caught that… she tried to cover, but he had seen it.

An irrepressible smile broke across his face as he crossed his arms over his chest and looked at her. "It was just a friendly back massage, Beckett," he crooned playfully. "No need to freak out."

"I'm not freaking out!" Beckett replied brusquely. She huffed and turned her back to him. He pursed his lips and watched as she took a shaky breath.

Sighing, Castle slipped around the couch and came up behind her. Gently, he placed a hand on her shoulder. She flinched. That hurt. It did, but he sucked it up and again placed his hand on her shoulder, this time more firmly, adding a little comforting squeeze to his touch. Beckett gazed up at him with big doe eyes. God… they were beautiful.  _She_  was beautiful. He wished she'd stop fighting it… fighting them. The pull was irresistible, and he had to use all of his self-control not to act on it, grab her and roughly bring her lips to his.

He forced himself to pull away. Looking into her eyes, especially with how big they were right now, how her pupils were slightly dilated… darken and needy… was only going to lead him down the rabbit's hole. And right now they did not need that. The pace had been set, and he was willing to follow it.

Swallowing past the lump in his throat, no doubt formed by his amazing restraint, Castle looked away and gestured towards the other side of the Loft, where the poker table still sat.

"Let's…," his voice broke as he spoke. He paused, and took a breath, before continuing. "Let's have that rematch now, shall we?"

Beckett visibly relaxed… no doubt pleased that they now had something to distract them from the sexual tension filling the space around them. She followed a step or two behind him as he led the way over. He glanced over his shoulder at her, and gave her a polite smile, trying to think of something to say that would lighten the mood.

"Oh… wait… I should call Dad and let him know I'm here," Beckett blurted out and spun on her heels.

It was so fast, and sudden, that Castle feared the worst. He pursed his lips together while he watched her jog back to the door. As she bent down—providing him a splendid view of her well-shaped backside in the process—and scooped up her bag, he released a breath he did not know he had been holding in. Beckett turned back around, a tight smile on her lips as she walked back towards him.

Digging into her bag, she produced her phone and flipped it on. "Just give me a minute, okay?" she asked, glancing up at him with apologetic eyes.

Castle nodded and turned, finally allowing himself to relax, knowing that she was not going to bolt (like he had suspected she was going to do). Rubbing his hands over his face, Castle pulled himself together and quickly went about setting up the poker table. When he was finished, having also gotten them both a glass of red Merlot, he looked up to see Beckett approaching.

She dropped her bag off to the side and slipped into her seat. Castle did likewise, watching as she picked up the glass of wine, giving him a tight appreciative smile, as she took a small delicate sip. He watched, enthralled, as she swallowed. Licking his lips and thinking of how much he wanted to nibble at her throat, Castle forced himself to turn his attention to the cards. He began using his vast skill to shuffle the deck, making her laugh as he tried doing a fancy move he'd seen a dealer do at a Casino in Atlantic City. He loved her laugh, just as much as he loved her.

Beckett grinned at him and raised her glass in salute to his attempt at flipping the cards, even though he had utterly failed and ended up playing 52-Card Pick Up all by himself. As he reshuffled the deck, this time not trying anything fancy, Beckett shifted and looked around.

"Where are the chips?"

"Huh?" he played dumb.

She frowned and gave him a little glare. "What are we playing for, Castle?"

He smirked, and glanced up at her. "Pride… or clothing," he said, adding a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows.

Beckett rolled her eyes at him. She turned and grabbed for her bag. "I think I got a bag of gummy bears in here."

XXX

" _Come on, girl," Lanie shook her head. "It'll be fun. Besides, we need to get you out of that uniform more often. You got goods, girl… use them."_

" _I don't know, Lanie," Kate sighed, looking at herself in the mirror. She didn't like dressing up._

_It had been so long since she had actually worn a dress. Too long. Kate felt out a place with it on, like it was something foreign that didn't belong. She turned, appraised herself in the mirror. The low neckline provided a supple and alluring glimpse at her cleavage. The short skirt, covered in sparkling sequins, showed off her long and slender legs, and the high heels added to that, accentuating everything and helping to give her bottom a little lift. As the full picture came to her, Kate raised her eyebrows as she realized that she actually looked good. No… better than good… she looked great. Hot. Smoking hot. Yeah… she looked smoking hot._

" _God… Lanie… I… I feel like I'm 20 again," she said, spinning around and enjoying herself, feeling attractive for the first time in years._

" _You look 20," Lanie chuckled, rolling her eyes. She slipped over Kate's bed and turned around. "Zip me up?"_

" _Sure," Kate grinned, feeling happy. Actually feeling happy. It felt odd to smile so much. It almost hurt her cheeks. She worked with the zipper on the back of Lanie's dress until she finally got it to work._

" _You know, this dress is kind of tight," Lanie commented as she spun around, a hand resting on her stomach as she tried to breathe._

_Kate snorted. "I told you so," she said. "You're practically falling out of it."_

_Lanie smirked and an eyebrow quirked up. "That's the idea, girl," she said, sassy as always. "Gotta show off the goods if I want a hot stud to take notice."_

_Suddenly Kate froze. She felt like slamming her palm against her forehead. Dear god, not again! She had thought they were just going out to enjoy a few drinks, maybe do a little dancing. But no. Not it became clear what her friend from the medical examiner's office was up to. Kate let out a breath and shook her head, giving Lanie a little glare._

" _Lanie," she objected. "I don't need you to try and play matchmaker, okay?"_

" _Oh… come on, Kate," Lanie gave her a pointed look. "When was the last time you got any?"_

" _Lanie!" she blushed brightly._

" _Girl, do I need to smack you or something?" Lanie playfully threatened, holding up a hand menacingly. "It's been… what? Two years?"_

" _Four… actually," Kate said, feeling the ache of it. Oh god… four years!_

_Lanie raised her eyebrows, genuinely surprised. "Damn, girl… it's been a while for you, hasn't it?"_

" _Not like I really have any opportunities," Kate replied, turning around to look at herself in the mirror. "I've had responsibilities, Lanie. And a new career to focus on."_

" _Girl, all because you're a single mother doesn't mean you can't have a little fun," Lanie said. "You just need to find some hot young stud to help you forget about that man." Kate shot Lanie a glare. Lanie didn't know the full truth. No one, outside her father, knew the true identity of Alexander's father. And she never_ _wanted to forget him. Sensing trouble, her friend threw up her hands. "Or not?"_

_Kate turned back and looked at her reflection. She really wasn't ready to let another man in, not like that… not like she'd let Castle in. She longed to feel that again, but that longing was always coupled with an undeniable desire for the roguishly handsome author. She had the need and want, yes… who wouldn't? But she had a method to alleviate it. She was probably certifiably insane, but it worked of her. An outside observer wouldn't understand. Hell, even Kate didn't know if she truly understood her twisted logic._

_She'd won a contest on his website. The prize: A life-sized cardboard cutout of the author. It bore his trademark smirk and his eyes were a deep cobalt, like they had been when she first spotted him looking at her from across the bar. The contest, well, there was no real competition, not for her… she was his most avid—and probably obsessed—fan. The questions had been broad, covering all his work, including some of his more obscure and earlier writings, such as the collection of short stories he had published after the success of_ In A Hail Of Bullets _._

_So she now had, hidden in her closet, a cardboard cutout of the man himself. Sometimes… and she felt insane doing it, but it helped… she would take it out and lay it besides her on the bed. It wasn't really him, but with how it always seemed like the eyes in paintings followed you around the room, so it was with this cutout of Castle. And it helped… helped her imagine like he was with her, laying in bed with her and doing all those delicious things he'd do with her with nothing but his fingers. Except now it was her fingers doing it and not his._

_Needless to say, she was extremely embarrassed about it. It made her feel like she was some sexual deviant. Kate had broached the subject once with her therapist, yeah… she still saw her. Her shrink tried to assure her that it was okay… that she was allowed to have sexual fantasies… that it was normal. But it didn't feel normal to Kate, not when she had once had the man himself, and not just his likeness in her bed._

_As her thoughts ran the gambit, Kate felt tears threaten. Her eyes flicked over to the closed closet. She bit the inside of her cheek and held it together, not wanting to ruin her mascara._

" _You okay, Kate?" Lanie's voice was soft and comforting, and obviously worried. The concern was hard to miss._

_Sucking in a deep breath, Kate nodded, and forced a smile. "Yeah… I'm fine," she said. Turning, she stepped over to her nightstand and grabbed her clutch bag. Glancing back up at Lanie, seeing that her friend wasn't convinced, Kate smiled again. "Let's just go out and have a good time, okay… no pressure, just… have fun."_

_Lanie sighed and gave a nod, relenting. "All right," she said. "But Kate… you need to move on. It's not healthy, the way you keep yourself fixated on a man whom you've told me many times you'll probably never see again._

" _I know," Kate said, averting her eyes for a second. "But for night… please… let's just have fun."_

_Her friend sighed and gave a nod. "Okay," Lanie said, and then looped arm with hers. "I can't wait to see the look on your dad's face when he sees how short that skirt is!"_

_Kate chuckled and smiled… honestly, smiled… a real one. "He's probably going to burst a blood vessel."_


	16. Chapter 16

Castle stepped up behind Beckett and looked over her shoulder, examining the evidence arrayed out on top of her desk. A cardboard box was sitting on his chair, and she was slowly stacking things together and placing them into the box for storage. He was glad the case was over. It had really been hard, on both of them. A missing child was never easy, but when you were a parent, it seemed worse. He could not help imagining what it would have been like for him if Alexis had gone missing. And Castle knew that Beckett must have been thinking the same thing in regards to Alex.

"Castle?" her voice called him back out of his thoughts.

"Yeah?"

"If your don't get your hand off my hip… I swear to God I'll break you're fingers one by one."

"Oh… sorry," he quickly pulled his hand back, holding it up and wiggling his fingers to make sure that none of them were, in fact, broken.

He gave her a lopsided grin… he had no idea that he had absently draped his arm around her waist and rested his hand on her hip. Must have been out of habit. However, it did interest him that she had allowed it to progress for as long as it had until she snapped at him.

"If I knew it was so distracting, I would have tried it last night," Castle said with a wiggle of his eyebrows, hoping to lighten the mood. Last night had been a long and agonizing night, as they had waited at the parents' place for news. They had camped out in the kid's bedroom and Castle had snooped for clues. His snooping, as it turned out, led to the break that they had sorely needed. And thanks to him… yes him, the case was now, in fact, closed. And the little girl was now safe and sound.

"Castle?"

"Hmm?"

"Shut up."

It was clear that things were different. Ever since the charity ball, and the subsequent breakfast at the Loft, Beckett had been more open, seemingly allowing him closer in. He vividly recalled all the sounds she had made when he had given her that backrub… god… he'd really needed to pull out his restraint that night. That reluctant and hesitant attitude seemed to be slowly vanishing. She was much more flirty and more open about it, not caring if Esposito or Ryan saw her doing it with him. Though she had asked him if they could keep quiet over the fact that they had met before and that Alexander was his, at least for the moment.

He had agreed, not wanting to scare her off or ruin his sudden good fortune of being back in her life. Plus it helped that Captain Montgomery was aware of their past and of Castle's relation to Alex. The man seemed very supportive, and had even took Castle aside one morning to give him his official approval to patch things back up with his best detective.

"Just don't go breaking her heart, you hear?" Montgomery had said in jest, but there was a seriousness underlining his words.

"I don't plan too," Castle had informed him.

Everything was going great, and he felt that they were getting closer. With each case, their working relationship improved and she had been forced to admit—at least grudgingly—that he was of some help. Beckett was warming up to the idea of him shadowing her… and maybe even something more, like a partner. But they were definitely friends by now. Friends who had been lovers. And had a son.

Which was what he wanted. He could survive being her friend, but friendship with Kate Beckett could only last him so long. He wanted more than just friendship with her, but he wasn't going to push, not when they were just finally getting to know each other all over again. Not to mention the whole shock over finding out that they had a son together. Castle was still a little peeved over not being told, but he wasn't going to dwell on it. It was in the past, he wasn't going to let it pull him down, not when the greatest thing he had ever had was open for another shot.

And Alexander… he loved his boy. He'd only known him for almost half a year, but damn… was he a proud father. Alexis simply adored her little brother, and the two had quickly become the best of friends. Castle believed Alex to be the perfect meld of him and Beckett. He had a mixture of their behaviors and mannerisms, and he was sharp… smart and clever like Alexis. It amazed him that his children were turning out to be so much more than he had ever hoped.

What Castle enjoyed most about this new change in his life was Beckett Family Game Night. Oh, he loved it. It gave him the opportunity to see Beckett out of the precinct and in a family setting. She had grown a little concerned, however, when Castle had hit it off splendidly with her father. Jim Beckett was great… and Castle couldn't have hoped for a better potential future father-in-law—he was planning ahead, obviously.

Game Night also added Dr. Lanie Parish to his list of friends. The M.E. was already on his side, which was a great benefit, seeing as she was Beckett's best friend.

"Damn, girl! Are you pulling my leg?" Lanie had asked when they told her that Castle was Alexander's father.

Castle relished the way Beckett had blushed and looked over at him. "No, not pulling your leg," she had half-whispered. "It's the truth."

Lanie appraised him for a while and then cocked her head towards Beckett and smirked. "When I told you that you should have jumped his bones, I had no idea you already had!"

Both Lanie and Castle laughed, while Beckett only sat there looking completely mortified.

"Oh, cheer up, Kate," Lanie had said, patting her friend's knee. "You two were obviously good together… seeing as Alex came about."

That comment only seemed to make Beckett blush all the more. Castle had to keep himself from tumbling over with mirth. All this stuff he was learning was just gold. He had made a mental note to stop by the morgue more often so he could chat with Lanie.

"Well… we're just friends now, Lanie," Beckett had asserted, trying very hard to impress upon her friend that her and Castle were no longer romantically involved. It didn't help her case that she never seemed to notice when he'd slip his arm around her waist, or slide a hand onto her thigh, on those game night. He risked the little touches, because all she'd do was glare and snap at him.

So far… he hadn't received any broken bones. Just death glares that he secretly relished with glee. God, he was so in love with her. She was brilliant, and he wished she knew that. They worked so well together, and when they were all together, his family and hers… it was perfect. Castle just hoped she'd see it eventually.

The friendship was good and it was building. But they had reached a point, though, were Castle felt like he could begin to push more at the potential of them picking back up where they had left off. Being with her as a partner, helping to solve crimes, was good and all, but he wanted the feeling of being with her, in the complete sense of the word. He wanted to lose himself in the exquisiteness that was Kate Beckett. He'd lost himself in Jane, and he had no doubt he'd lose himself in Kate… he was already lost to some extent, it just required more physical contact to become complete.

It was close to happening; he could feel it. After all, they'd been together again, not as lovers, but as friends, for half a year now, and they already had a favorite lunch/dinner spot—a diner called Remy's that was a couple of blocks away from the precinct. Beckett loved the burgers there, and he did too. When she first took him there for a late dinner, he was reminded of their first date at the Old Haunt.

Beckett had seemed to be having the same memories, because she reached out and took a hold of his hand in hers. She gave it a squeeze and gave him this smile that had his heart swelling right out of his chest with all the possibilities it hinted at.

And that smile… boy, did it sustain him for a long time. But then… the case with the missing child came along and something unexpected interrupted their gradual mending of hearts. An ex-boyfriend.

It would be foolish of him to admit that he wasn't a little bit jealous or felt threatened. FBI Agent Will Sorenson was square-jawed and good-looking. And it was obvious in the way he looked at Beckett that the man still held some residual feelings for her.

As for Beckett, when Castle questioned her about that relationship, she was vague in her responses, cautious and nervous about revealing anything about it to him. She was, however, a little annoyed over his obvious dislike and almost need to compete with Sorenson. It had gone so far that at one point, Beckett had taken him aside and almost demanded that he leave.

"Castle, you need to stop, okay?" she said, pushing him into the break room, glancing over her shoulder at an irritated looking Sorenson. "You don't need to do a measuring contest… trust me, you'd win."

"Oh?" he quirked up an eyebrow, knowing that her statement had just revealed more than she had intended. It dawned on her at the same moment and she blushed brightly, adorably chewing on her lower lip with an anxious look on her face.

He knew he shouldn't have been surprised, but it kind of stung, knowing that she had been with someone else. Though, he really shouldn't judge, since he had been with others between when they parted ways and reunited. But then her words sank in and he registered exactly what she had said. A smug smirk could not be helped and he glanced at her with a glint in his eye.

"I'd win, eh?" he questioned in a singsong voice, watching as she shook her head at him, rolling her eyes in the traditional Beckett manner he had come to crave.

"Castle," Beckett gave him a little warning tone. "Don't go there. It was in the past. Will and I… we didn't work out, so leave it at that."

He bit the inside of his mouth, trying to force himself to remain silent, but he wouldn't. He had to know. "Why didn't you work out?"

Beckett looked at him for a moment before stepping back and leaning against the break room table, crossing her arms over her chest. "He got a promotion that would take him to Boston. He wanted me to go with him."

"Well, you obviously didn't."

"Obviously," she looked at him with a little amused expression, before her lips turned flat again. "But, I couldn't leave New York."

"Why not?"

"You know why not," she replied, giving him a meaningful look.

"Your mother's case," he nodded, understanding.

"Yes that, but also Alexander," Beckett explained.

Castle frowned, a little confused. "How so?"

"He was just starting school," Beckett said, her eyes looking off into the distance as she remembered some long ago event. "I couldn't take him out of that… and…," her eyes fell back to him. "I really didn't love Will. I mean... I loved him, yes, but… not… not like that."

"You mean, not like you loved me?" he asked, giving her a little hopeful smirk.

She gave him a glare.

"I mean, the old me—of course, the one you knew as Alexander Rodgers," he elaborated, trying to save himself from her wrath. Though the fact she then confirmed that with a nod hurt. Perhaps there was no more love there for him. Maybe there was too much anger, regret, and guilt over all the deception in their past to warrant giving them another shot. Not to mention her own self-doubt.

Maybe he'd already lost her, and he was just fooling himself that he could win her back. All because they had a son didn't necessarily mean she'd throw herself into his arms and plead with him to take her. Oh… but how he wanted that… wanted it so badly.

"Castle?"

"Huh?" he blinked, coming back to the present. He had been lost in the memory of that conversation in the break room, and glad that in the end, she had not kicked him out. Like it or not, she had needed him for that case, and he knew it. She knew it.

They had unraveled the mystery of the girl's kidnapping. It was the mother… and her sister. The woman was gearing up to divorce her artist husband and wanted to have proof that he was unfit to be a parent so that she could get sole custody. It was low and twisted, and it hit too close to home for Castle, having gone through a custody battle himself. It had been painful proving to the court that Meredith was unfit to be a mother, but it had been necessary. Beckett had understood his feelings and she had given him some time, their ride back to the precinct marked only by silent contemplation.

As much as he was angry over having been denied his son for so long, he couldn't handle going through another custody battle… especially if Beckett was his opposition. Castle wanted her on his side, and it was clear that from her recent efforts that Beckett was not going to deny him Alexander any more. They were working it out, slowly.

They had even talked about the idea of having Alex live in the Loft for a month and then her place for a month, and then so on and so forth. Since they both lived in New York, it wouldn't really put a strain on the boy, and it wouldn't disrupt his schooling either. It also helped that Alex already had his own room at the Loft. Castle had taken Alexis and him out to buy the furniture, and then Alexis had helped her little brother arrange everything.

"Castle?" Beckett called his name again, this time more softly.

Castle blinked and shook his head. He was still lost in his thoughts of the last couple of weeks and the implications of her changing behavior towards him. But now, as she stood there, evidence box all packed and ready, he was beginning to wonder if he had let his mind get ahead of itself.

"Right," he nodded, stepping away from her and giving her the room she needed to pick the box up out of his chair. She taped it up and announced she was going to take it down to storage. "I'll just wait here, then."

"Why?" she asked.

"I just thought… I don't know, maybe we could go out and celebrate," he offered with a nonchalant shrug.

"Uh… sure, I guess," she inclined her head, giving him a little smile. "Just give me a minute." And she was off, going towards the stairs to take the evidence box down to storage.

Smiling to himself, Castle decided he needed to freshen up. How girly was that? Deciding it was not beneath his masculinity having the desire to look good for the woman he loved, Castle strolled through the squad room in the direction of the restrooms.

XXX

" _I'm bored out off my mind, Becks," Esposito shook his head as he adjusted his weight in the chair, staring down at the pile of takeout receipts that had yet to be sorted._

_Kate glanced up at him and smirked. "Don't think about it, Espo," she said. "Which really shouldn't be that difficult for you."_

" _Hey… I'll have you know, I'm not as dumb as I look," he responded, then frowned and shook his head. "Damn! Walked right into that one, didn't I?"_

_Kate bit her lower lip to keep from laughing out loud. Settling for a quick nod and a roll of her eyes, she then turned back to the task that had been assigned to them by Detective Calhoun. All of these receipts had been found in the suspect's apartment, and it had been tasked to them to find out if there were any connections with the location where the woman had been stabbed._

" _It's like trying to read_ War and Peace _," Esposito groaned before rubbing his eyes and picking up another slip of paper._

_Kate had actually been rather surprised when the Hispanic officer had shown up one day and reported in to her. Apparently he'd been transferred from the Organized Crime Task Force over at the 54th, something to do with his partner being dirty. Montgomery had pulled some strings and saved the guy, giving him a second shot here at the 12th Precinct. Kate was actually glad to see him. It was nice seeing a familiar face. Though, she was kind of startled at actually becoming the senior uniformed officer, having been given the position by Captain Montgomery two months ago._

_Thinking back on the last year, Kate realized that she was in a good place now. She had come to accept her tragic past, recognizing her own faults when it came to relationships. In retrospect, she thought she might have been too young to fully appreciate what Castle had to offer. Even if he had not been using his real name, he had still been a lot better for her than any of the previous boyfriends she had had before him._

_And she had to admit, her lone month with him had been the best in her life. It wasn't just the sex, which had been mind-blowingly amazing, but it was just the way she had felt, about him, about herself… about life in general. She had been upbeat and positive when she had been with him. And it had been the stability and security he brought that had allowed her to pull herself out of the darkness that had consumed her when her mother had died._

_There were things she regretted, sure… some of that was obvious, but the overall result—Alexander—No… she didn't regret having him. She loved him. When she thought she was going to spiral down again, he anchored her, kept her sane. It helped, too, that her dad was there for her as well._

_Kate had read an announcement on Castle's official website that he was divorcing Gina Cowell… though he'd still be signed with Black Pawn. Now that he was no longer with someone, she wished she had the courage to contact Castle and tell him, not just about Alex, but also about how grateful she was for her short time with him. But she just wasn't sure if she was emotionally ready to face him. Kate knew she was being a coward about it… but that was that. It was just how she was._

" _Yo… Becks," Esposito hissed, pulling her out of her thoughts. "Here comes the Feds!"_

_Kate looked up from where she'd been sitting. Just like Esposito, she had been absorbed in the task of going through the huge pile of takeout receipts that had been found in the suspect's apartment. And sure enough, when she looked up, she spotted two men in clean, straight, black suits saunter into the bullpen._

" _Hey, Boss… look what the cat dragged in," Detective Pullman snickered as Detective Lincoln shook his head._

_Detective Lyndon Calhoun stood with a groan and shake of his head, turning to give a pointed look towards the junior detectives. Kate took Calhoun's lead, forgetting the receipts, and stood, wanting to support him and show solidarity. Esposito followed suit._

_The older of the two agents reached into his pocket and produced his credentials for Calhoun to inspect. He was tall and lean, dark hair graying on the sides, and looked very much like the definition of a G-man. "Agent Ames," he introduced himself, and then gestured to the younger man standing besides him. "And this is Agent Sorenson."_

_Kate's breath caught in her throat. He was looking right at her. She blinked, startled, but found herself staring right back at him. He was tall, athletic, with a chiseled jaw and arresting blue eyes. His short-cropped sandy blond hair was typical for a Fed. But, boy, was he handsome. And he was gazing at her with a look that was both unsettling and exciting at the same time. His posture screamed confidence and strength, and Kate found herself beginning to undress him with her eyes… something she had not done to a man in quite a long time… way longer than she'd care to admit._

" _Feds… they think they run the place," Esposito's voice snapped her out of her stare._

_Kate blinked, gave a brief nod of agreement—NYPD solidarity!—and watched as Calhoun walked up to the FBI agents, waving his hands in the air._

" _Oh no you don't," he said, his voice always that low confident grade. "I know this is a kidnapping, but it was obviously a botched one, as one of the victims ended up in our morgue."_

" _Your victim was a young mother," Ames scowled. "There's a young child out there. And like it or not, the NYPD is not equipped to deal with this." He paused and glared hard, glancing around the bullpen. "Where's your captain… I want to speak with him."_

" _Right this way, Agent Ames," Calhoun said, gesturing towards Montgomery's office as he accompanied the man._

_When the two disappeared into the captain's office, the tension in the room dropped immediately. Lincoln and Pullman went back to their desks, continuing their own tasks. Pullman glanced up and noticed at Kate and Esposito were still standing._

" _Keep looking through those receipts, you two," he instructed with a grin._

_Kate nodded, and gestured towards Esposito. They both sat back down and continued where they had left off. Meanwhile, a shouting match could be heard coming from Montgomery's office. Calhoun sounded pissed. Kate was getting the feeling that the case was going to be taken away from them. Suddenly the door burst open and Calhoun came sulking out. His face was contorted in anger and he turned to Kate._

" _Beckett," he snapped._

_She jumped up. "Sir?"_

" _Collect all our evidence and then hand it over to Agent Sorenson… the Feds just got their damn case!" he grumbled and then stormed off, leaving an annoyed Agent Ames in his wake._

_Kate risked a glance over at Agent Sorenson, who gave her a tight apologetic smile. Ames strolled over to him and looked at his nails, like he was bored._

" _Collect those files and bring them back to HQ," Ames told the younger man, and then walked out of the bullpen._

_She quickly went about collecting all the evidence and putting it into a box. There really wasn't that much. They had just gotten the case in the morning, and it was barely 2 in the afternoon. What little they had suggested that the boyfriend was the most likely culprit. Lincoln and Pullman dropped their files into the box, both grumbling in frustration about how the kid would probably wind up dead now. Esposito helped her clear the white board of all the photos, and soon the evidence box was ready._

_Swallowing hard, Kate taped it up, and lifted it off the desk. Turning, she saw Agent Sorenson standing on the fringes of the bullpen, waiting. Taking a quick breath, Kate forced her legs to move. The last time she felt that flutter in her stomach was when she had first spied Castle sitting all alone at the bar in that club so long ago. She didn't know if she was really prepared for this… but she couldn't deny the ache she felt… the need. Perhaps it didn't have to be anything but physical._

_Kate walked over and handed him the box, giving him a dazzling smile. Sorenson grinned and cocked his head slightly._

" _Hey… I know this is awkward timing and all, but… I was wondering if maybe you'd like to grab a cup of coffee sometime?" he asked, giving her a charming grin._

" _Sure," Kate heard herself say._

" _Great!" he grinned. "I'm Will, by the way."_

" _Kate," she said. "Kate Beckett."_

_Sorenson's eyes flicked down and she could feel him checking her out. She thought she heard a hum of approval as his gaze returned to hers. "When do you get off duty?"_


	17. Chapter 17

Castle came out of the bathroom feeling happy and upbeat. Despite the troubling aspect of the case they had just wrapped up, it had only seemed to strengthen their relationship, and now she had just agreed to go out to dinner with him as a way to celebrate. Oh, and he was going to surprise her. He wasn't going to take her to Remy's or any other of their normal after work places. No… not this time. He was trying to win her back. So, with that in mind, he thought it might be kind of cool to take her to the Old Haunt. He hadn't been there in a while, so he could only hope it hadn't change that much. Come to think of it, he'd stopped going there after Jane—Kate—had discovered who he really was and had run.

Strutting through the bullpen, Castle looked around for Beckett, figuring she'd be done with taking the evidence box to storage by now. She wasn't at her desk, but her things were still there, so she was in the building.

Ryan was sitting behind his desk, typing up his report on the computer. Esposito was not far behind. The former glanced away from his screen just long enough to see Castle loitering around Beckett's desk, looking lost.

"Hey, Castle," Ryan said with a quick nod. "Looking for Beckett?"

"Yeah," Castle inclined his head.

Ryan smiled and exchanged a knowing look with his partner before turning back to him. "I think she's in the break room."

Castle gave a nod of thanks, and then hurried off towards the break room. He could feel the excitement for tonight's dinner date—yes, he was thinking of it like that instead as the celebratory dinner as he had led the detective to believe. When he approached the door he stopped short, hearing voices.

It was Beckett and Sorenson. He couldn't make out exactly what they were saying, but something about their hushed tones made some dread well up inside him. Slowing his pace, he took a hard swallow and cautiously peeked around the edge of the doorframe. His eyes grew wide and his heart fell as he witness his worse fear: Beckett kissing Sorenson. She was leaning against the break room countertop, Sorenson had his hand on her cheek and he was leaning in, deepening the kiss.

Feeling his chest cave in, Castle dropped his head and turned around. He'd lost. He could see that now. Beckett was never going to get over the fact that he had lied about who he was. It did not matter that she had done the same. And her damn stubbornness over being undeserving of him… well, it looked like she was also using that as an excuse to not see him as anything more than a close friend. Shaking his head, Castle shuffled to the elevator, ignoring the inquisitive looks from Esposito and Ryan, no doubt confused as to his dejected appearance.

Sighing, Castle pushed the button, and then shoved his hands into his pockets, waiting for the elevator to arrive. The wait seemed agonizing. He remembered Beckett telling him that she had gotten serious with the FBI agent, and had even contemplated marriage, before Sorenson got a promotion and asked her to move to Boston. But she refused, and the subsequent case involving a child had ended things. Perhaps Beckett still cared for Sorenson, and now that he was back in New York, she wanted to renew their past relationship.

 _Better get out of here while you still have some dignity left_ , Castle thought as the elevator bell dinged and the automatic doors opened. Moving quickly, he stepped over the threshold, spun around, and slammed his hand against the button, willing the cursed mechanism to work faster.

He let out a sigh of relief as the doors finally began to close. Part of him hated what he was doing. He was never one to give up on a challenge, but he couldn't see any win here. It was a lost cause. He probably never really ever had a shot. Sure, they had Alexander, so their lives would be forever intertwined, but beyond that… he guessed all she wanted from him was his friendship.

The doors were almost fully closed when a hand materialized, seemingly out of nowhere, and prevented them from completion. They stalled for a bit and he heard the mechanical gears groan in protest as they shifted to then push the doors back open. As they parted open, Castle sucked in a shaky breath as he found himself staring at the one person he did not want to see right now… Beckett.

Her chest was heaving and her cheeks were slightly flushed and she looked flustered and angry.

"Where the  _hell_  are you going?" she heatedly demanded, pushing into the elevator once enough room opened for her to get in.

Castle moved back on instinct, and soon found himself pinned against the back wall of the elevator. The doors rattled for a moment and then closed.

"What?" he managed to choke out.

Beckett huffed angrily, and then turned away from him to pull the emergency stop on the elevator control panel. The elevator lurched and halted, the lights flickered, changing to a dim setting, leaving them in an almost pitch black. She turned back to him, her arms crossed over her chest.

"You invited me out to dinner, remember?" Beckett replied, staring at him, waiting for a response.

Castle knew it wasn't right, but he was kind of turned on. He couldn't help it if Beckett happened to be so damn hot! Clearing his throat and suppressing his baser instincts, Castle forced himself to look her in the eye.

"I… I won't be coming back," he asserted. "I'm done. I've got more than enough research to right tons of Nikki Heat books."

"Wa… why?" Beckett stammered, her expression changed, becoming deflated and sad.

 _Strange_ , Castle thought. " _Why_?" he repeated, furrowing his brow, perplexed. "I… I thought that's what you wanted." His eyes flicked in the direction the break room would be. "Especially now."

"You… you saw…?"

He watched as realization dawned on Beckett's face. It was depressing, really... knowing that the only woman he had ever truly loved was in love with someone else.

"No, Castle… no," Beckett shook her head, the heat returning to her cheeks as well as some of that anger. "It… it was nothing. He… he's the one that kissed me. I didn't kiss him. I didn't want too. And right now there's a red mark on his face to prove it."

"You slapped him?" he couldn't help but smile just a little.

Beckett stepped closer and nodded. "Yes," she said, and then added, "Really hard. I definitely left a mark, and it'll probably sting for a couple of hours."

"I… I don't understand," Castle admitted out loud. "I… I thought—"

"You thought wrong," Beckett interrupted him, stepping even closer. He swallowed, feeling uncertain, as well as sensing the beginnings of arousal with her close proximity. "I don't love him. In truth, I probably never did, not even back when I thought about marrying him."

Castle let out a shaky breath as she fully invaded his personal space. She was close… really close, and he could feel her warm moist breath on his face.

"I need to confess something to you, Castle," she said. "I… I was going to tell you months ago, back in the bookstore… after your reading, but… we were interrupted and the right time never seemed to come around and… and I… I've been over thinking things and making assumptions, doubting… But damn it… I… I can't hold it back anymore, not now. Not if you think—"

"Beckett…," he interrupted, wanting to forestall her rejection of him for as long as possible.

"No… let me talk," she heatedly declared. Beckett sucked in a deep shaky breath. "Look, I'm just going to say it… I'm still in love with you. In fact, I've never stopped loving you… even when I was with Will, I still loved you."

He swallowed and parted his lips slightly. "I…"

"Shh," she put a finger on his lips, effectively silencing him and unknowingly causing him to shiver and tingle with just the slightest touch from her. "Let me finish."

All he could manage was a grunt and brief nod. She smirked, obviously relishing the effect she had on him. Pulling back her hand, she took a deep breath and then leaned back from him, and he was finally able to breathe… the air around him smelled like cherries.

"Firstly, I want to apologize for never contacting you and at least informing you about Alexander," she said, looking away for a moment. "It was wrong, and I know that now. You had a right to know you had a son, even if I never demanded child support."

He opened his mouth to respond, but she quickly put her palm over his mouth and smirked.

"What did I say, Castle?"

He hummed against her palm and nodded his understanding. Beckett raised an eyebrow as if unconvinced, but she still removed her hand. He missed her touch and sighed, wanting it back.

"I want you to be a part of his life," she told him. "You are his father. He deserves to know you… and you deserve to know him, as well."

He grunted and she cocked her head at him.

"What?"

Licking his lips, he opened his mouth. "Can I speak now?" he inquired.

"Of course," she nodded.

He smiled at her, reaching out and grasping her hand. It was warm and soft, so much like how he remembered, but still slightly different. More solid and sure. Holding her hand in his, he slowly began to rub his thumb in circles along the top of her hand. Her eyes grew wide and he could see her pupils dilate with desire.

"Castle," her voice was breathy and low.

"I want that too, Kate," he said. "I want all of it with you… always have."

"I know," she answered, her eyes still mesmerized by the caress of his thumb over her hand.

"What do you want, Kate?" he asked, pausing in his caress to allow her a free head to think with.

Beckett took a deep breath. He watched the rise and fall of her chest. He was not leering, just watching as she breathed. He did not need to leer. He knew what was underneath the blouse she wore and how extraordinary she was. There was no need to imagine for him. Drifting his eyes up her slender neck, and past her jaw and her lips, Castle watched as her brow lowered and her nose wrinkled in concentration. He loved how she looked when she thought hard… it was adorable.

Letting out a short gasp of air, her brilliant eyes shot up to lock with his. "I want you, Castle," Beckett asserted. She let out a breath, and he watched as her whole body seemed to relax with relief at having finally confessed her deepest want. And then she repeated herself, slowly stepping closer to him, emphasizing each word. "I. Want.  _You_."

XXX

_Was this what she wanted?_

_Kate liked him, she liked him a lot… she really did, but to move to Boston with him... she didn't know if she could. Lying on her side, she gazed across the bed at his sleeping form. They'd just had sex and afterwards, as they were cuddling, he dropped that bombshell on her. She told him she'd think about it, but in the end, she already knew what the answer would be._

_Sighing, she turned onto her back and stared up at the ceiling, letting herself contemplate their whole relationship and where she really stood in it. To her, it seemed like his wants came first. He was completely oblivious to the fact that she had just made detective at homicide in the 12th precinct and that she was very happy with that and her life in general._

_Not to mention the fact that Alex was just starting school. She knew she had no desire to pull him out just when he was starting to make friends. And he loved school… he really did. He was bright and wide eyed and loved learning. Sometimes… he'd get this expression on his face when he concentrated, and it reminded her of his father… of Richard Castle._

_Castle. God, she felt so foolish and conflicted when it came to the man. Despite their sordid history and the fact that he had lied about his name, and she had completely misread the reason why, she still loved him… even obsessed about him, if her friend in the medical examiner's office could be believed. Sure, she followed the news about him online, and was even a regular in some fan forums. But unlike the other fans she chatted with, she had first hand knowledge of the man behind the books… yet she never seemed to allow her personal bitterness to overshadow the fact that she was simply a fan of his work._

_In a way it was easy, focusing on his stories and not him. But it had been hard when he married his editor at Black Pawn, Gina Cowell. The blonde was highly intelligent, successful, and obviously gorgeous. Kate often found herself staring at the tabloid images of the two together, Castle's arm draped casually over the blonde's shoulders, thinking what did Gina have that she didn't? Why did he choose Gina and not her?_

_And then there was Will. He was the closest she had come to having a real relationship since meeting Richard Castle and having Alexander. He was even good with Alex, never judged her for being a single mom, in fact, he said he admired her for it… and she liked him, maybe even loved him, but it wasn't the same as she had felt with the man she had known as Alexander Rodgers… hell, even now that she knew who he really was, she still found herself longing for him… to touch, see, and/or hear him. Yet, despite that, she could never bring herself to attend any of his readings, or even to stand in line to get an autograph copy. She did, however, stalk eBay for good deals on autographed books._

_When Will would ask her about her 'Ex'—as she always referred to Castle with him, she would only be vague in her answers, not wanting him to know how she had been so naïve and stupid to allow herself to be used like that… as nothing more than a plaything for some rich playboy who was only looking for a good time with a 20 something. Of course, she knew that was all bullshit. She had not been used. Never had. Sometimes, however, Kate would tell herself that that was what had happened. It made the separation and longing more bearable… but only a little._

_But now this—Will getting a promotion and wanting her to move to Boston with him, it sounded… permanent. It was odd, really. What Kate wanted most was a stable relationship and someone who could be a good male role model for Alex. Sure, she had her dad, but she wanted someone who wasn't a grandparent, someone who could share the load of raising the child. Her father had done that, but it wasn't right to have him give up being able to spoil his grandchild because he didn't also have to help raise him._

_Will could be that. He could be the man that helped her build a stable base and foundation for Alex to grow up in. But… Boston._

_She could not see herself doing it, leaving the force, just after making detective—the youngest to do so. And moving to Boston and living there. New York was her home. It was where she was born, where she was brought up… it was where she'd met the love of her life and had her baby… the little man she could completely depend on to love her unconditionally—her son._

_No. She couldn't. She could not move to Boston._

_Sighing, she glanced over at Will, knowing without a doubt that she had to end it, had to break-up with him. It would be hard. He was almost everything she ever wanted. If she had not met Castle and had Alexander, who knows… maybe she might have gone with him, but now, with how her life was, no… she couldn't do it._

_Will stirred in his sleep and he shifted, his arms moving to slink around her waist and pull her close to him. He hummed in approval as her nude body pressed against his. Kate tensed, not wanting to feel such intimacy with a man she was about to break up with. As gently as she could, she pried his arm from around her waist and scooted back to her side of the bed._

_Pausing, making sure that he was still asleep, she then slipped out of the covers and started hunting the dimly lit room for her clothes. They always came over to his apartment to have sex, since her place would always run the risk of being found by Alex… and that was one thing she did not want to have to explain to the young five year old._

_Pulling on her underwear and bra, she found her pants, blouse, and shoes, and rushed for the bathroom. Closing the door quietly, she flipped on the light, and quickly used the toilet. When she was washing her hands, she looked up at herself in the mirror._

_She didn't like what she saw._

_Kate felt unclean… dirty, like she was some two-timing harlot cheating on her husband. She had no idea why she felt like that, but she felt that way quite often after Will and her had made love… or were they just having sex? It confused and tormented her that she couldn't define what they had. She didn't feel this way often, but enough to make her wonder._

_Part of her thought it had to do with the fact that she would often find herself comparing Will to Castle, seeing as Will was the only other man she'd been with since the author. They were both great lovers, both very attentive, making sure it was not just them that reached that blissful high, but with Castle… with him everything had been different and… and so much better._

_And it was not just that. When she was with Castle,_ she  _felt different… emotionally. Kate had actually felt loved when she had been with Castle, even if his love had been feigned to get between her legs, which now she highly doubted. She was now thinking that it might have been real. More real than she had believed at the time. Yet that still did not diminish the fact that she had felt that. So maybe that was the problem with Will Sorenson. She liked him… she really did, but she didn't truly love him like she had loved Alexander Rodgers—loved Richard Castle._

" _Hey, babe?" came Will's voice. God, how she hated how he called her that._

_Sighing, Kate looked away from her reflection. Hearing Will making noises in the other room and calling her name, she quickly finished dressing and prepared herself for what was to come. She had to end things with Will. She hoped he understood. If she had too, she'd used her career as an excuse, because it would be more believable to him than the fact that she was still swooning over the man she feigned loathing for the fact he 'used' her, but loved because of what he'd given her._

_It was complicated, she knew… so she'd just say it was her career and leave it at that._


	18. Chapter 18

"Wa… what?" he couldn't help himself. He was completely stunned, not to mention her close proximity was so very distracting as the air around him filled with that delicious cherry scent. Castle could not believe this was happening. It was surreal, like a dream come true. He was almost tempted to pinch himself just to make sure. Was his long lost Jane finally back?

"I want you," Beckett said again, her voice low and soft. She slowly inched even closer to him. "I don't care what your name is or was… I want you. I want it all… everything. I've loved you since we first met and thought you were someone else. And when I found out you weren't who I thought you were, I wanted to hate you… I really did, but I couldn't. Despite it all—the time wasted in doubt, mistrust, misunderstandings… and lies—I have always wanted and love you." She paused, her breath coming in soft heated pants against his lips. God… she was so close. "I guess the question is, do you still want me?"

"Kate," he let out a breathy groan. Her name was the only thing he could really say at this point. The answer, of course, was a resounding yes. He'd always wanted her and only her.

His hands were shaky at first, but soon he regained enough control of his mobility to bring them up to gently cradle her face in his palms. She had a certain effect on him that no one else had, and from the quirk of her eyebrow, he assumed she knew that all too well. He brushed his thumbs along her cheeks as she closed her eyes and smiled warmly.

"Hmm," she hummed, her voice soft and sweet. "Castle?"

He made a grunt noise in response; still unable to find the words he so wanted.

"Kiss me," she instructed, her voice commanding.

Castle's hands drifted down her slender neck, letting himself relish the sensation of touching her without her flinching or pulling back. Slowly, he slipped his hands around her hips and tugged her body the rest of the way, flush against his. Her eyes were locked with his as he closed that final distance between them, ramming his mouth hard against hers in a long awaited kiss… a kiss they'd started during that night in the Loft when she had abruptly pulled back, confused and uncertain… and scared.

He knew that now. She had been scared. Worried that she was unworthy of such love, of him. But she wasn't anymore. Castle guessed the idea of him ceasing his shadowing of her at work—because he wouldn't have cut her completely out of his life if she had chosen Sorenson… they did, after all, have a son—was enough of a trigger to give her the courage and incentive she needed to admit what it was she really wanted, and no longer doubt her own deserving of it.

Beckett returned his passion and intensity, parting her lips and inviting him in. His tongue slipped into her mouth and their tongues met, sending electric sparks running throughout his body as the embrace deepened. He brought one hand up to tangle his fingers in her hair, as the other stayed low on her back, keeping her body close to his. He heard the low rumble in his chest as a moan escaped his throat, matched by one from her as their lips parted for just the briefest of moments before colliding back together.

Her hands gripped at him, tugging at him, pulling on his hair and lapels, keeping him close. Her body pressed against his and he groaned, feeling his body react so perfectly to her. Beckett ground her hips against his center and wrapped a leg around one of his. The hand he had on the small of her back drifted down and cupped her ass. Their bodies were as close as they could be when fully clothed. Despite the obstruction to their bodies reconnecting in that most exquisite of way, Castle could still tell how aroused she was… it radiated off her. He knew it was painfully obvious just how aroused  _he_  was… and with how close their bodies were pressed together, he had no doubt that Beckett knew as well.

Beckett hummed, almost in approval, and proceeded to grind her pelvis against him, his hand on her ass squeezing in response. He moved his other hand to her cheek, and held her to him, opening his mouth as he returned her deep kiss. Beckett moaned and bucked against him again, causing him to momentarily lose control. She smirked, and sucked on his lower lip as he trembled, sure he'd burst if she kept this up.

"Oh god, Kate," he let out a shaky moan, before pulling back to gasp for much needed air. If he didn't require oxygen to breathe, Castle wouldn't have pulled away, but he was light-head and dizzy, most of his blood rushing to his groin.

She laughed softly and lightly kissed the corner of his mouth, which only made things worse. "Rick…," Beckett purred seductively, running her hands down his chest, heading towards his waist. It wasn't until her fingers began to plan with his belt buckle that he snapped out of the trance she had put him in.

"We… we can't, not here," he shook his head, panting heavily. God… he wanted too, but this… this was not how he wanted their first time since separating all those years to be. Not in an elevator, standing. He wanted her on the soft mattress and silken sheets of his bed, all warm and deliciously naked. He wanted to be able to fully reacquaint himself with her sumptuous body, with the brilliance that was his Jane… er… his Kate.

Beckett let out a frustrated groan, her forehead falling against his shoulder, her hands sliding back up to rest on his chest. "I know. I just… damn it… I want you…  _so_  badly," she admitted between pants for air. Her warm breath danced across his neck and made him shiver.

Castle swallowed hard, trying to contain his own burning need to take her right there. Tightening his hold on her, he nuzzled his nose into her luscious hair, breathing in her cherry-vanilla scent of her shampoo. She shifted, placing a light kiss on his neck, before tilting her head up to look at him.

"Can you forgive me for all the lost time?" she asked, sounding a little worried.

"We both made mistakes, Kate," he replied, gently running his fingers up and down her back, reassuring her. "Let's just leave it at that and move forward."

Beckett bobbed her head in agreement, and then hugged him tightly, not wanting to let go. "Thank you," she murmured. She then leaned back and placed a light, almost chaste, kiss on his lips, surprising him. He grinned as she looked back up at him. "You said something about going out and celebrating?" she asked, quirking up an eyebrow.

He smirked and moved his hand up to caress the side of her face, brushing her hair back and tucking it behind an ear. "I think we have a lot more to celebrate now than before," Castle said, and waited to see her nod in agreement, the sight making his heart swell more than he could ever have imagined. She was no longer fighting. She was here, with him now. "Where'd you want to go?"

"Where were you planning on taking me?" she asked.

Castle swallowed hard, hesitating, wondering if his previous idea was now stupid. But it was the only thing he could think of, so his mouth moved before his brain could stop it. "The Old Haunt."

This fabulous little smile blossomed across her face and she gazed up at him with big wonderful eyes. "Castle… who knew you could be such a romantic?" she laughed, and then rolled her eyes. "Oh, wait… I do." She giggled and he was struck with how much the tight, strung Kate Beckett was acting like the carefree Jane. She was back… the woman he loved was back, but was more than before. She was so much more. And god, that just made him love her even more.

Shifting out of his hold, still giggling—a rarity in the steely detective he had come to know, Beckett arched her body to reach over towards the elevator control panel. She pushed the emergency stop button back into position and the mechanical gears groaned, the lights flickered back to full intensity, and the elevator began to move, following the original directions it had been given so long ago when Castle had first entered and rammed his hand against the first floor button.

Beckett turned into his side and sighed, resting her head against his shoulder.

"Um… don't you need to go back up and get your stuff?" he asked.

"Why?" she raised her eyebrows in confusion. "I have everything I've ever wanted right here." Beckett wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him close, burying her head in the crock of his neck. Her breath danced across his skin, giving him goosebumps.

He let out a shaky breath, more like a moan, really. "Oh, Kate," he mumbled, letting his hands glide down her back as she buried herself more into his taller frame.

"Plus," she leaned back, speaking softly, "I can get that stuff later… right now, let's… let's just go out and celebrate, both wrapping up the case… and  _us_."

Castle let out a breath and nodded. "Us?"

"Yes," Beckett nodded, and then paused. "I love you, Rick… I really do. Look, I'm not saying we should get married or anything… I'm just saying we should pick up were we left off."

"But… you wouldn't be opposed to the idea, would you?" he found himself asking. The moment the question was out of his mouth, Castle felt like slapping his forehead with how stupid he was. He'd probably just scared him off again.

For a long moment she was silent, until this soft humming noise seemed to manifest out of her. "No, I wouldn't…," she admitted, her voice a little higher than normal, as if she were stunned she was even revealing that much. Beckett quickly looked up at him and gave him a little glare. " _Castle_ ," she warned.

"No," he shook his head with a little smug grin plastered on his face. "Can't take it back. I heard you, Kate… you just said you wouldn't mind getting married to me."

She harrumphed and rolled her eyes. "Well, I guess third times the charm, eh?"

Castle's eyebrows rose involuntarily, and Beckett's smile was beaming, her eyes sparkled with amusement. She gave his arm a light squeeze and pushed up on her toes to give him a quick peck on the cheek.

"Let's just take it slow, okay?" she said. "It has been nine years, after all. And just finally admitting that I still feel the same way, and to know that you still do too… is nice, but I don't want to rush it. I… I want to do things right this time."

"As do I, Kate," Castle said, slipping his hand down her side to intertwine his fingers with hers. She looked down and smiled, giving their clenched hands a grateful squeeze. He frowned then. "Wait… does… does that mean no  _sleepovers_ , then?" he asked, glancing at her cautiously.

Beckett tilted her head slightly and a tight smile formed on her lips. "I didn't say that," she said, her voice low and breathy, telling him just want it was she wanted from him. "Just… you know, let's just take things slow."

Castle narrowed his eyes and looked at their distorted reflection in the silver metal of the elevator doors. "Um… but we can have sex, right?" he asked for clarification.

She rolled her eyes. "If you kept asking those stupid questions, then the answer will be  _no_ ," Beckett replied with a laughing smirk.

"Oh, good," he dramatically sighed in relief. "Because for a moment there I was afraid I was going to have to take a very long and very cold shower after this dinner date."

Beckett raised her eyebrow. Castle gulped and mimed zipping his lips.

"Shutting up now," he said.

"We're not having sex tonight, Castle," she informed him, looking up to ensure he was paying attention.

He glanced over at her and raised his eyebrows, confused. From her other implied statements, he had thought they would be. Maybe he'd inferred too much… or it could just be that most of his blood had yet to return from his rush towards his groin. Beckett's eyes softened as she gazed up at him, and he finally saw the love fill her eyes, making them bright and beautiful. It was a startling sight, one that nearly left him breathless.

"Then… then what are we going to—?" he fumbled to ask.

Beckett gave him a surprised look. "Make love, of course," she replied in a soft voice, a beautiful smile stretching her lips as she leaned up on her toes and lightly kissed him, easily wiping the stunned expression off his face.

Oh, she was going to kill him with soft kisses like that. Beckett leaned back with a smug smirk on her face, no doubt pleased with how much control she had over him. Oh… he was going to show her. Two could play at this game. Castle groaned and grabbed her, roughly spinning her around to push her up against the back wall of the elevator. She let out a small squeak of surprise, but then purred approvingly as his hands gripped her hips and hoisted her up.

Beckett linked her arms around his neck and pressed her lips to his, kissing him as he involuntarily bucked his hips up against hers. God… they really could do it in the elevator if they wanted. He fought to control himself, but it was difficult, especially with the soft whimpers and moans that tumbled from her mouth as he kissed his way down her slender neck.

She gasped, feeling the heat of his want. "Castle!"

Somewhere in the background, Castle was vaguely aware of the ding and the rattle of the elevator doors opening, but he was too focused on her neck to really pay attention. He pressed closer to her, pushing her further into the wall, as his hands roamed her body. One hand slinked down to her side and gripped at her thigh, while the other hand slipped up between their bodies to cup one of her breasts in his palm, pulling a delicious moan from her throat when he playfully squeezed. Castle was just about to latch onto that sweet spot behind her ear, which he knew from prior experience drove her wild, when he was violently pulled away.

Castle let out a startled gasp as he went flying backwards, landing hard, his head hitting the floor. For a moment, everything went dizzy. He heard what sounded like a cry of concern, and then he felt her kneeling besides him, her hand reaching behind his head to see if he had been injured. Slowly, the blurriness of his vision returned to somewhat normal and he saw Beckett's face, flushed, her cheeks pink. Her eyes darted around, and then they found purchase on something, and one of her infamous scowls formed. It only made her more beautiful to his eyes. She was rather cute when she was angry… but only when she wasn't angry at him.

Blinking, a little disoriented, Castle looked up from his new position on the floor, startled to discover that the elevator had returned them to the homicide squad room. Apparently they had been so absorbed in each other that neither had noticed when the elevator had reached the ground floor, waited for them to disembark, and then responded to the next call. Though, to be honest, he really wasn't surprised. It was easy to get lost in the perfection that was Kate Beckett.

As he spun his head around, the reason for his abrupt separation from his favorite detective—and the pounding in his head—came into view.

"Stay away from her, Writer  _Monkey_!" sneered Sorenson, his teeth gritted in rage.

Castle blinked and frowned. He really hated the FBI agent. The guy just couldn't take a hint. But then this little lopsided grin spread out onto his face as he noticed the red mark adorning the man's right cheek. Sorenson's eyes were blazing and he turned to Beckett.

"You okay, Kate?" he asked, the misplaced concern oozing from his lips.

Castle shifted, trying to get up, but then stopped. His hand came up to his head, and he grimaced. Sorenson must have pile-drived him into the ground when he had pulled him away from Beckett. Her hand came up and held the side of his face, her focus locked on him as she ignored Sorenson. He shook his head and blinked, looking into her eyes.

"Castle, stay down for a moment. Don't try to stand, okay?"

He nodded, and managed to mumble, "Yeah… yeah."

He let his body relaxed, and she leaned him against the wall by the elevator. Castle sighed as the pounding in his head ceased, at least for the moment. Blinking, he looked back up just in time to see Beckett jab her fist up into Sorenson's face, sending the FBI agent stumbling backwards, his head violently wrenched back.

"God… what the hell, Kate? I just rescued you," Sorenson gasped, his hand coming up to his nose as blood started to seep out.  _Oh boy_ , Castle thought, smirking,  _stupid fool completely misread what was going on_.

"You self-centered son-of-a-bitch," Beckett snarled, brow set low, eyes furiously locked on Sorenson, glaring daggers at him. Castle raised his eyebrows, enjoying this, and pleased to not be the focus of her wrath. It could be lethal. "For the record, I didn't need rescuing… and even if I did, I certainly wouldn't need it from  _you_!"

"Come on, Kate," Sorenson objected, gesturing with his free hand towards Castle. "Writer Monkey had you pinned against the elevator wall. The guy was assaulting you, for God's sake!"

" _Assaulting me_!" she scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest, her brow lowering. "Will…," Beckett paused and pinched the bridge of her nose, letting out a frustrated breath. "You have no idea what's going on… and just like always, you judged the situation incorrectly. Castle's Alexander's father... and if I didn't want him doing that to me, trust me, he'd be the one with a red slap mark on his face."

"What?" Sorenson's eyes grew wide in shock. He looked at Castle and then back at Beckett. "Alexander's father? No… no. He can't be."

"He is," Beckett declared firmly, without any hesitation, not even bothering to lower her voice. The whole scene had already called the attention of the entire floor. Ryan and Esposito were exchanging glances, both giving slight nods to confirm this to the FBI agent when he looked their way for confirmation.

"I… I," Sorenson fumbled for something to say.

"Just leave," Beckett said, turning away from him and walking over to her desk, picking up the phone. "Go back to your FBI and file your reports… and pray to God we never meet again. Oh… and don't you ever touch Castle like that again! You hear me?"

Castle watched with satisfaction as Sorenson swallowed hard and nodded, looking completely and utterly defeated.

"Right," Beckett gave a crisp nod, pausing. "Now… go and get yourself cleaned up, you're bleeding all over the floor." And with that said, she turned her back to Sorenson and dialed a number on the desk phone, holding the receiver up to her ear.

The FBI agent stood there for a moment in muted silence, glancing around for support, but no one offered him any. He scowled and glared at Castle before then stalking off towards the restrooms to tend to his nosebleed. Within moments, Beckett returned to Castle's side. She knelt down besides him and ran her hand down the side of his face.

"You okay?" she asked.

He swallowed. "Just… a… a little dizzy," he sighed and then managed a lopsided grin. "Either from that kiss or my head hitting the floor… don't know."

Beckett smiled at him. It was a warm, genuine smile. Her hand was resting on his shoulder and he could feel her fingers absently rubbing his neck. "Just… just stay here," she said. "I called Lanie, she should be up any time now."

Castle managed a nod. "You know… that… that was kind of hot," he said.

She raised her eyebrow, slightly confused. "What?"

"The way you hit Sorenson and claimed me… in front of everyone," he smiled smugly, and then winced at how smiling made his head throb.  _Dammit. Of all the days… why did this have to happen tonight? He had been looking forward to doing some 'celebrating' with his Jane… er… Kate._  " _So_  hot."

"Well, I'm glad you enjoyed the show, Castle," she said with a tight smile, her eyes sparkling with amusement, though still shadowed with concern… concern for him. That only made him smile more. Beckett bit her lower lip and shook her head at him. No doubt he was grinning like an idiot. A chime sounded and she turned her head. "Lanie's here… now, Castle," Beckett looked back at him with a stern look, "I want you to behave, okay?"

"For you… yes," Castle said, pursing his lips and feigning a pout.

XXX

_Detectives Ryan and Esposito were already there, waiting for her by the door. She stepped out of the elevator and looked down the hall, spotting them easily. Walking over to them, she noticed Esposito smirk and nudge Ryan with his elbow._

" _Boys," Kate nodded and ducked under the yellow tape as a uniform officer held it up for her._

" _Boss," the two detectives chimed in unison._

" _We've got a freaky one here," Ryan added._

_Kate smirked and shook her head as she walked in the direction of the crime scene techs, swarming around a table, cameras flashing as they documented the crime scene._

" _Well, you know me, boys, I like the freaky ones," she said, looking over her shoulder at them as they followed._

_Esposito laughed and Ryan shook his head. Turning her attention away from the junior detectives, Kate focused on the crime scene before her. A CSU tech stepped out of her way and Kate put her hands on her hips as she crouched down along side the body, scanning the scene, taking in the young blonde woman covered in red rose petals._

" _Who are you?" she murmured softly._

_"Alison Tisdale," came Esposito's voice. "24, grad student at NYU. Part of the social work program."_

_Kate raised an eyebrow and looked around at the décor and the room itself, taking it all in. "Nice place for a social worker," she observed._

" _Daddy's money," Ryan commented, opening his notepad._

" _Neighbors called to complain about the music," Esposito continued his report, pausing to give Ryan a pointed look. "When she didn't answer, they had the super check on her."_

_Kate nodded and turned back to the body, scanning it again. "No signs of a struggle," she said. She stared at the girl's face. Her eyes covered in yellow flowers. "He knew her."_

" _Even brought her flowers," it was Lanie this time. Kate stood up and looked up to see her best friend coming over. "Who says romance is dead?"_

_Kate clenched her jaw and lowered her voice. "I do, every Saturday night."_

" _A little lipstick wouldn't hurt," Lanie commented, earning a little glare from Kate. "I'm just saying."_

" _So… what'd he give her besides roses?"_

_Lanie leaned over the body and used some tweezers to move some of the rose pedals away. "Two shots to the chest," she noted. "Small caliber."_

_Kate crossed her arms over her chest and paced around the body, finally taking in how it was posed. The flowers, the way the body had been laid down on the table. It was all too familiar… like she had seen it before. She frowned, her eyebrows knitting together._

" _Does this look familiar to anyone?" she asked, looking up at the other detectives._

_Both Ryan and Esposito shook their heads._

" _No, but… I'm not the one with a thing for freaky ones," Esposito answered. He looked over at Ryan. "Just give me a 'Jack shot Jill over Bill' so I can get my collar and go home."_

" _Yeah, well, you're not the only one who wants to be home now," Kate replied, giving him a little glare._

" _Yeah, sorry," Esposito bobbed his head. "How's Alex?"_

" _Good," she replied. "But, we were supposed to go to a movie tonight, but I'm here instead."_

" _Sorry, Boss," Esposito said. "If you want… Ryan and I can take care of this one."_

_Kate shook her head. "No, that's okay," she was kind of already invested in this case. She paused and looked down at the body. "You know, the freaky ones require more attention," she said, walking back to the body. "They reveal more." Kate walked around the body and gestured in a sweeping motion of her arm. "Look at how he left her. Covered modestly."_

" _So?" Ryan asked, stepping forward, his brow furrowing._

" _So… despite all the effort, all of the preparation, you won't find any evidence of sexual abuse," she said, knowing that every word she was saying was the truth without requiring her friend from the medical examiner's office to confirm it._

_Esposito raised a skeptical eyebrow. "You really get that from just this?" he asked._

" _This… plus, I've seen this before," she admitted, her eyebrows coming together for a moment as she remembered the source._

" _You've seen it before? Where?" Ryan asked, glancing over at Lanie and Esposito before returning his gaze to her._

" _Roses on her body, sunflowers on her eyes?" Kate raised her eyebrows, hoping they'd catch on with what she was referring to. She thought it was obvious._

_Both Ryan and Esposito looked completely lost._

_She huffed and rolled her eyes. "Don't you guys read?"_

_Seeing that she wasn't going to get anything out of them, she told them about the book by Richard Castle entitled_ Flowers For Your Grave _, and how the killer had arranged the body in much the same way at the villain in the book._

" _Hey, we should probably bring this Castle dude in for questioning," Esposito put forth, Ryan nodding as he busily wrote down everything that Kate had told them about the book._

" _I… I don't know if that's really necessary," Kate said, frowning. "I got all his books, we can just use them."_

" _What?" Esposito raised his eyebrows. "A fan, are we?"_

" _No," she shot out, giving him a glare. "Just… I don't see the point in having to bring him in for questioning."_

" _Kate," it was Lanie and she was giving her_ that  _look. The look Kate hated._

_She let out a frustrated sigh and rolled her eyes. "Fine," she relented. "We'll go pick up Richard Castle and question him."_

_Then a thought struck her and her eyes narrowed. Maybe he'd done this? She'd been reading on the fan forums that he was killing off Derrick Storm. Perhaps the master of the macabre was getting bored with killing fictional characters and was now going for the real thing._

_Sure… her opinion might be bias… clouded by a colored past, but it was a good start to this case. It was, after all, their only lead._

" _Yeah," she said, nodding a little too vigorously. "Let's go pick him up."_


	19. Chapter 19

Castle sighed. Oh, how he wished tonight had gone differently. Beckett had just admitted to still being in love with him, and they were all set to go out to dinner… and maybe back to his place for a little fun… but, of course, the universe had different plans. He shifted in the uncomfortable chair, looking through the break room windows at the bullpen. Beckett was currently talking with Captain Montgomery. He supposed it had something to do with the incident involving Sorenson and the elevator.

He kept replaying the entire scene over and over in his mind, ignoring Lanie as she hovered over him, examining the bump on the back of his head. Kate Beckett had claimed him, right there, in front of everyone… and declared, for all to hear and see, that he was the father of her child. She had not once hesitated in saying so. It was brilliant, is what it was!

He couldn't stop the lopsided grin from blossoming on his face as he kept seeing her punch Sorenson square in the face.  _God… that was hot. So hot_. Castle found himself wishing they could just vamoose out of the precinct, skip dinner, and go back to his place… but no… he didn't think that was going to happen tonight. Their departure had been delayed, significantly delayed thanks to Sorenson, and it was starting to get late.

After a long interval, Beckett came marching back into the break room, essentially to check on him.

"How's he doing?" she asked, dropping into the seat beside him and glancing up at Lanie.

"He's doing fine," Lanie replied, handing Castle an icepack.

He hissed, pressing the icepack to the back of his head. "I feel like pressing charges," he said. "Can I press charges?"

Beckett smirked and her eyes danced with amusement. "Well, if we did that, we'd probably have to see him again… in court," she pointed out, biting her lower lip. "I think giving him a broken nose is punishment enough, don't you?"

"You broke his nose?"

"Yeah," Beckett admitted, nodding slightly, looking a little stunned.

"Again… I repeat…  _so_  hot," he mumbled, earning a pursed lip smile and eye roll from Beckett, and a light chuckle from Lanie as she slipped into the seat next to Beckett.

"So, broken nose, eh?" he questioned, turning to look at the M.E.

"Yeah… I checked," Lanie said, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning back. "The guy's a big baby. Wouldn't leave until I checked it out." She turned to Beckett. "Kate, whatever you saw in  _that_  man, I don't know."

Beckett shrugged, but Castle could tell she was a little embarrassed about the whole thing, and how she had reacted. He leaned forward in his chair, and with his free hand, grabbed hers and squeezed it reassuringly. Her eyes darted up to his, and she smiled meekly, her eyes thanking him for his assurance. Sighing, he leaned back and glanced at Lanie.

"So… give me the news, Doc?" Castle inquired cheekily as Lanie stared at him, utterly confused. "Am I gonna make it?"

The M.E. scoffed, rolling her eyes, and turning towards Beckett. "He's almost as bad," she commented, and then turned back to him. "Swelling has already gone down. I don't think it was that bad… more shock than anything else."

Castle sighed. "That's a relief—"

"Though, you'll probably have a killer headache in the morning," Lanie quickly added.

"Damn," he grumbled, rubbing the back of his head as Lanie grinned.

Beckett noticed the smirk on her friend's face and she raised her eyebrows in question. "Lanie?"

The M.E. pursed her lips together, but it was clear, at least to Castle, that she wanted to burst with joy… he could see it in her expressive eyes.

" _Lanie_?" Beckett added a harder edge to her voice.

" _So_ … is it true what I've been hearing?" Lanie asked, looking between the two and smiling.

"Um… what?" Beckett feigned ignorance.

"Oh, please, girl," Lanie shook her head. "You and Writer Boy making out… in the elevator. True or false?"

Castle turned towards Beckett, amused when he saw her cheeks immediately turn a decidedly darker shade of pink. He waited to see what the detective would do, because if anyone told the M.E., it had to be Beckett. Slowly, he watched as she took a deep breath, before nodding.

"It's true," Beckett immediately began blushing all the more.

Lanie visibly shook with joy. "Girl… this is so great!" she leaned forward, planting her elbows on the table. "Now… true or false, Writer Boy here, had you pinned up against the wall and had his hands all over you?"

Beckett's eyes widen. "Oh God… I… it completely slipped my mind… everyone… everyone saw that?" she looked so mortified, turning to Castle for help.

"Um… yes, that's true, Lanie," he said, swallowing past the lump in his throat as he vividly recalled every detail of their elevator encounter.

"I can't believe I missed it all," Lanie slumped back in her chair, looking disappointed.

"Yeah… well, um…," Beckett cleared her throat. "That's… uh…" her brow furrowed. "I forgot what I was going to say."

"You don't have to look so embarrassed, Kate," Lanie reassured her friend, patting her on the arm. "It's alright to have a little fun once and a while… especially if its with Writer Boy here."

"Writer Boy? Seriously?" Castle interjected, cocking his head in confusion.

"Long story," Beckett cut in, giving him a playful smirk.

"Sometime I'd like to here it," he replied, returning the playful grin… though his was decidedly more wolfish.

"Maybe," she shrugged her shoulders, noncommittally.

Lanie sighed and glanced down at her watch. "Well, as much as I'd love to stay here and grill you two, I've got an early shift tomorrow, so I better get going."

Beckett raised her eyebrows and looked at her own watch. "Oh my, it is late," she moved to stand, but then stopped.

Noticing her hesitation, Lanie smiled. "Had plans, you two?"

"Um… sort of… yes," she replied, lower her brow and glancing over at Castle, her eyes so very expressive, telling him exactly what she wanted to do tonight.

"Okay," Lanie chuckled, winking at her friend. She then turned to Castle. "You be good to her, you hear?"

Castle gave a nod and salute. "Yes, ma'am."

Lanie smirked and then left, leaving them alone in the break room. Beckett let out a breath; her cheeks still that pink tint. Castle adjusted the icepack on the back of his head, and sighed.

"So… dinner's probably off the table, huh?" he asked, glancing up at her.

"Yeah," she lowered her head, brushing her hair back with her hands. "Damn… I was really looking forward to it. I'm sorry."

"Hey," Castle dropped the icepack, feeling better. He reached over and took both of her hands in his. "It's not your fault. Okay?"

She nodded, and sighed. "I… I just wish…," she paused and looked up at him, her eyes large and wide. "Castle…?"

"Hmm?" he hummed in response, lost in the hazel-green of her eyes.

"Your bedroom… at the Loft… where… where is it?" she asked.

"Why?"

"Just… um…," Beckett looked around and then leaned closer to him, lowering her voice. "It would be awkward if Alexis or your mother heard us."

"Oh!" he raised his eyebrows, surprised. He didn't think they'd be doing that tonight. Castle blinked and looked back up at her, grinning boyishly.

Her eyes sparkled as she smiled back. "So?"

"First floor, in the back, behind my office," he quickly replied. "Mother and Alexis are on the second floor… on the opposite side of the Loft."

Beckett smiled, and stood, pulling him up with her. He moved his hand up and caressed side of her face with his hand, watching as she closed her eyes and sighed, easing into his touch.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "You… we don't have to, you know? You don't have to feel obligated because of what happened earlier. I don't want you to feel pressured. Besides… we've waited nine years to—"

She raised a hand and silenced him, covering his mouth with her palm. Their eyes were locked and he could see the depth of her longing and want reflecting back. "No doubts, no pressure,  _Rick_ ," she spoke softly, emphasizing the use of his first name. "I want to. I want you. In all honesty, I… I need you. It's been too long since I've felt you. And I want it… I want it so badly."

He gulped, seeing the truth in her eyes. Slowly, she removed her hand. "How long has it been?" he asked, and then felt like slamming his palm against his forehead.  _Stupid question!_

Beckett looked at him, shocked. "I… er…," her eyebrows came together as she looked at him. "Two years… close to three. So… um… I might be a little rusty." She looked up at him, a little worried.

"You're perfect, Kate," he said, returning his hand to her cheek. "I love you… and that's all the matters."

"Rick…," she whimpered.

He closed the distance between them, kissing her soft and slow, giving her a taste of the evening he had planned. When they were finally reunited, he wanted to take his time and enjoy it. He didn't want it to be a rushed job. He wanted to be thorough and expansive, covering all the bases, so to speak.

Beckett moaned into his mouth as his other hand came around her waist and pulled her closer to him. Castle deepened the kiss, brushing his tongue over her lips until she parted them for him. But before it went any further, he pulled back and rested his forehead against hers, breathing heavily. They stayed like that for a while, sharing air.

"If our kisses are any indication… nothing has really changed," Beckett panted softly.

"Well, I'm older…," he put forth.

She shook her head and playfully hit him on the shoulder. "If I remember, last time you questioned that, I proved you wrong."

His eyes sparkled with the memory. "Yeah… I remember," his voice was low and husky.

"Let… let me just call my dad and let him know I won't be home tonight, okay?" Beckett finally spoke, her voice light and airy, almost giddy.

While Beckett stepped away to make her call, Castle retrieved their things. His stomach growled as he waited for her by the elevator doors. He frowned, commanding his body to ignore it. He wasn't going to allow something as stupid as his hunger from impeding his reunion with the woman he loved. It had been nine years since he'd last explored her body. He was almost ten years older than he had been back then. He hoped he didn't disappoint.

"Ready?"

He blinked, startled, looking up to see her by his side. "Yeah, ready," he replied holding up her coat. Beckett smiled and turned around, allowing him to help her into it.

They rode the elevator down to the lobby in a comfortable silence, as she leaned against him. His mind wandered, remembering all the gasps and panting moans from their past. Then—curse his body—he yawned. Beckett looked up at him, her eyebrows knitting together. He swallowed hard, and averted his eyes.

"Tired?"

"Not enough to back out of making love to you," he replied with a grin and wink, kissing the top of her head. No doubt he now had an idiotic grin plastered on his face. Beckett rolled her eyes at him, but returned the gesture, smiling widely and leaning more into him.

When the doors rattled open on the ground floor, Castle was pleasantly surprised when she didn't pull away from him. Instead, they walked right out of the precinct, arm in arm, ignoring the stunned look from the desk sergeant.

His heart pounded profoundly in his chest as he realized it had finally come… the day he had longed for since he first saw his stunning Jane again. And it struck him how things really didn't seem all that different. Beckett's arm looped around his was so much like how it had been with Jane, same feeling, same warmth radiating off her body. But things were different as well. Though those differences weren't enough to really matter… in fact, they only seemed to make things better.

Both of them had matured and grown… all right, maybe her more than him, he would always be somewhat childlike… but that was part of his charm, right?

They got a cab and Beckett detached from him to climb into the back. He followed and sat down, soon finding her scooting over to snuggle up close to him as he gave the cab driver directions to the Loft.

"This might seem funny, but I'm actually kind of nervous," he admitted softly, turning his head to look at her.

She looked at him and her brow furrowed. "You? Nervous?"

He swallowed hard. "Besides Gina and Meredith… which I still deeply regret…," Castle spoke in a serious tone. "I… I haven't been with anyone else. And with Meredith… it… it was kind of rushed and sloppy, really. I just… just needed to get it out of my system, you know?"

Beckett nodded, her eyes narrowing. "Because of me," she said softly.

"I never blamed you," he said.

"I never said you did," Beckett replied, frowning. "But it's my fault you were there, in need… left wanting."

"I…," he sighed, averting his eyes. "I can't believe I brought it up. I've probably just killed the mood."

"No, you didn't," she said, shifting closer him and running a hand up his thigh.

"I'm… I…," he gulped and nodded. "I just want to please you, Kate. I… I want it to be perfect… and I'm worried I'm not up to the task. You… you're the only woman I've ever really made love to. I've had sex with other women, but what we had… you and me, Kate… that was different, it was better. More real and raw… and… and pure."

"Don't worry, Rick. You can never disappoint me," Beckett reassured him. "Never." She leaned up and kissed him deeply, trying to assure him that what he had to offer was more than enough for her. Backing away, she nipped at his nose and smirked. "Okay?"

He chuckled and gave a nod and kissed the top of her head while he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her more securely into his side. Beckett let out a content sigh, and they sat in silence for a while, listening to the sounds of the city traffic as they rode in the cab.

"Castle?" when her voice came it was soft and worried sounding.

"Yes?" Castle tilted his head down to look at her, raising an eyebrow, concerned that she was going to suddenly change her mind and take it all back.

"Alexis?"

Internally he sighed in relief. Then he wrapped his mind around what she had said, and he frowned in confusion. "What about her?"

"How does  _she_  feel?"

"About what?" he was still lost as to what she was getting at.

She huffed in annoyance. "About me, what else would I be talking about?"

Oh. His mind wasn't exactly working fully right now. After all, he'd just had the most deliciously steamy kiss with a certain detective. "Oh," he frowned in thought. "She likes you, Kate. She really does. And Alex and her get along splendidly. I know it's only been less than half a year, but it almost seems like they've always been together."

Beckett smiled. "Alex really enjoys his time at the Loft."

"And we enjoy having him over," Castle nodded. "All of us, including Mother. She loves doting on her grandchildren."

She paused for a moment, and narrowed her eyes. "When did you tell her… and Alexis… that I was Jane?"

"Why?"

"Just curious, because I could tell they already knew before we told Alex the truth," Beckett replied, glancing up at him and waiting for his response.

"After the book reading," he informed her.

"Oh… OH!" she suddenly got it, her eyebrows shooting up. "I came over to you with Alex, holding my hand. He called me  _Mom_  right in front of you all."

"Yes, he did," Castle nodded. "Peaked my mother's interest, it did."

"And you told her, didn't you?"

"Couldn't lie to my own mother," he defended himself. "I told her that you were Jane and that Alexander was our son."

"And how did she take it when you told her?" Beckett asked, chewing on her lower lip. She was so adorable when she was nervous.

"She fainted," he shrugged.

" _Really_?" she nearly shouted, her hold on his arm tightening.

"No," he laughed, and she punched him on the shoulder. He feigned a pout, but continued. "She was shocked, yes, but she was more confused than anything else. Alexis… well, Alexis had pretty much already guessed that you were Jane."

"The launch party?"

Castle nodded.

"And how did she take the news that she was a big sister?" Beckett inquired, looking anxious again.

"Surprisingly well," he said. "In fact, she's been hounding me for a while to try and patch things back up with you. Not just for herself, but for Alex as well."

Beckett nodded, and he could literally feel her relax against him. "I guess I can understand that, seeing how you practically had to raise her by yourself," she replied. "So the idea of having a normal family would be appealing to her."

"Hey, not just her," Castle objected lightly. "I've been wanting a normal family for a lot longer."

She smiled tightly and looked up at him apologetically. "I know… and… and I'm sorry that I forced you to wait for so long," she asserted.

Castle chuckled, feeling more at ease now than he had two hours ago when he thought she was going to be getting back with Sorenson. She was here, with him, and snuggled close, her scent overwhelming his olfactory senses.

"I bet your dad hated me, didn't he? Back then, I mean," he said.

"He didn't hate you," Beckett said, shifting besides him. "Okay… maybe a little. After all, you did knock up his baby girl."

"I would have been there for you if I had known," he asserted, feeling the need to say it again… if just to reassure her again of his commitment to this newly reformed relationship.

"I know," she sighed. "And I really didn't let his animosity sit for too long. I made it clear that it was all my decision… so he just sat back and enjoyed being a grandfather."

"Stubborn all the way, eh?" he smirked.

"Huh?"

"Wanting to do it all on your own," he elaborated, his eyes sparkling as he gazed down at her.

Beckett gave him a wiry smile. "I guess I felt like I needed to prove something to myself… and to him."

"Well, from what I've seen from Alex, you've done a remarkable job with him," Castle said. "Oh… and by the way, I meant to ask—"

" _Jander20_ ," she answered before he could finish, already knowing his question.

Castle felt like he'd just been hit by a sledgehammer. As a rule he didn't usually check out fan sites, but sometimes Alexis would go on to see what they were saying about him, and she had once found this debate amongst the fans when word leaked that he was killing off Derrick Storm. A user by the name of  _Jander20_  had been his most vocal supporter.

"You defended me," he said, still shocked.

"I may have been mad and confused when it came to you personally, but I still loved your books," she explained. "And I think part of me understood, more so than the others, why you were killing off Derrick."

His eyebrow twitched as he suddenly remembered reading  _Jander20_ 's most current post. She seemed to sense his sudden revelation, because she tensed, preparing herself.

"I thought you said you didn't like the name of Nikki Heat," he said.

"I don't," she grumbled, frowning.

"Then how come  _Jander20_  is so vigorously defending my name choice on the fan forums?" he asked, smirking with amusement.

Beckett swallowed hard and flicked her eyes up to his. A small smile touched her lips. "What I personally think about the name is between me and you, but when some stupid fan girl starts ripping on it, well, that's an entirely different matter."

Castle could not help but laugh. Even when she was pissed as hell at him, disapproved of his name choice, she would defend him and support his creativity. It baffled him, but also warmed a part of him that only she had ever touched. It felt good. It had been so long since he had felt this way.

"Thank you, Jane," he said softly and kissed the top of her head. He froze. "Uh… I mean, Kate… of course." Castle's heart pounded in his chest.

Beckett glanced at him with a raised eyebrow, silent and still. But then, this glorious smile spread across her face. " _What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet_ ," she quoted Shakespeare to him. He blinked, and smiled. "Whatever you call me, Castle… be it Jane, Kate… or," she frowned a little, " _Nikki Heat_ … I'm yours." And then she leaned forward, pressing a slow and deliberately seductive kiss to his lips. "Always."

XXX

_This was a bad idea._

_How many years had it been? She couldn't remember._

_Kate had kept her eye on Castle—or she had only ever known in person as Alexander Rodgers—throughout the intervening years, almost like an obsessed fan—all right, not almost. She had managed to move on, even started dating a FBI agent when she was working at making detective. However, Will had never truly understood her the way Alexander had understood Jane, and Jane… well, Jane was just a watered down version of the real Kate Beckett._

_But things didn't work with Will. He wanted her to move to Boston with him when he got reassigned. It was a promotion for him, but Kate liked where she was and was unwilling to give up her career for Will. At least, that's the excuse she used._

_And after all, she still had her books… her memories of being with the author. They weren't bad memories. They were happy ones… and the result of that month together was well worth the emotional baggage she now carried into any relationship. She loved her little Alexander with a passion and he was the single most important thing in her life. She wouldn't trade anything in the world for him._

_After all that time, all the struggle to get over him… over them, Kate Beckett now found herself walking up to the building where the launch party for_ Storm Falls  _was being held, ready to bring him in for questioning about an imitation of the murder in those in his books._

_As she walked into the room, she could not help but seek him out immediately. It was hard not too. She was drawn to him like a magnet. It was biological, natural. And she hated him for it._

_He was sitting there, talking with his daughter. When he had portrayed himself as Alexander Rodgers, Castle had told her about Alexis, but when she had discovered the truth about his identity, she had believed it all to be a lie… a grand lie that he had weave to get into her pants._

_Forcing down her feelings of betrayal and regret… and a whole assortment of other emotions, Kate turned herself into Detective Beckett. She marched through the sea of people and called his name._

" _Mr. Castle?"_

_He spun around, a smile on his face and a Sharpie marker raised, no doubt ready and willing to sign her chest—the jackass. When his eyes finally flirted up from her breasts and caught sight of her face, she raised her badge and shoved it into his face._

" _Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD. We need to ask you a few questions about a murder that took place earlier tonight." She rushed it out as quickly as possible, saying it all in just one breath. When she was finished, she sucked in a quick breath and scanned his face, unable to hide the worried expression over how he was going to react._

_He sat there in muted silence for the longest time, simply staring at her. His daughter, looked on with a curious expression after she had leaned over and snatched the Sharpie from him. She had said something, but Kate had missed it, completely absorbed with seeing Castle again, face-to-face. She had avoided going to any readings or book signings for this very reason._

_Finally, he blinked and gazed up at her, his jaw slack with confusion. He looked pale, like he had just seen a ghost._

" _Ja… Jane?"_


	20. Chapter 20

Castle woke to an unsettling sensation… a pounding head. Groaning, he shifted off his side and onto his back, bringing his hand up to hold his throbbing head. He couldn't really remember entirely what happened last night… most of it seemed like a dream… or had it been real? He wasn't sure. The one thing he was certain about was that he had pinned Beckett up against the back of the elevator, kissed her senseless while allowing his hands to wander over her delicious body. But then something happened and everything else was a daze.

He knitted his eyebrows together and groaned again as the throbbing seemed to be almost blinding. It felt like little needles were assaulting his brain. God… what he remembered, or at least what he thought he remembered from last night was something he desperately wished was more than a dream.

He could vividly recall it, tumbling into the Loft at an ungodly hour with Beckett around his arm, her body soft and warm against his as they fell onto the bed, frantic in their need to remove the other of their clothing. It seemed so vivid, and so real, he hoped it wasn't a dream. He'd often had such dreams about Kate Beckett—about Jane—and then he'd wake up and discover the truth of the matter… that it wasn't real and he'd imagined it all.

Lost in his thoughts, he was startled when an arm slowly snaked around his waist and the soft supple curves of a feminine body pressed up against his side. He stilled, completely at a loss for what this was… real or imagined? The subtle scent of cherries filled the air, and he opened his eyes, pushing past the throbbing pain in his head, praying to god his olfactory senses just weren't playing tricks on him.

Was he having a waking dream? Or was he still asleep, drifting through the wonderfully bliss of slumber? Rubbing his eyes, Castle looked down to see what his eyes would tell him. It was her. She was here… this… this was real. He blinked, stunned, and watched as she nuzzled into his side, her body as bare as his… oh… he was naked! She was naked! Her leg moved, slinking it around his, further intertwining them together and she nestled closer to him, burying her face in the crook of his shoulder. She hummed, softly, in contentment, and it vibrated throughout his chest as her lips touched his flesh in a light kiss.

"Morning, Rick," she spoke, sleepily, her voice was soft and velvety… music to his ears.

He gulped, finding it hard to speak. He suddenly remembered the reason for his pounding head and silently cursed. God, he hoped she hadn't done this just because of that. And that he'd been clear headed enough to fully please her, and give her everything he'd longed to give her since that night she had walked back into his life. He shifted, allowing his arms to wrap around her as he relished in the feel of her bare skin under his fingertips.

"So it wasn't a dream?" he mumbled, his voice heavy from sleep.

"God, I hope not," Beckett mumbled into his side, laughing softly. She lifted her head and looked at him, her eyes soft and warm. He smirked, hopeful, seeing how her hair was tousled and her lips slightly swollen, evidence of some pretty intense and passionate kissing. She rubbed her hand over his chest and he shivered.  _Yes. This was real_.

He blinked and it all came back to him, rushing past the pounding in his head. His breath hitched up and he felt a spring of arousal course through him as he remembered all the vivid details of their intimate reunion. They had both been nervous, and they'd spent a great deal of time reacquainting themselves with the others body, exploring all the places they remembered, seeing if their touch still had the same effect. And it did… always did.

Castle remembered slowly kissing his way down her neck, grazing his teeth along her collarbone, and then burying his face in the soft rise and fall of her chest. His hands explored her legs and thighs, his fingernails scraping gently along her smooth skin. She parted her legs and allowed his talented fingers in as he continued to worship her torso, making his way down to her navel.

When she was softly mewling, pleading with him to take her, make her his all over again, as it should be, he had climbed back up, torturously slow, not in a real rush to get it over. He knew he probably couldn't last long. The wait and anticipation to be with her in this manner had been difficult, and, for the moment, he had just wanted to simply enjoy seeing her beneath him again, of feeling the warmth of her body, of her heat, radiating out and encompass him. Her arms looped around his neck and pulled him to her, their mouths locking in a singularly powerful kiss.

Then they were one… and it was glorious. The same, yet different… better. More fulfilling, more right… more pure. Their movements that of lovers, of friends long lost, but now found. They were quite literally of one mind, and what they did that night could not be put into words. It was the blending, fusion, of two souls. It was righteous. It was simple. It was what it was. It was love.

"Hmm," her singsong hum called him back to the present, her fingers dancing along his chest, running patterns and circles. "Last night was… amazing." She looked up at him, smiling widely. It was a beaming smile, filled with so much that he could hardly believe he had put it on her face.

"Yes," he nodded in agreement. "It certainly was."

"The best," she concurred, grinning against him, lightly kissing his neck.

Castle shifted, turning onto his side until they were face to face. Her eyes sparkled when his locked with hers. Her hands came up and gently cradled his face as she pressed a soft kiss against his lips.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"For what?" he thought he should be the one thanking her. It had been a long time… nine years to be exact… since he had last experienced what he had felt last night, with her.

"For just loving me," she replied. "If it had not been for you, I wouldn't have ever come out of the spiraling descent that my mother's death caused. I was filled with darkness then, but you… you were my light, Rick… and you returned me to the living, to life." Beckett leaned forward again, softly planting kisses along his jaw, before moving up to recapture his mouth.

He moaned, his throat vibrating with the sensation, her deep kiss taking his breath away.

"I love you, Richard Castle," she purred against his lips.

Castle chuckled, not sure why, but he felt like laughing. "And I love you, Kate Beckett," he answered, cupping her face in his hand and pulling her back for another deep kiss. His heart pounded in his chest as she opened to him, allowing him to roll her onto her back as he moved over her, settling himself between her open and inviting legs. His hand fell away and he touched her, touched as he had all those years ago… and as he had last night.

They made love again… slow and tender, basking in the glow of it, each relishing being with the other... uniting together as only they could. He brought them towards the edge, and then paused, pulling back, before picking the pace up to throw them off the cliff, diving head long. She gripped his shoulders and screamed as she came undone, moaning his name, holding him to her. He followed her, as he always did, and soon they were a tangled mess of flesh and limbs, sweat and exhaustion.

"Extraordinary," he crooned, nuzzling into her neck, kissing that sweet spot behind her ear as she squirmed and moaned in approval.

"The best," she responded, her voice breathy and full, so sated and satisfied.

Her hands ran up and down his bare back, pulling him back to her for another kiss and for a time, they both lost themselves in that kiss. It was only the shrill sudden ringing of her cell phone that interrupted them. Cursing, Beckett leaned back into the pillow and looked up at him with apologetic eyes. He shifted off of her and allowed her to roll over onto her chest, stretching across the bed to reach for her cell. He took the opportunity to run his hand along her perfect little backside.

"Not helping, Castle," she gritted her teeth and looked up at him.

He smirked, and loomed over her, kissing her bare back. She shuddered, and her body immediately began to warm under his caresses. She groaned and fumbled for her phone, finally grabbing it and pulling it to her ear.

"Beckett!" she snapped out, her voice not hiding any evidence that she was greatly displeased with the interruption.

Castle hovered behind her, lightly caressing her skin and kissing the nape of her neck, simply enjoying the amount of unease he caused her as she tried to stifle moans and other soft whimpers as she spoke with the other person on the other end of the line.

"Right, okay… we'll be there… yes… I said  _we'll_!" she snapped and then flipped the phone shut, groaning as she turned around, forcing Castle to lean back and cease his teasing kisses.

"Let me guess, we've got a case?" he questioned.

"Yeah," she groaned, brushing her hair back from her face. "Damn it… I was kind of planning a lazy day in bed… with you." She smirked.

"We'll have other days," he promised.

"True… but," she sighed. "This would have been our first day… and… and I wanted it to be special."

"Kate," he placed his hand on her cheek, making her look at him. "It is special. Just being with you, wherever… however it is, it makes it special, simply because I'm with you."

She smiled up at him, bringing her arm up around his neck and leaning up to give him a sweet warm kiss. "I love you," she said, and then pushed him back. "Now, let's get dressed… Espo and Ryan are waiting for us at the scene."

Castle watched with amusement as she rose off the bed. His eyes milked in the delicious goodness that was Kate Beckett naked in his room. He shifted and rested his elbow on the bed as he held up his head.

"We're going straight from here?" he asked, watching as she leaned down to gather up her clothes. "You don't mind doing the walk of shame, eh?"

Beckett snorted and glanced over her shoulder at him as she tugged her underwear up. "That would imply that I'm ashamed of what we did last night…," she drawled out slowly, letting him hang there for a moment, wondering. "And this morning… which I'm not. We didn't do anything that neither of us should be ashamed of."

"Really? What about—"

Her eyes widened. " _That_ … Mr. Castle, stays between us," she said, giving him a pointed look that wasn't half as deadly as one of her glares. "No bragging about it, okay? Especially with the boys."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Castle said, rolling over and jumping off the bed.

God, he felt so much younger than he had the previous night, and the morning activities seemed to have cleared his head. Or maybe it was just that he was so in love and so happy, he just couldn't feel it. He glanced over at Beckett and noticed her eyes on him. He smirked.

"Checking me out, eh?"

"No, I'm not," she snapped back, frowning. She really wasn't that good at lying.

"Yes you were," he interjected, smiling widely as he went to the closet to find a fashionable shirt and blazer.

"Alright, maybe I was…," she grudgingly admitted, flashing him a quick smile. "Doesn't take away the fact that you couldn't take your eyes off me, either."

"I never denied that," he said, turning to look at her with a smirk as he laid out his clothing.

Beckett looked at him with a quirked eyebrow, and then reached for her jeans. He grabbed her hand and she startled, looking up at him with a little glare.

"Castle, we don't have time for—"

"I know," he said, batting his eyes at her. "I just thought we should probably take a quick shower before leaving."

Beckett furrowed her brow and looked at him. Her mouth dropped and she nodded numbly. "God, yes… what was I thinking getting dressed so quickly? We need to get cleaned up… not that I don't mind having your smell all over me, but we'll take enough ribbing from the boys for that without appearing on scene with tousled hair and disheveled clothing," she mumbled, quickly kicking her underwear off and unhooking her bra. She grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the bathroom. "Maybe one more time in the shower. What do you think… a quickie… can you manage?"

Castle quirked up his lips. "For you… anything, my dear detective," he answered as he stumbled behind her.

XXX

_God… he was so infuriating! Sure, he'd been of some help—some—on the Tisdale case, but this… she… she just couldn't form the words to truly express how irritated it made her. She really didn't know why he was here. Was it for the book, or was it because he wanted to be near her again? Her heart wanted to believe the latter, but she had to be realistic._

_A lot of time had passed, too much time, he'd probably already moved on, found someone new. But then why was he here, sitting beside her desk, staring at her all creepily, having just weaseled his way into her life… essentially for the purposes of doing 'research' for his next book (which was kind of flattering, though she'd never admit it)._

_Swallowing, Kate tried to focus on her paperwork, but his eyes were too distracting. And it didn't help that just the fact that he was looking at her made her all warm and tingling inside. She had slipped. She knew it, and had let some of her bitterness through. She wasn't really mad at him, more at herself, but it was easier to be mad at him. So easy. He was something she could focus her wrath on. And it didn't help that she had caught him staring at her chest and not looking her in the eye when she spoke to him. No doubt, whenever he walked behind her, he was checking out her ass._

_A slight flush warmed her cheeks at the thought. Why did her heart swell at that? Why? She thought she had gotten over him. Sure, Will hadn't been the right guy, and she'd been single now for what seemed like so long that Kate really didn't know what it felt like to be with someone._

_Glancing over, deciding she needed some time to absorb this latest bump in her life, Kate told Castle to go home. After some banter, which, she'd admit, she enjoyed, he bobbed his head, relenting to her plea with him to go home._

" _All right," he said. "But, call me if there's a case."_

" _Okay," Kate said, nodding, saying anything just to get him to leave so she could have some space to think. When he was around, all she could think about was him, and ripping his clothes off and taking him. God… she missed him. She had._ _She really had. She had never once stopped loving him, and it was taking all she had to keep from acting on her urges… plus the secret she held. A secret she feared would destroy them if he found out. She'd lied… for so long, keeping it hidden from him. When it came out about Alexander… honestly, Kate did not except a good reaction._

" _Promise?"_

_She blinked and looked up at him, frowning. His eyes looked so pleading and hopeful. Kate looked up at him, seeing something reflected in his blue eyes that had her heart racing. Despite herself, her lips tugged upwards at the thought of what it could be._

" _Promise," Kate replied, softening her eyes, her voice warm. God, she loved him. She just wished life had been different, that she'd made different choices._

_She watched as Castle sauntered away, leaving the bullpen, a spring to his step. It made her smile. Maybe things weren't completely over between them. Maybe, just maybe, they were salvageable, despite their sordid history. Sighing, Kate turned back to her desk and looked down at all the paperwork that awaited her. Firstly, she needed to get all this done. Then she'd go home and have a long hard talk with her dad. He needed to know what was happening, and frankly, she could use his advice and support._

_Kate found herself distracted the rest of the day, thinking of him… of Richard Castle, the man who had always been Alexander to her. And she had been Jane. Together they had been Alexander and Jane. And they had been in love, she was sure of that. But… she was unsure about now. She knew how she felt, and she was fairly sure he at least still had some of the longing—she didn't know if it was love, but he definitely desired her._

_She fought the urge to call him. His desire might only be purely physical at this juncture. And if she let herself slip into a relationship that had no strings and was just for the mind-blowing pleasure that sex with him was, well… she wouldn't recover when it was over and she knew it was about nothing but the sex._

_The next day, she got the call from dispatch about a nanny found dead in an apartment complex. Kate hesitated for a moment before calling Castle and telling him. She was afraid. Afraid of what this could mean, of what it would be like to see him again… to be near him. It had been nine years—nine long years—and Kate still wanted him as badly as she had when she had told him she was Jane. Yet things were different. He was different. She was different. But still, she could hope… that despite all the history they shared, something could work, could bring them together again._

_Because she wanted that. She wanted him. She wanted love._


	21. Epilogue

"Are you sure?"

Castle wasn't listening. His attention was focused on the ten-year-old crime scene photos arrayed before him on his desk in his office. The late afternoon light filtered through the windows, giving everything shadows. Beckett had dropped him off after lunch, before going back to the precinct to begin working on their most recent case. A man had been found in an abandon car, covered in plastic wrapping. It was gross, seriously gross… and Castle was glad to spend some time away from it. Plus, he had some other business to take care of.

Esposito had done him a favor, got him the files to look through. Though he had been sworn never to reveal that fact to Beckett. Castle knew this was dangerous. Highly volatile. It could blow up in his face if he wasn't careful. And just like a grenade, it's the shrapnel would cause far more damage than the initial blast.

But he had to do this. He felt compelled too. Not just for him, but for her. He knew she needed this… he'd known that back then, with Jane, that if this weren't put to bed, it would haunt her for her entire life. And he'd seen what it had done. It had made her into a driven, tough as nails detective, compassionate and caring… but there was also that vulnerable part of her, the part that he knew as Jane… the part that needed protection, and closure, even if she believed that she'd reached a point where she could live with how it was now.

Though now, as he glanced down at the fruits of his secret endeavors, Castle found himself conflicted.

"Yeah, Clark, what did you say?"

Dr. Clark Murray, his long time source for forensic pathological information in his books, sighed. "Rick… are you sure about this?"

"Tell me," Castle asserted, deciding he needed to know. God help him, he hoped she'd forgive him for reopening this old wound, but he just had too. It was an obstruction standing in her way, preventing her from fully embracing life. Her dad knew that. He knew that. But she didn't. It had driven her to some extremes in the past. That much he'd gathered from his separate talks with Jim Beckett and Lanie Parish.

Murray inclined his head. "You see here, how there are multiple stab wounds?"

Castle nodded.

"They're superfluous, only one blow was fatal," Murray informed him. "Everything else was added to give credence to the impression that this was a random assault."

"So you're saying it wasn't random gang violence?" Castle asked, a lump forming in his throat as he glanced up to lock eyes with his friend.

Murray shook his head. "Hardly," he said. "On a hunch, I requested additional information on similar assaults at the time."

"And?"

"There's a pattern," Murray admitted hesitantly. "All victims were stabbed multiple times, but only one wound was fatal."

"What… what does this mean?" Castle inquired, turning to look back at the photo in the file… the photo of Johanna Beckett, the mother of the woman he loved.

"It suggests that Mrs. Beckett was killed by a highly trained professional," Murray stated. "A seasoned killer, someone who had no qualms about the brutality involved in stabbing someone to death."

Castle swallowed hard and closed his eyes. This was what he had feared. He had given copies of the files to Dr. Murray on a whim, not really expecting any new leads after ten years of cold ones. He had feared just this… a lead. It didn't know why he had feared this, considering that's the reason he had looked into the matter to begin with.  _Kate, forgive me_.

"You have to tell her, you know that, don't you?" Murray asked, sighing, his voice grave, fully aware of the implications invovled.

Castle gave a nod. "I know."

He just hoped it didn't destroy everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Alexander & Jane" may be over,  
> but the story continues in "Alexander & Jane: Interlude"
> 
> COMING SOON


End file.
